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Official 'Joke' thread 2004!

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    #46
    Originally posted by Cenobite
    A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
    Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

    "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

    "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

    Hehe

    Comment

      #47
      Originally posted by Bull {DI}
      After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
      conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
      during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
      correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
      the form with what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
      the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
      ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
      Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
      submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
      engineers (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
      had an accident.):

      (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
      (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


      P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
      S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

      P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
      S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

      P: Something loose in cockpit.
      S: Something tightened in cockpit.

      P: Dead bugs on windshield.
      S: Live bugs on back-order.

      P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
      S: Evidence removed.

      P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
      S: DME volume set to more believable level.

      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
      S: That's what they're there for.

      P: IFF inoperative.
      S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

      P: Suspected crack in windshield.
      S: Suspect you're right.

      P: Number 3 engine missing.
      S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

      P: Aircraft handles funny.
      S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

      P: Target radar hums.
      S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

      P: Mouse in cockpit.
      S: Cat installed.

      P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
      pounding on something with a hammer.
      S: Took hammer away from midget.
      HAHAHAHA!!! :haha:
      those are good shiz man :up:

      Comment

        #48
        What is making love???
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        It's what a woman does when a guy is fu*king her

        Comment

          #49
          Originally posted by Logy
          http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

          LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:

          stupid people who believe whatever they read. :haha:
          Unless you belive what others belive that they belive they read

          Comment

            #50
            Originally posted by Cenobite
            A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
            Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

            "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

            "Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

            Hehe
            And a tourist at the counter says, "Cancel my hot dog!"

            Comment

              #51
              Originally posted by Anaximander
              And a tourist at the counter says, "Cancel my hot dog!"
              *Pounds fist*

              :haha: :haha: :haha:

              Comment

                #52
                Originally posted by Logy
                http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

                LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:

                stupid people who believe whatever they read. :haha:
                dude.

                it was pretty obvious that it was a joke, but either way, i found it well written, and i as well was making a poor joke about americans...

                anyway:
                here is a lame joke...
                Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

                As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

                After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.


                im really not very funny, so ill go away now...

                Comment

                  #53
                  Originally posted by cAm
                  dude.

                  it was pretty obvious that it was a joke, but either way, i found it well written, and i as well was making a poor joke about americans...

                  anyway:
                  here is a lame joke...
                  Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

                  As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

                  After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.


                  im really not very funny, so ill go away now...
                  wasn't too bad.

                  Comment

                    #54
                    Originally posted by Bull {DI}
                    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
                    conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
                    during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
                    correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
                    the form with what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
                    the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
                    ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
                    Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
                    submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
                    engineers (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
                    had an accident.):

                    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
                    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


                    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
                    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

                    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
                    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

                    P: Something loose in cockpit.
                    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

                    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                    S: Live bugs on back-order.

                    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                    S: Evidence removed.

                    P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
                    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

                    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
                    S: That's what they're there for.

                    P: IFF inoperative.
                    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

                    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
                    S: Suspect you're right.

                    P: Number 3 engine missing.
                    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

                    P: Aircraft handles funny.
                    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

                    P: Target radar hums.
                    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

                    P: Mouse in cockpit.
                    S: Cat installed.

                    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
                    pounding on something with a hammer.
                    S: Took hammer away from midget.
                    This is my job and yes we do have a sense of humor! I remember this was pinned up in Maint. Control. It serves as a reminder to the Pilots to think about what they are writing up.....:haha: :up:

                    Comment

                      #55
                      A quick hitter for ya...

                      Have you heard the one about two guys who walked into a bar?
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                      I always thought the second guy would have ducked.

                      Comment

                        #56
                        Q. What has two legs and bleeds?
                        A. Half a dog.

                        Comment

                          #57
                          Originally posted by [GOD]Odds
                          Q. What has two legs and bleeds?
                          A. Half a dog.
                          Garfield told you that one didn't he!?

                          Comment

                            #58
                            HER STORY:

                            He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.

                            The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

                            So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit
                            funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

                            I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.

                            I don't know what this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

                            Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

                            I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....

                            HIS STORY:

                            **** day at work. Tired. Got a shag though.

                            Comment

                              #59
                              Originally posted by Buh-Bye
                              Garfield told you that one didn't he!?

                              Comment

                                #60
                                Originally posted by [GOD]Odds
                                Hey you gonna check out the new Garfield movie that comming out!

                                Btu I have to say Garfiled lookated pretty funny when done in 3D animation:haha:

                                Comment

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