The FBI, New York Police Department, and the CIA, have a contest to see who is the best. A rabbit is relised into the woods and the fastest team to find it wins. The CIA goes first, sets traps, and gets informents, and after 8 weeks concludes there is no rabbit. The FBI goes in guns blazing and comes out with a rabbit you can see though in a couple places. The NYPD goes in and comes out 3 hours later with a handcuffed bear yelling "Alright, alrigt i'm a rabbit"
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Originally posted by Bull {DI}
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call
LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:
stupid americans.:haha:Comment
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A kid asks his dad "what are politics?"
His dad responds, "son, I am the bread-winner in the family, think of me as 'capitalism,' your mother makes all of the rules and decides how we spend our money, think of her as 'the government.' The cleaning lady makes sure everything functions smoothly and she serves us, think of her as 'the working class.' You don't do anything, but we try to provide for you, think of yourself as 'the people.' And, your brother is very young, but if we provide for him and set a good example, he will turn out fine. Think of him as 'the future.' Now think about what I have said."
The kid walks away and thinks about it.
Later that night his little brohter's crying wakes him up. He walked into the room and his brother had horribly soiled his diapers. He walked into his parent's room, but his dad wasn't there and he couldn't wake up his mom. Then he went to the cleaning lady's room, but the door was locked. However, he saw his dad and the cleaning lady gettin'-it-on through the key-hole.
The next morning the kid walks up to his dad and says, "Dad I think I understand politics... Capitalism is screwing the working class while the government is asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep ****."Comment
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Uh huh.Originally posted by Bull {DI}
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
:up:
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Originally posted by cAm
LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:
stupid americans.:haha:
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edited.Comment
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This thread should be marked unfunny :down:Comment
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Stop misquoting me you *******.Originally posted by cAm
dude.
i am american
edit: and not a nazi.:down:
edit2: and spectre, please check your pm's.
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There was a guy who couldn't pronounce things properly
so he went to a few shops ...
Shop #1 - Bread shop
Guy: Could I have a bum?
Owner: You mean a bun?
Guy: No a bum
So the owner gives him the bread bun
Shop #2 - hardware store
Guy: could i have a ****et?
Owner: you mean a bucket?
Guy: no a ****et
so the owner gives him the bucket
Shop #3 - pet shop
Guy: could i have a ****-and-spank-it ?
Owner: you mean a cockaspaniel
Guy: no a ****-and-spank-it
so the owner gives him the cockaspaniel
So as the guy was walking down the street back to his
house the dog runs away, and to a nearby pedestrian he
says to him ...
‘Could you please hold my bum and ****et while i go find
my **** and spank it'Comment
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well it was funny... for a whileComment
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only a canadian would believe that's actually true... but it was semi amusing the first time I heard of it decades ago...Originally posted by cAm
LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:
stupid americans.:haha:
(it's also a song)Comment
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Originally posted by KriLL3
well it was funny... for a while
Yeah, I'll try and divert it back to the funnies
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really ******."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU ****ING *****!!!!"
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Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
He then goes for a walk around town, and spots an ice-cream shop. Being a penguin in Arizona, he decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin shakes his head furiously and shouts, "It's ice cream, I swear!"
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener, 'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, he turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?? Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
'I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FU*kING GOING!!
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http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htmOriginally posted by cAm
LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:
stupid americans.:haha:
LMFAOL!!!!:haha: :haha: :haha: :up:
stupid people who believe whatever they read. :haha:Comment
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A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
HeheComment
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A man comes home from work one day to find his wife on the porch with two suitcases beside her.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas," she tells him. "I found out that I can charge $400 a night for what I give you for free."
The guy immediately runs inside, then returns to the porch with packed bags and says, "I'm going, too!"
"Why?" she asks.
"I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."Comment
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