Official 'Joke' thread 2004!

[legacy-Gatorbot]

There are 3 dogs all in cages in a kenel.

They all start talking about why they are in there.

The first dog turns to the others and says, "Well Im in here because Im a digger. I cant help it. When ever Im near anything soft I have to dig. So my owner got a new leather couch and I just had to hop up on it and start digging. So they brought me here and Im going to be put down this afternoon."

He then turns to the second dog and asks, "Why are you in here?"

"Well Im here because Im a ******. I just love peeing on things. Ive ****** all over the carpet, the walls, and even the furniture. So my masters got a new babie and I could help myself. I just had to pee on it. So im going to be put down tomorrow morning"

The first 2 dogs then turn to the 3rd. "Why are you in here?" they ask.

"Im a humper. Ill hump anything. My masters leg, a table leg, a chair, just about anything. So one day I was downstairs sleeping and I heard my masters wife get out of the shower and I figured Id go and get my head scratched. But when I got up there she was naked and bent over picking up her towl. I couldnt help myself. I just had to go over there and hump her."

"Thats awful! So your defently going to be put down." the other 2 dogs say.

"No. Im here for a nail clipping."

[legacy-infernus78]

Originally posted by undrtakr
This one's kinda sick but whatever



There’s a shipwreck and only two men and a woman survive. They get washed up on an idyllic, but uninhabited desert island with next to no hope of rescue.

Eventually nature takes its course and both men begin a physical relationship with the woman. Love is in the air and all is well until she is suddenly taken ill and dies.

After a while sexual frustration gets to the men and once again nature takes its inevitable course.

Well, some months pass and what the men are doing begins to play on their minds. They become sickened and disgusted by what they are doing.



So they bury her again.

horribly disgusting, but funny

[legacy-undrtakr]

One more before I go play some UT2004!:up:


The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected
to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...
equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord,
she's fainted!"

[legacy-BradL]

A guy walks into a whorehouse and only has $5. He's so desperate, he literally begs the madamn to hook him up. After a few minutes of begging and pleading with her the madamn finally says "Okay, go up to room 5 and you'll be taken care of." The man rushes up to room 5 and sees this gorgeous blonde laying on the bed waiting. Naturally, he rips his clothes off and starts going to town on her. After about 5 minutes, he notices this white substance coming out of her nose. Horrified, he puts his clothes back on and runs downstairs to tell the madamn this. When he tells her, she hollars to the back, "Hey Tommy....dead girl's full again!"

[legacy-RumAndCoke]

A police officer is making his rounds close to midnight when he spots a car parked in a dark lot. He pulls up and walks over to the car and see's a middle aged man sitting in the drivers seat and a young girl sitting in the back reading.

He taps on the window and the man rolls it down. "what are you doing " asks the officer.

"Listening to the radio" replies the man.

The officer point to the girl in the back and says "what is she doing"

"Reading a magazine" the man replies

"How old are you sir" the officer asks.

"38" says the man.

"and how old is she"

The man looks at his watch and says "She will be 18 in 12 minutes"

[legacy-membrane]

While not quite as disgusting in comparison ...


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[legacy-cAm]

:bulb: :bulb: :bulb:

:haha: :haha: :haha:

[legacy-torres007]

What did one fat chick say to the other fat chick?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Who cares! No one listens to fat chicks.

[legacy-undrtakr]

Originally posted by membrane
While not quite as disgusting in comparison ...


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

[legacy-A2597]

Originally posted by membrane
While not quite as disgusting in comparison ...


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

ohhhhhhhhhh....

LMAO...
:haha:

:haha: :haha: :haha:

Good ones

Originally posted by undrtakr

Yup thats about what I think about basketball!!! :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

[legacy--=SR=-Killer]

HAHA my sig joke rulz :bulb:

[legacy-Bull {DI}]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call

[legacy-Bull {DI}]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of
the form with what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews
the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.):

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.