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[Article] Atari Forumers Begin Onslaught of Epic HQ

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    [Article] Atari Forumers Begin Onslaught of Epic HQ

    A bizarre incident is unfolding outside the Epic Headquarters at this very hour. Skeptical of the reported time frame for the release of the Unreal Tournament 2004 demo (affectionately known as Teh Dem0, or The Phantom Menace), regular users of the Atari forums have gathered outside the main building where Epic is hard at work trying to take the last outpost from id in Battlefield 1942. "The demo is coming soon," says Mark Rein, vice president of something or other, as he sits in a tank waiting for a plane to spawn. "We figure sometime with in the next two weeks, or 2006, we should be done with this match and we can then dedicate our bandwidth to distributing the demo to our mirror sites."

    In the meantime, police are receiving odd reports about the gathering throng outside. Some have set up tents on the roof across the street, and just sit there with a BB-rifle in their laps. When asked, they claim they are merely "sniper-camping". Others are hosing down lampposts with supersoakers, referring to them as "power nodes" and waiting for "a hovercraft to spawn" so they can use it to take over the Epic building.

    Meanwhile, a half-dozen college students have gathered around a lone Honda Civic, trying to figure out "how to get those sweet blades to pop out of the side". Another group is passing around Chewy Sprees, munching happily on them and calling them "adrenaline pills". One lone dissenter is running up and down the streets, opening mailboxes and swearing at them, wondering where the nearest "weapons locker" is. And a couple of more ambitious youngsters are jumping face-first into the outside wall of the building next door, reportedly hoping to "wall-boost-jump" to the third-floor window where the game is reportedly being stored on Epic's master server.

    "The time has come," reports a lad who calls himself "Arcturus". "With all these resources at our disposal, they are going to be so owned! (requests to spell the word p-w-n-3-d were ignored by the editor). Look around you! We have flak monkeys, shock whores, telespammers, spawn-campers... it's holy-***** wicked-sick! We're godlike!"

    :edit: This section removed because some people couldn't find a sense of humor with both hands and a flashlight.

    "It's not like we're asking for the world on a plate here," a user called w0rf insisted in an interview, "a timely release of the demo is essential in the video game development process. It allows time for the company to receive feedback from us, the all-important pro-gamer public, on how horrible the new weapons look and feel, and allow us to provide a detailed list of how Epic screwed up and every other FPS slated for release this year will drive them out of business. It also gives us an advance look at the gigabytes of material they're going to provide with the game, which we will subsequently ignore and return to instagib-CTF. When will they learn that we, the loyal few, are the ones who REALLY have our finger on the pulse of the gaming community?"

    Early plans to mount a coordinated attack on the building were thwarted when several members of the gathered mob broke into a fistfight and began "teamkilling" each other. Whether another attempt will be made before next weekend remains uncertain.

    #2
    Fantastic :haha: :up:

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      #3
      LMAO!!

      :haha: :haha: :up: :up:

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        #4
        Excellent :up: :haha:

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          #5
          Others are hosing down lampposts with supersoakers, referring to them as "power nodes" and waiting for "a hovercraft to spawn" so they can use it to take over the Epic building.
          Nearly fell out of my chair.. :haha:

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            #6

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              #7
              Fantastic !! :haha: :up:

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                #8
                Very amusing -- good work! :haha: :up:

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                  #9
                  Very funny! Two thumbs up! :up: :up:

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                    #10
                    That is about how this forum seems isn't it?

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                      #11
                      with that many n00bs Friendly Fire should be off

                      give em inflatable weapons...

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                        #12
                        Yet another "fair and balanced" post by Worf. I was there and FF was off.
                        It just goes to show you the bias Worf has. :haha: :up:

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                          #13
                          My first guffaw of the day! Bravo!

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                            #14
                            Re: [Article] Atari Forumers Begin Onslaught of Epic HQ

                            Originally posted by \/\/0RF
                            "You got that right," interjects Doc_Edo, a high-level games programmer from Sweden. "We'll make those capitalist liars pay for stealing all of my brilliant ideas for Assault! OMFG Fox News Bushies LOLOL!!!" He then shuffles off, holding a Palm Pilot he refers to as his "objectives list" wondering why Cliffy B isn't "showing up on his radar".
                            ^^^ lmfao :haha:

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                              #15
                              roflmao :haha: :haha: :up:

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