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  1. #1
    Redeemer
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    Default Monthly Writing Assignment (March Edition)

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    Beware, these stories may contain spoilers on Gears fiction and game. Please DO NOT USE THIS THREAD AS A CONVERSATION THREAD, as this will be used for entries only. Conversation thread can be found here: http://forums.epicgames.com/threads/...ary-Edition%29

    This is the Monthly Assignment, March Edition. We are continuing again, because the turn out last month was pretty good. Now, on to my regular spiel. I wonder if anyone reads this anymore? Ah, well, nothing new til right above the topic, so you can skip this if you read it last month. Enjoy. I lied: Bananans. That's new! Also, bacon. Mmm...

    Writing is why most of you may have clicked on this thread. Boredom may be another factor, but the point remains. As of late, there has been a distinct lack of writing on this forum. Whether that be because people are bored with their stories, want a break from the forum, or just because they don't write in the first place, I have a solution.

    The Monthly Writing Assignment.

    Originally developed on another writing forum, I've noticed great success in its functions and capabilities. Writers from all over the forum all come to one thread, ready to duke it out to see who can craft the best story, judge the stories, or just to look for some feedback on their writing skill. That last part's the important bit for most of us, I'd bet.

    Usually three judges are the norm for this assignment, but since we have a shortage of any regular attendees of the forum, I will take it upon myself to be the constant judge for these Assignments, until we find someone who would like to judge with me. If such a case arises, I may trade in for being an entrant. We'll see. However, should you wish to nominate yourself for judging, please say so. The more the merrier and I'm absolutely sure people want as many views on their work as possible.

    Rule Time:

    Now, each monthly assignment will be based around a single topic, such as vague topics like "Survival", or even specific ones such as "Stranded". As a rule, you must conform to the month's topic in order to have a valid entry. Being a judge, I will see how well you conformed to the topic and rate your score accordingly.

    ANY WRITER IS FREE TO SUBMIT ONE ENTRY, BUT NO MORE THAN ONE. That said, I hope many of you decide to submit something. Writing is fun, trust me! And don't feel as though you're not good enough for this. Anyone can enter!

    YOU CAN NO LONGER EDIT ONCE YOU HAVE SUBMITTED. MAKE SURE YOU FINISH ALL EDITING BEFORE POSTING. Anyone with an edit tag beneath their entry will be disqualified. This is to teach you to edit before posting anything, and if you have something wrong, you must live with it.

    At the end of the month, the winner will be decided based on how good her/his score is and will be able to pick from a pool of suggestions the topic of the next month. The reward for winning is to pick the next topic! So try your best, guys! Also, thanks to a generous Flak and Epic Games, winners receive a signed Gears of War novel.

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    Now, for some guidelines, which have been changed. Be sure to read them.

    - Must be prose. Recommended to be between above 1000 words and below 10,000 words.
    - Must be based around the month's topic.
    - Must be in before the deadline, which is the end of the month. (March 31st, in this case)
    Simple enough, eh? Just write, make it something good, since you're going to be spending a month on it. Make it the best thing you've ever written, even! Still, if you just want to shove something in at the last second, I'll still grade it to tell you how you did.

    Speaking of grading, here's the template I'll use when judging your entries, which has been modified to make it easier on the judges:




    Grading guidelines:

    Spelling & Grammar - /2
    Ease of Read - /2
    Use of Topic - /1
    Entertainment - /5
    Quality - /5

    Total -- /15

    Judges:
    Croswynd
    So there you have it. If you have any questions at all about the assignment, please feel free to send me a private message or post in the Discussion thread. Again, please DO NOT USE THIS THREAD AS A CONVERSATION THREAD, as this will be used for entries only.

    Got all that? Good, now let's get some entries on the following topic!


    [King Raven]
    Last edited by Croswynd; 03-29-2012 at 01:58 PM.

  2. #2
    MSgt. Shooter Person
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    The loud whipping sound of the chopper's blades roared loud and uninterrupted in his ears. Why did we have to come here? the pilot thought to himself. This prison was obviously a nest of locusts, what could be inside important enough to risk a King Raven dropping off and extracting a lone Gear? That particular Gear's voice suddenly crackled over his headset, distracting him for a moment from his thoughts.

    "Six-Four this is Delta Two. We are en route, over."

    Finally, some action, he muttered under his breath. "Copy that, we are beginning our run.", He replied as he prepared the bomb bay for launch. "Six-Four in position, fox one fox one."

    At least he was being rewarded for risking his life on this little errand of Hoffman's with a chance to blow up some grubs. It almost makes it worth while, he thought with a smirk. He steered the chopper toward the target and began his bomb run on the prison.

    "Six-Four, this is Delta Two, hold you're fire! We are inside the prison. Over!" The now exasperated voice yelled over the coms.

    "Roger that, holding fire.", he responded in a snide tone. "Advise you relocate ASAP." He'd had enough of this ridiculous little side mission. The whole point of this was to take out a locust stronghold and deal a crippling blow against their forces in the area, not stop and dilly dally around in the prison. Who was this Gear to tell him what to do anyway? Damned Gears, he thought to himself. Always thinking the entire army revolves around them.

    The ding of a Hammerburst round striking the hull of the KR startled him. This wasn't supposed to be a danger close mission! Hoffman said this was to be a quick drop off and extraction before the bombing run. He heard Lieutenant Kim's voice over the coms.

    "Ground units are taking heavy fire, we have hostiles in all directions."

    He wasn't pleased now. He prepped the main guns and positioned the helicopter for a strafe run on the locust forces attacking his teammates. If it's a fight they want, it's a fight they'll get, he thought. No locust ground troops had ever taken down a King Raven, and it wasn't about to happen for the first time on his watch. He angled the craft toward the ground, pushed the control stick forward, and pulled the trigger, watching as the orange traces of the bullets flew toward the ground, kicking up dirt and debris. He smiled as his rounds made contact with a locust grenadier's head, launching bits of brain and skull all over.

    "This is why I joined the army.", he chuckled to himself.

    "This is Delta Two, we've got locust on that bridge, over."

    "Roger that, moving in", he replied to the Gear he'd been assigned to provide support for. He locked his missiles onto the designated zone and let them fly. Bits of masonry and locust parts flew everywhere, comparable in beauty to some famous painting, in his eyes. He felt his heart leap every time he killed one of those monsters.

    "Six Four, we are moving to your location.", the Gear informed him.

    "Copy that, we are clearing area for extraction." He returned to his strafe runs of the extraction zone, clearing it with the help of another of the other three King Ravens that had been assigned to this mission.

    "Delta One this is Delta Two. We are ready for extraction, over!"

    The radio was now crackling with chatter. One of the other chopper's guns were needed for suppressing fire, the ground forces couldn't hold back the locusts. He watched from his position in the sky as the other King Raven mowed down a large group of locust troops. Lucky bastard, that's at least 5 confirmed kills, he thought to himself with a jealous grimace.

    Suddenly the words every pilot dreaded to hear came through the radio loud and clear.

    "This is Six-One, I'm hit, I'm hit! Controls not responding!"

    "Six-One is down! Repeat, Six-One is down!"

    He now took command of the situation. Perhaps it can be salvaged, he thought in the back of his mind.

    "Be advised, we are aborting mission. Repeat, we are aborting mission! Retrieving Squad now."

    As he brought his chopper closer and closer to the ground, one of the other pilots alerted the troops to something out of place.

    "Delta, there's something moving under the ground, over...", the other pilot's voice warned, his voice trailing off as he watched with dismay, anticipating the worst.

    "I see it too,", he said, "what are we looking at?"

    "Hell if I know.", chimed in the third KR's pilot, a rookie on his second mission with the squadron. His voice sounded care-free; he hadn't served long enough to know this was a mistake.

    The Gears ran toward the craft and boarded as the ground behind them opened up. A gigantic corpser erupted from the ground just as they were taking off. His heart jumped up into his throat as he pulled the controls up as hard as he could, praying the chopper was out of reach of the monster, but taking no chances. He peered out of his window to see the creature on the ground, staring up at them as they flew away, and heaved a huge sigh of relief. Then it occurred to him that he didn't recognize the Gear that accompanied the one he'd dropped off. Who was this mystery warrior? he pondered to himself. He heard one of the escort Gears who had remained on the chopper with him address the newcomer:

    "Are you Marcus Fenix? The one who fought at Aspho Fields?"

    "Yup." Was the somber reply.

    "Cool!", the inquisitive young private exclaimed, amid shooting at random targets with his Lancer.

    "Not really.", countered the newcomer.

    So this was the famed Marcus Fenix of the Pendulum Wars. Perhaps this trip had been worth the risk after all. Maybe now the tides will turn in this war, he silently hoped. Maybe he's just who we need to lead us to victory.



    Please forgive the terrible formatting, I haven't written any papers in two years and I have completely forgotten how to properly lay out a paper or document.
    [Gears of War: The Journey] - Fan Fiction Short Story, any feedback appreciated"
    [Gears of War: The Onyx Platoon] - Fan Fic
    Don't care about KD, winning, or anything else. All I care about is playing as RAAM and pissing people off with my SAWED OFF YEAHHHH.

  3. #3
    Legend.....wait for it....dary
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    Raven’s Pit

    The entire city burned of ash and fire, darkened plumes of black smoke circling the sky like a storm. Screams of horror echoed through the concrete labyrinth as the massacre continued. Gunfire rippled like the cry of a banshee as the roar of artillery smashed down onto the helpless causalities below. The city of Akilina was a war zone, scorched in the blood of thousands. Overhead, a formation of three King Raven’s flew steadily across the bright-blue heavens, their black coats shimmering and their razor-sharp twin-rotors glistening against the sunlight.

    “This is Chalk-Four, we are approaching exfil-LZ-Bravo, over” sounded the lead Raven.
    “Roger that, Chalk-Four, we’ve got eyes on you, holding position”.
    “Copy your last, Lt. Rose out.”

    The pilot of the lead Raven quickly stole a glace back at the aircrew and gave his thumbs up to the Crew chief, “we’re ready to roll, Edwards!”

    Crew chief Michael Dewayne Edwards returned a quick nod as he scanned the city whizzing by beneath his feet in a hasty blur. His blue eyes were fixed on the crumbling streets below, stained with the blood of innocents. The Locust had ravaged this city and the COG was trying to hold on as best it could to the last pockets of territory it held. His dark hair wrestled with the currents of the wind, smacking across his forehead with great ferocity. His face, worn and grizzled by the terrifying sights he had experienced on Emergence Day beckoned caution.

    Michael swung his gun slowly across the city’s surface once more, watching out for any signs of Locust attack. His hands were numb and bloodless as he squeezed down onto the chain-gun’s cold steel cover. Michael looked up, taking his eyes off of the city and staring straight ahead at the other Raven flying beside his. The door-gunner’s gaze met Michael with a look of uncertainty. Both gunners returned to their duties in silence among the crashing violence that was erupting below them.

    The chalk-formation of Raven’s came to a slow withdrawal as they came across the landing-zone. Hovering not more than 60f above the streets below, Michael noticed a bright-green smoke being picked by the wind originating from the middle of the street. Just then a man clad in dark black armour cleared from the building, signalling the Raven to land.

    Michael’s tac-comm picks up, “This is Apex team leader, VIPs inbound, you are clear to land.”

    One of the other Raven’s slowly descends down toward the street, sending dust everywhere and engulfing the dark-clad Gear in a green cloud of dust and debris. As the dust-storm begins to give in, Michael catches a glance at more shadowy figures moving in from the building to the right and storming the other Gear’s position. They all begin to disappear into the Raven.

    “Exfil complete, go, go, go!” yells the voice of the dark-armoured Gear as the Raven begins to climb back into the air, leaving the silent street to its dying dust-storm.

    The Raven’s climb back into the air high above the city streets and begin to make their escape of the violence below, however, Michael’s comm picks up another incoming transmission from the Raven that had retrieved the Gears.

    “KR-Two-Nine, this is Two-Six, VIP is going mad back here. Refuses to leave without finding his son. Says he’s still back there, in the rubble.”
    “KR-Two-Six, Two-Nine here, can’t the Onyx cowboys handle it? One distressed VIP is dismissible. ”
    “Negative, patching in Team-Leader now.”

    A slight buzzing ringed in Michael’s right ear before the Gear pitched in.

    “Lt. Rose, this is Commander Frank Costello, Apex team-leader. My men are strained but willing to go back for the boy. But we need air support.”
    “What, are you crazy!?” refuted Michael’s lead pilot, Lt. Rose, “the boy could be dead!”
    “It’s a chance we’re willing to take, Lieutenant. This is straight from the top.” replied Com. Costello.

    Rose didn’t reply, the cabin of the Raven fell silent as the crew waited for Rose’s response. Lt. Rose looked back at his crew, at Michael, who returned the gesture with a nod of approval. So did the other door-gunner and co-pilot. They had all made up their minds, they were going to look for that boy no matter the chances. Everyone felt the heavy-hearted desire to see the boy alive, reunited with his father, because this war had done one thing and that was bring everyone closer than ever before. They all understood loss, Emergence Day was still a fresh wound for many and this was one chance at a small redemption.

    Lt. Rose puckered up and cleared his throat, “Alright Commander, we’ll break off from the main chalk and provide close air-support. You find that boy.”
    “Copy that, Lieutenant, I’ll have Apex-Prime rendezvous with you at LZ-Bravo.”

    One hour later and they still had not found the boy that they were searching for. The team they were to make contact with had never shown up. Their radios fell silent after a transmission of static came through. Lt. Rose had continued the search alone, without the aid of ground forces in the vicinity. This entire section of the city had been reportedly sacked by the Locust Horde three days earlier. There was no sign of life down there that Michael could spot. Everything was absolutely quiet. The only noise they could hear was that of the cold and blistering wind, swerving in and out of the crevices of the concrete jungle.

    Fighting was still heavy around the city with COG forces attempting to hold off areas of importance from encroaching Locust forces, but all that could be seen were plumes of fiery red shells being dropped with the occasional strafing run executed by old Pendulum War-era bombers.

    “Sh*t, where could he be?” sulked the other door-gunner, Grant Evanderfield. Grant was a skinny man who resembled a starving stray you’d find on the streets of Ephyra, but his mind was as sharp as they got. One of the smartest men uniformed in all of Akilina city.

    “Keep searching, we’re not going to burn fuel for nothing.” Lt. Rose replied.

    The day Michael had met Benjamin Rose, he knew he harboured a dislike for the man’s stern and simple-minded ways. Michael couldn’t stand the cold and bitter outlook Lt. Rose held on all things in life. The man was old-school, by-the-book and completely “mission-first”. So the fact that Rose agreed to turn back and search for a little boy in this city troubled him. The Rose he knew would never have done that.

    His co-pilot was an average looking man in his late thirties with average traits. Carlos Venetia, the average man’s average man. Michael had him pegged as an honest man, with honest morals and ethics. A man any respectable person could look up to, however, there was one thing that he excelled at. And that was his hand-to-hand combat. Rumours of Venetia being a former amateur boxer about to hit the pros before Emergence Day were swirling throughout much of the week prior.

    Michael embarrassingly noticed himself staring at his crewmates and quickly snapped out of it, poking his eyes out toward the door and down below at the street. He didn’t know what had overcome him, wanting to chase a possible ghost - one that showed no signs of ever being here, but he couldn’t back out now. The guilt and pain of seeing a father lose his child would distress him enough to keep him wake at night. Ever since his own child’s miscarriage, he ran from his own demons. He felt as if he had failed his wife, his family and most of all, his son.

    As Michael buried painful memories in the back of his head, he soon caught movement up ahead, near one of the broken-into stores. Venetia must have also caught it because he began speaking over the built-in mega blasters,

    CHRISTOPHER ANDERSON, YOUR FATHER IS LOOKING FOR YOU!

    He repeated that message three more times as the black Raven hovered above the city, gathering dust and collecting waste beneath them. Just when it seemed like a false hope, a little shape came scurrying out of the store and onto the open street, arms frantically trying to wave down the Raven.

    “There, right there!” shouted Venetia as Lt. Rose brought the Raven to a slow decent.
    “Hoist me down, I’ll grab the boy!” voiced Michael already attaching the hoist to his waist and double-checking the clippings and hooks.

    The Raven hovered just below the tops of the buildings around it, encamping itself within the crumbling labyrinth of concrete. Michael slowly swooped down from the Raven and landed next to the young boy who looked no older than eight.

    “We’re here to get you out, son, are you hurt?” asked Michael, checking the boy for injuries and other deforms. The boy could not answer as his grimy face seemed exhausted and worn out. The boy’s clothing was covered in grime and filth. Michael grabbed a hold of the boy and signalled for Grant to raise him up.

    “Come on kid, lets get you to your dad.”

    As Michael fastened the boy onto the seat he made sure to check for a pulse. The boy looked like he was in bad shape, and Michael didn’t want to know how the boy had managed to survive as long as he did, possibly without aid. As Michael looked after the boy, he soon fell into a moment of tranquility. His eyes shut once and than opened only to shut once more.

    “Contact!” the voice pierced into Michael’s mind, disrupting him from his sleep and forcing the young boy to wake and scream in terror. Grant had opened fire with his chain-gun, sending hot lead raining down onto whatever was on the receiving end of 50. Cal rounds.

    “We’ve got Locust troops, at our eleven!” shouted Venetia on the tac-comm.
    “Taking damage to our underbelly, I’m moving to evade -- aagh!” Lt. Rose gritted his teeth as he banked the Raven hard, causing everyone within it to sway alongside it.

    Michael held onto the boy as best he could and braced for impact but it didn’t come. Opening his eyes, Michael realized that Lt. Rose was still in control of the Raven. Grabbing his chance to aid the crew, Michael took his position at the chain-gun and began firing down at the intruding Locust Horde.

    The hot casings erupted out of the chain-gun sending thousands of shells hitting the pavement and Horde below. They twinkled in the muzzle of his ferocious weapon’s tenacity, glimmering as they shattered at the bottom.

    The rounds slugged into the thick hides of the Locust forces below, casing massive trauma to the lines and lines of Drones that managed to get in the way. Glass shattered from the windows of nearby apartments and buildings broke, crumbling under the added suppression of chain-gun fire. Debris rained down on top of the Locust forces below, smashing bone and armour alike. The streets ripped open with great fire.

    The amount of firepower that was being thrown at the Raven was enough to cause hearing loss. Michael soon only heard the ringing of bells, a faint sound that thudded against his ear-drums as each casing flew from the chain-gun’s hawking mouth.

    Suddenly a flash of black ink whizzed past Michael’s head and before he could react to bare its destination, a horrific sounding noise emptied from Grant’s side as his chain-gun fell silent. Michael looked over to bare witness to the entanglement of limbs having been blown apart and the lower torso and body of Grant being sprawled out against one of the seats. Blood oozed down from the walls and dripped like a fountain from Grant’s body as it rolled off the edge of the stump where once the chain-gun stood. Grant had been instantly dismembered in seconds from the attack.

    Michael hastily looked over at the child on the seat who was covered in the remains of Grant, crying in great tears, helplessly watching the scene unfold before his eyes.

    “Nemacyst!” shouted Lt. Rose as the Raven was struck once more, causing it to lose its balance.

    The tail-rotor was struck with destructive force, sending fragments of metal and steel racing past the cabin. The Raven swirled out of control blaring sirens as all hell broke lose. Venetia and Lt. Rose attempted to bring the Raven down without crashing as Michael held on for dear life.

    “We’re -- we’re going down!” shouted Lt. Rose, struggling to keep the bird in the air.
    “We’re going down, Raven down, I repeat, Raven down!” spoke Venetia over the intercoms to command.

    Michael tasted blood as he gritted his teeth, reaching out for the boy who reached out in return. The Raven tilted and swerved as it crashed into the side of a building sending plumes of orange shooting out toward the street and into the night-sky. All went black.

    When Michael awoke, he heard faint cries for help. At first he had thought he was hearing things but this soon provided to be false as Michael realized it was the young boy. Michael gathered his bearings, both pilots were dead, he couldn’t see the boy. He had broken a few ribs and his shoulder had been dislocated. His head had a gaping wound. He had somehow survived the crash! The Raven was still lodged into the side of the building! It had been suspended there for hours, right on the edge of a giant sinkhole.

    “Help me!”

    Michael grunted as he made his way toward the sound of the boy, crawling over broken and shattered remains of the building and crashed Raven. He wrestled with the need to close his eyes and pass out.

    Once he got there, he realized that the boy was dangling from the building, shaking and slipping. Michael forced himself to move closer, to grab the boy’s hand with his good arm and attempt to pull him up.

    “Come on!” he yelled, trying to reach the boy's hand, “grab my hand!”
    “Please don’t let me die, mister!”
    “Grab my hand kid--”
    “I want to see my dad--”

    The boy was about to slip but Michael had grabbed a hold of his sleeve just in time. He could feel the boys weight on his lone wrist but he began to pull him up. The boy was slowly being pulled up, he was almost there!

    But before he had made it all the way there, the sleeve ripped and the boy was sent falling into the pits below. Michael screamed out as he felt time itself slow down. The boy’s eyes grew wider as he fell, knowing what was to happen to him. He flung his arms helplessly but to no avail. The little boy’s eyes were locked onto Michael’s as he watched in horror. The boy fell into the endless sinkhole, no longer seen, swallowed by the darkness. He was gone.

    Michael stayed stretched out staring at the giant sinkhole, a mix of ever-lasting sorrow and anger washed over him. He cried out loud and cursed at himself, agony his only company. Michael lay on the edge of the sinkhole as his tears strolled down his cheeks and into the pit.
    That was brutal. Wasn't too pleased with the way things turned out in this one. Had to cut things, change things, add things etc. Its a little rushed near the mid-way - end point because my eyes were starting to close.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

  4. #4
    Iron Guard
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    The King Raven cooled slowly, dying in the sun like a fallen beast. The hot, pitted metal pinged at first; then, as the temperature fell, silence descended around her like a shroud. It was hours before her body would be found; long after the battle, after the gunfire and spilled blood. After night came, and went, and came again. The drones were in the wrong place that night; otherwise, they might never have found her. She was a beautiful machine, even downed. The stray blast had taken her out of the fight, knocked the air out of her lungs, but she had went down fighting. Her descent gutted a building, tearing through the two stories like a chainsaw. And she had landed on her side, with her one good gun bristling. The two locust paused for a moment, ignorant of her rich history, of the lives she had saved.

    They weren’t friends; the pair had barely known each other over the past few years, not that it would have mattered. Life in service to the Horde was nasty, brutish and short; it was thankless work, slogging around. They were grunts, nothing more. But, they had come to respect each other. For drones, they filled their capacity brilliantly. They were quite dumb, but they could kill humans. And they watched each other’s backs.

    One of them walked over and examined it. He ran his hands along the cold metal shell, tracing the scoring, gingerly running his hand over the bullet holes. The two locust nodded to each other, and the first reached up and lifted himself up onto the platform. He swung the mounted gun around, and leaned into the angled cant of the floor. His hands worked the mechanisms; offhand, he found a switch and flicked it. The barrels sprang to life with a low whir, began spinning in place quietly. The drone tapped the trigger, chuckling; his deep, throaty laugh rasped in the still night air, the sound of old, worn flesh tearing.

    Nothing happened. Disappointed, he searched for the switch again and turned it off. Beside him, his comrade hauled himself into the vessel and slipped into the cockpit. He grabbed hold of the mass of flesh and blood sitting in the pilot’s seat, and together, they unceremoniously dumped the corpse out into the street.

    The two drones sat up front. Together, they ripped open the console and yanked out bundles of cable and wire, stripping the control panel of components as they went. They didn’t really know what they were looking for, but soon, they had gathered a small collection of random parts. The second drone, sitting in the cramped pilot’s seat, grabbed the joystick and tugged, but it stuck fast. He twisted, and heaved, but it held fast. Suddenly, the entire wreckage shifted. The building rumbled precariously overhead; the metal frame groaned under the stress. The drones stood immobile, like statues, their faces even more pale than normal. After a few moments of silence, they glanced at one another and regained their composure.

    The second drone glanced down, realized he was still gripping the stick. He looked up at the controls, curious. He found a small, dirty screen, covered with blood and grime; wiping it free, he toggled a few knobs and flicked some switches mounted on it. Nothing happened. Shrugging, he gave the joystick a couple of gentle nudges and flicked some more switches. He wondered what it felt like, flying it; he twisted the stick a little, leaned over in the seat, and made some explosion noises. Suddenly, he felt a pair of eyes on him. he glanced over, embarrassed, to the grin of his comrade. Shaking his head, the first locust clapped him on the shoulder and left the cockpit.

    Back in the chassis, looking out over desolate streets, the locust started messing with the mounted gun. The other was long gone, torn off in the crash with the rest of the chopper. But there would be some parts here. Out in the night, he heard something...reflexively, he scanned down and found the switch again. He had hit it before he remembered the gun was out of rounds. Still, he grabbed the handles and swung it around. He felt powerful. He imagined some humans, running outside on the ground below. Grunting, he brought the gun to bear and squeezed on the trigger. He barked out a few laughs, then felt a pair of eyes on him. He remained silent for a moment, then slowly turned and saw his partner in crime peeking from inside the cockpit, a knowing look on his face. Shrugging, he grabbed the gun and made some blasting sounds with his mouth.

    Laughing, the pilot took up his position and started hammering buttons. He flicked a switch and recoiled in surprise as the floodlights came on, then laughed again and started yanking on the stick. he pulled into a tight turn, to bring the gun around. Sighting in on his own target, he reached down and turned a knob, then tapped a few of the buttons next to it. In the back of the Raven, the gunner dodged some incoming fire, and struggled to keep the gun on target. Suddenly, the pilot saw incoming enemies; he was filled with a savage glee. In his mind, he was the King Raven, a nightmare machine that rode on wings of fear; his pleasure came from turning it against the hateful humans. He hammered the trigger.

    Thunder rocked the helicopter as a massive burst of gunfire erupted from the forward gun. The entire craft shook under the weight of the two story building; it felt like it was coming apart at the seams. The pilot looked up, startled. Above the King Raven, the squat building crumbled and cracked. Once more, the weight of the collapsing heap strained the metal frame of the chopper. This time, the tired metal gave way. The pilot was caught in the cockpit doorway as the rubble descended onto the downed bird; weaving, trying to keep his balance, he stumbled into the side of the hull, and smacked his head on the torn and twisted metal edge where it had collided with the building. Suddenly, he was woozy. As he slid down into the corner of the wrecked helicopter, he reached up, and felt something sticky on the side of his head.

    The gunner glanced back, stricken with horror. Overhead, the once-gleaming brickwork of the low building spawned networks of cracks, racing up the side as they spread to the roof. Chunks of mortar and stone began to fall, smashing into the wreckage of the chopper. With one last look back, he turned and ran. He leapt out of the King Raven as the old building finally came down on top of both of them.

    As the heavy stonework collapsed on them, the Raven was shredded. Inside, the erstwhile pilot had lived his last day. The gunner struggled, gasping for air. It felt heavy, for some reason. He tried to stand up, but couldn’t; he swallowed thickly, choking on his own fluids. He managed to drag himself a few inches. Behind him, severed by the King Raven’s last blade, his legs twitched. She had been a beautiful old machine; today, she took her last breath, a harsh, raspy laugh that caught the wind and disappeared.
    Operation: Whiskey
    ----------
    _,,,,,_....I.... .........,,_i\_____
    (_.-|o|_____|-..._____))¯¯¯¯¯
    ¯ /_/{ ||#||=,,-,,=/

    ```````\__\

  5. #5
    Redeemer
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    N1

    Spelling & Grammar - 0/2
    Ease of Read - 0/2
    Use of Topic - 0/1
    Entertainment - 0/5
    Quality - 0/5

    Total -- 0/15

    I've seen better bunyons on my toes.
    SKORGE

    Spelling & Grammar - 0/2
    Ease of Read - 0/2
    Use of Topic - 0/1
    Entertainment - 0/5
    Quality - 0/5

    Total -- 0/15

    POTATOES!
    Levy

    Spelling & Grammar - 0/2
    Ease of Read - 0/2
    Use of Topic - 0/1
    Entertainment - 0/5
    Quality - 0/5

    Total -- 0/15

    What is this supposed to be, mayonnaise?

    All of you were terrible, don't come back next month.

    -Croswynd
    Last edited by Croswynd; 04-01-2012 at 01:16 AM.

  6. #6
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    I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that or not... CROS. LEARN 2 JOKE, SON.
    I came up with the Bag 'N Tag idea. No really, check the date. (proof)
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    "Tommorrow" - short story..................................................Games as Literature: Aspho Fields podcast

  7. #7
    Iron Guard
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    In Communist Russia, April Fools you!
    Operation: Whiskey
    ----------
    _,,,,,_....I.... .........,,_i\_____
    (_.-|o|_____|-..._____))¯¯¯¯¯
    ¯ /_/{ ||#||=,,-,,=/

    ```````\__\

  8. #8
    Legend.....wait for it....dary
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    LMFAO its funny because thats the quality of my work!

    Also, if I had known Levy was going to post, I'd have not rushed that crap out in an hour... feck.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

  9. #9
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    Cros is a troll.

  10. #10
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    Cros is a troll.
    This Image Was Automatically Resized by using the Screenshot Tag.  Click to view the full version

    Actually it took me months for me to realize that
    That probably makes you more perceptive than me
    I came up with the Bag 'N Tag idea. No really, check the date. (proof)
    Fanboy of Gears since GameInformer's 2005 cover-article
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    "Tommorrow" - short story..................................................Games as Literature: Aspho Fields podcast

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wisdom Thumbs View Post
    This Image Was Automatically Resized by using the Screenshot Tag.  Click to view the full version

    Actually it took me months for me to realize that
    That probably makes you more perceptive than me
    Yah. Remember, it's April Fools, you can expect the real scores yo come up sooner or later. Just not now.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonzZilla View Post
    Yah. Remember, it's April Fools, you can expect the real scores yo come up sooner or later. Just not now.
    This Image Was Automatically Resized by using the Screenshot Tag.  Click to view the full version

    This Image Was Automatically Resized by using the Screenshot Tag.  Click to view the full version

    (the best prank on April Fools Day is to tell people it's not April Fools Day. Then, when somebody pranks them, you can turn around and say "April Fools!" without having to lift a finger)
    I came up with the Bag 'N Tag idea. No really, check the date. (proof)
    Fanboy of Gears since GameInformer's 2005 cover-article
    Speedtest - my internet is slower than yours

    "Tommorrow" - short story..................................................Games as Literature: Aspho Fields podcast

  13. #13
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    N1

    Spelling & Grammar - 1/2
    Ease of Read - 1/2
    Use of Topic - 1/1
    Entertainment - 3/5
    Quality – 3/5

    Total -- 9/15

    Alright, this was…interesting. At first, I didn’t exactly know what was going on or where in the Gearsiverse I was reading, but at the end I realized it and thought to myself ‘Nice one.’ Still, there’s mistakes. On to the review.

    Spelling and Grammar got you docked a point due to the bunch of formatting and grammatical errors, rather than spelling, so you’ve just got the problem most writers have, which is good. I like when I don’t find any spelling errors. At any rate, most of the grammatical errors I noticed were a run-on here and there, not many, but what mostly got my attention was the dialogue and thought dialogue bits. This is where you ran into problems. When using thoughts, never use punctuation mark if you have ‘he thought…’ coming after it. It should always be a comma. If you want to ask a question, don’t give us ‘he thought’, but instead use the question mark and have the entire thought in italics. In fact, you should use italics for every part of the story that is in a character’s head, because this differentiates it from the prose around it. Also, with your dialogue bits, I noticed you used a period, a quotation mark, and then the comma. Don’t do that. You can either end the dialogue with a comma (which should be inside the quotation mark), an exclamation point, or a question mark. For instance, you used ‘”Cool!”,’ once. Instead of using that, it should be ‘”Cool!” Also, also, when someone is muttering under their breath, it still should have quotations around it, since it is audible.

    Ease of Read suffered because of the above mentioned, but I also floundered a bit, wondering exactly what was going on. Obviously we were in a King Raven following the pilot, but there wasn’t much description on where he was. I’d like some more of that, building the scenery, giving me a picture of where this pilot is going. What’s his destination look like? Give us some clues that the prison you mention is the one Marcus is in at the beginning of Gears 1. Give us some description on the courtyard the pilot descends in to pick up the two Gears. It all felt rather empty when I read it.

    Use of Topic was spot-on. All King Raven, all the time. No problems there.

    Entertainment was a borderline 2, I have to admit, but I gave you a 3 because of hindsight. That ending, where it’s finally revealed that the prison in question is the one Marcus is in, made me smile. I don’t think revealing it at the end, if that was your intention, was a good idea, because it left the whole thing rather dry.

    Quality was average for the contest. I would have liked more description and those grammatical errors bring down the piece as a whole. Maybe give me a reason to care for the character, because I didn’t really feel anything for him other than that he was kind of a prick. Could have added some tension, something unexpected, in his flight toward the LZ. Was a missed opportunity there. But, average. Nothing special, but I still smiled at the ending, because that meshed well with the topic and gave me a possible origin of the Raven that picks you up. Correct your grammar in the future and it’ll all shape up.
    SKORGE

    Spelling & Grammar - 1/2
    Ease of Read - 2/2
    Use of Topic - 1/1
    Entertainment - 4/5
    Quality – 4/5

    Total -- 12/15

    Wow. Well, that was definitely emotional. It had all the things I love from you, SKORGE. Emotion, connection, tension. All the things you do best. So let’s get into the nitty gritty.

    Spelling and Grammar took a hit a few paragraphs in with the first set of dialogue. There was some missing commas and a comma on the outside of some quotation marks. Just normal mistakes any writer makes. Spelling was good, but you continued the grammar problems with the second dialogue piece at the end of one of the sentences. Even though it’s at the tail end, it still needs a capital letter to start the dialogue off with. Through the rest of the story, it was much the same, just punctuation missing or misplaced. Nothing major an editor couldn’t fix. Also, the plural of Raven is ‘Ravens’, not ‘Raven’s’.

    Ease of Read, despite all of that, was pretty easy. Full points. It paced well, moving from the situation at hand to Michael’s thoughts. Gave us some backstory, then hit the tension with the boy. Just what I expect from you whenever I read your stuff. Not much else to say here other than correct that grammar stuff, but you said you were in a rush, so that might be the reason.

    Use of Topic was given full points. You used a King Raven the whole time and very well, too. I expected more pilots when the topic was chosen, but I can’t give you any bonus points for being creative. :P

    Entertainment was high, despite the conclusion’s gruesome end. I didn’t expect everyone to die, but the way you weaved Michael’s fear of losing another child in with the ‘Yes! He caught him! OH, NO IT RIPPED!” moment at the end worked well and ended on a the same note. It worked. The tension, like I said, was good. Not as great as The Tower, but still tense. I think if you had hinted that they were running out of fuel, it would have been even better. Flying for an hour after however long they were before seemed kind of pointing in that direction, but you never used it. Missed opportunity, perhaps, to add even more tension.

    Quality was your usual fare, which is to say enjoyable and satisfactory. Something I can learn from. A good, solid piece. Really, I think the whole tension feeling you put into your stories it the thing I admire most. Just fix up those grammar issues and it could be greater, but the story itself was already nice. Once again, you made me feel for the character, giving him a face and feelings, thoughts and fears, rather than just another soldier in a war. That’s what I’m looking for when I read fan fiction and you deliver.
    Levy

    Spelling & Grammar - 1/2
    Ease of Read - 2/2
    Use of Topic - 1/1
    Entertainment - 3/5
    Quality – 4/5

    Total -- 11/15

    Remember when I said no matter how bad it might be, good writing makes you keep reading? Totally the case here. It’s bad in a good way. I lol’d.

    Spelling and Grammar were okay. You used a lot of comma ‘and’ incorrectly, but that’s no surprise. I have the same problem and we’ve discussed this before. There was a point where you didn’t capitalize a sentence, as well, but you had the least amount of errors between the entries. Of course, your story was also the shortest, so…that might be why. Moving on.

    Use of Topic I had to give to you. This story was definitely about a King Raven. Two idiot drones exploring one, but a King Raven nonetheless. And the old girl ended up being a hero, too. I lol’d.

    Entertainment was okay. It was meant to be humorous, obviously, but as much as I lol’d, I didn’t enjoy it as much as I did SKORGE’s story. Other judges might have given you the props for this, but I’m more a fan of serious fics than humorous ones, so take my review here with a grain of salt.

    Quality was great despite the few problems I’ve listed. You’ve always been a wonderful writer to read through. It was written very well beside being so stupid funny, so you got lots of points because of that. There’s not really that much to say other than good job at making me laugh. I enjoyed reading this and that’s what’s important.
    Anyways, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, the other scores weren’t real. April Fool’s, you Gearheads! Let’s make this next month even better with more writers, judges, and everything! Plus, you can win free, signed books. That’s nothing to scoff over. Until next time, folks!

    Croswynd
    Last edited by Croswynd; 04-01-2012 at 07:25 PM.

  14. #14
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    I found Levy's story to be poignant, not so much funny. ?Que Da Fuk?

    Skorge's fic was undoubtedly awesome, and I'll get to reading N1's in a moment.
    I came up with the Bag 'N Tag idea. No really, check the date. (proof)
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    "Tommorrow" - short story..................................................Games as Literature: Aspho Fields podcast

  15. #15
    MSgt. Shooter Person
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    I wanted him to sound like a prick because that's how I felt about that doucher when I was playing through the first level haha. All the dialogue was straight from the game, so I was hoping it would kinda hint that it was the Marcus rescue, but I definitely could have used the setting description a bit more. Thank you so much for the quotation pointers, the whole time I knew it looked completely wrong but couldn't remember what was correct haha. I'll incorporate all of these into my next story, thanks for the help
    [Gears of War: The Journey] - Fan Fiction Short Story, any feedback appreciated"
    [Gears of War: The Onyx Platoon] - Fan Fic
    Don't care about KD, winning, or anything else. All I care about is playing as RAAM and pissing people off with my SAWED OFF YEAHHHH.


 

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