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  1. #1
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    Default Brothers in Blood

    Downed but not out in Ephyra.

    Four days had passed without reinforcements. Ammunition was scarce and difficult to come by, with what little supplies could be located in the heart of Ephyra. The air was thick with the smell of discharged weapons, smoke, and leaking fuel. The Centaur Main Battle Tank that Echo Squad used to traverse the city had been disabled by a swarm of tickers, preventing the Gears from escaping their current location. The vehicle came to a halt within a central courtyard of a former government building, surrounded on several flanks by locust snipers and drones.

    “Webster, get to cover!” The largest soldier in the squad quickly ducked behind the smoldering remains of the Centaur, positioning himself underneath the main cannon.

    “We have incoming fire!” Bringing his Lancer Assault Rifle upwards, Lieutenant Stratford unleashed hell on the incoming Locust forces from a firing stance near the disabled vehicle.

    The explosion had torn through the Centaur tank, killing one of the four crew members. Vito could barely manage to gain his bearings on his surroundings; he couldn’t tell where he was within what was once the armored vehicle. The only noise besides the monotonous ringing from the explosion was that of the Lieutenant barking orders to the surviving members of the squad to take cover from the hail of gunfire directed towards them from every direction that could provide an advantage in a firefight.

    Vito managed to roll from underneath the wreckage of the Centaur tank and onto the cobblestone pavement below. He finally had a fresh view of things from inside his helmet; the devastation brought from the pack of tickers had been much more destructive than he had originally anticipated. The vehicle had been completely spilt open, with most of its internal parts spread across much of the courtyard. Without hesitating, Vito dove behind rubble that originated from a collapsed building, creating a large obstruction in the main avenue upon which the rest of the squad hunkered down from enemy fire. Becoming irritated of being pinned down, Vito returned fire. He emptied half a clip towards the direction of incoming fire, hoping to pepper Locust infantry with a hail of bullets.

    His efforts were met with further frustration, as none of his shots met their mark. The incoming Locust Drones quickly scrambled behind stone columns no further than twenty feet away. The sounds of war filled Vito’s helmet with a chorus of gunfire from just about every type of weapon he used during basic training. He was one of the last soldiers in the COG to finish basic training before being shipped out for active duty. The war had driven the Coalition of Ordered Governments to make hasty choices for troops on the battlefield, showing how desperate the war effort had become; command relied on Veteran Gears teaching rookies the ropes.

    Vito found himself locked within a dazed, trance-like state, his body filled with fear and his mind wrecked with the thought of death. The sounds of his squad mates broke the silence he experienced in his mind.

    “Rodriguez!” “Prime your grenade, soldier!”

    Vito quickly dipped his hand into the satchel attached to his thigh, priming a bolo grenade for use. Leaning against a crumbled pile of concrete, he began swinging the grenade in a quickened, circular motion. The explosive attached to the chain-like extension was swung around and released when enough momentum was gained to throw it. He watched the device clatter along the cobblestone surface before landing next to a pair of Locust drones. The next thing he knew, chunks of the enemy combatants landed everywhere near the location he tossed the grenade.

    “Echo squad! Full retreat! Take cover in that building!”

    Lieutenant Stratford and Private Webster bolted off towards the building, filling the air with the sounds of Lancer rifle fire, which echoed loudly in the courtyard. Compelled by the will to survive, Vito followed after both of his squad members, in the hope he too, would survive the ordeal. The young soldier vaulted over a pile of sandbags, preventing incoming Locust fire from hitting him while he had his back turned to the enemy.

    The squad seemed to be safe from the Locust threat for the time being. They had made it into the cover of the bombed out building, surrounded by all sides by sandbags and rubble. With each suicidal attempt, a Locust soldier would rush the fortified position; the combined firepower of their weapons quickly dispatched all incoming hostiles.

    Private Webster turned to face Vito Rodriguez, whispering under his breath. “So…soldier…what units were you assigned too before joining with us this fine morning? More importantly, what is your name?”

    Webster grinned towards the rookie Gear, loading a fresh clip into his rifle.

    Vito placed his weapon against the sandbag he positioned himself against, quickly replying to the other soldier.

    '“Vito Rodriguez, Private 2nd' Class, COG-117316-AP-17Y. 26'th' Royal Tyran Infantry, 216'th' detachment, Echo-nine.”

    “Didn’t need your whole life story, kid. You can call me Webster.”

    Private Webster reached over to Vito, offering him a firm handshake. They exchanged greetings before looking to the Lieutenant.

    “That kid… is Lieutenant Stratford. A real hero and a living legend; He served in the Pendulum Wars.”

    Vito’s eyes widened beneath his helmet, gazing towards the infamous soldier from the Pendulum wars.
    “Wow…really? I didn’t even know that anybody was left from the Pendulum Wars.”

    Vito shook his head in disbelief, refusing to believe that anyone could possibly survive so many encounters with the enemy and still be breathing.
    Alexander Philip Webster
    Victoria Beckham
    Vito Rodriguez
    Lieutenant James "Howell" Stratford
    Larry O'Neil
    Last edited by AdamFenix; 06-23-2010 at 02:46 AM. Reason: Fixing broken links

  2. #2
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    Counterattack in Ephyra.

    Act II

    A Locust patrol was mounted to search for the Gears who had survived the attack on the Centaur Main Battle Tank. The group consisted of several Cyclops, Grapplers, and Drones all armed with Hammerburst Battle Rifles. Each of the humanoid soldiers marched down the street towards where the human soldiers had last been tracked. They searched through each of the buildings leading up to the factory the Gears had taken refuge in, hoping to evade the occupying force that imposed its will on much of Sera.

    Lieutenant Stratford could hear the marching of boots and the low grumble of a nearby Grinder approaching. He quickly grabbed his Lancer Assault Rifle and dove behind a pile of sandbags, priming his weapon for combat.

    “Gears, arm yourselves,”

    Stratford casually peeked from behind cover, searching for the enemy from a safe distance away. He counted fifteen drones of various types, armed with assault weapons of every kind. The group was protected from the sides by several Grinders, all of which made a great deal of noise while marching.

    “Ah, ****. That has to be a hunting party,” Webster quickly declared, switching the safety off of his weapon.

    “I’ve never heard of so many Locust searching for a single squad before,”

    Vito chimed in, clambering behind an empty oil drum.

    “Be quiet, they’ll hear us,” Lieutenant Stratford remarked, attempting to quiet the chatter between the men under his command.

    The Lieutenant quickly calculated what would be needed to dispatch the patrol without alerting the attention of enemy forces in the area. He signaled his Vito and Webster to take far positions along the factory, peeking their weapons out of windows which had a panoramic view of the street the Locust traveled upon. While waiting for his men to get into position, he bolted towards a catwalk, taking a higher firing arc over the approaching infantry forces. Aiming his weapon downwards, he was ready to signal the squad to open fire.

    Vito could hear the Lieutenant’s voice over his helmet’s intercom, “Open fire! Priority targets on larger Locust.”

    Following the orders given, Vito and Webster unleashed their counter attack on the Locust. Squeezing down on the trigger of his rifle, Vito aimed for the closest Grinder, feeling the recoil of his weapon and watching the 5.56 mm rounds pepper the beast with fully automatic fire. It took the entire clip for the beast to collapse to the rubble filled street. The remaining enemy combatants scrambled in every direction, searching for cover to hide from the concentrated fire.

    Webster finally managed to empty an entire clip, loading another one into his rifle in a perfectly timed reload. He went back to firing his weapon, attempting to take down more of the incoming Drones as they rushed his position. He counted three of the foul beasts dead by his weapon, several more returned fire, pinning him down beneath a hail of bullets.

    Lieutenant Stratford fired from the catwalk above the street, mopping up Drones that took cover from the weapons fire disbursed by Vito and Webster from their concealed positions within the factory. He managed to kill six more drones, leaving several more wounded. The firefight lasted for ten more minutes, leaving most of the Locust forces in complete disarray, some of the drones managed to slip away, but all of the Grinders had been killed during the intense exchange of gunfire which left emptied magazines and overheated weapons laying about the battlefield.

    “That was one hell’uva fight, Rodriguez. Good work…for a rook,” Webster chuckled, shifting his pale oculars towards the direction of the Lieutenant.

    “Err… well… thanks,” Vito replied apprehensively, gazing through the face plate of his standard issue helmet.

    “Alright, Echo… this is the plan. We have a nearby Stranded outpost about five clicks from here. They might be willing to help us, on the other hand, they might shoot us on sight. We really don’t have many options here and we can’t have an evac in such a hostile enemy zone.”

    The Lieutenant checked his data pad, attempting to locate the bearing he would need to lead the squad to the Stranded Encampment. The squad made a steady pace towards the intended target of destination. This day belonged to the Gears. They had lost one of their members in the initial attack on their vehicle, leaving only three more soldiers to carry on in a city occupied by a genocidal race of beings that were determined to wipe any trace of human existence from the face of Sera.
    Last edited by AdamFenix; 06-02-2010 at 08:39 PM.

  3. #3
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    Montevado - Dealing with the Stranded.

    Act III

    The Stranded Encampment seemed to materialize in the wake of the setting sun. It would be nightfall soon: the most dangerous time for Humans to be wondering in the dark. Echo Squad would need to move quickly if they were to make it to the Stranded in time. The coming of nightfall also brought the Kryll to the surface of Sera; these highly aggressive creatures would not hesitate to devour any Locust, Stranded, Gear, or any living thing foolish enough to venture from the protection of light.

    “Damn, it’s getting dark out. We need to hurry up and locate that camp, Lieutenant. I don’t want to end up as Kryll ****,” Webster announced, his voice becoming more filled with anxiety and anxiousness with each passing second.

    “Knuckle down, soldier. You don’t have your momma’ here to slap some baby powder on your ass and push you on your merry way,” Bellowed the Lieutenant, his voice filled with bitterness.

    Vito knew the Lieutenant was nervous. He could tell by how the hardened soldier conducted himself; his every movement, the sweat that dripped from his forehead, forming beads of perspiration on his brow.

    Echo squad continued through the ruins of what used to be downtown Montevado, one of the three cities that surrounded Jacinto Plateau. This city was well known to be occupied by small groups of Stranded; on the other hand, it was also known for the large packs of Wretches that roamed the streets of the city. The squad continued on their current heading, navigating the narrow streets and alleyways that formed the older district of the city.

    Stranded Camp, Downtown Montevado

    2100 Hours

    Larry glanced through the sight of his obsolete Longshot Sniper Rifle. The weapon was well over twenty years old, even with its age, the weapon was an extremely deadly weapon in the hands of an expert, able to dispatch a foot soldier instantly with a well-placed headshot. Larry was just such a man, a former Gear, a former leader. He was now head of the Stranded living in the ruined city of Montevado. He continued to scan the Plateau for any sign of Locust incursion into the city, the man had a family to protect and people to lead, he didn’t take chances with their lives. Whilst continuing his search of the local area, he detected movement near the main gate of the city; he quickly adjusted the scope of the rifle, zeroing in on the source of disturbance. As he took aim on the subject, his pupil narrowed to adjust to the scope’s ultra-red function, allowing him to detect heat signatures. In the process of calibrating his rifle, he sighted three Coalition Gears, each of which appeared to be heavily armed. Two out of the three soldiers wore a helmet; the last one wore no form of head protection.

    “Albert, we have guests,” Whispered Larry, attempting to gain the attention of his fellow watchman.

    “Who yaw’ got down yonder, Larry?” Replied Albert; scrambling to snatch up his Gnasher shotgun, loading several shells of ammunition into the weapon.

    “A squad of Gears; All of them are heavily armed. They mean business. Send Halverson and Johnson out to greet them,” Replied Larry, answering the query that Albert had previously placed upon him.

    Albert gave his fearless leader a simple nod of his head, walking towards the ladder that connected to the observation post they previously occupied. He went to gather the men chosen to greet the hostile soldiers, while Larry prepared for whatever situation would come of the encounter.

    “We’re almost there. Finally, I was about to worry that we’d never make it,”

    Exclaimed Webster, who seemed to be rather elated at the fact that civilization seemed to be close by, or what was left of it.

    Lieutenant Stratford noticed the Stranded before they ever revealed themselves, he knew these survivors would be particularly angry for how neglected they had been the past twenty years. Things were changing now and Stratford knew he would make it his personal responsibility to see them through. He lowered his weapon, carrying it in a rather passive stance, giving his men the same command as he watched a pair of Stranded emerge from a mostly bombed out church. Each of the men held Gnasher shotguns and carried several bandoliers over each shoulder.

    “Howdy, Gears. Come to ruin our little party with your Fascist ideologies?” Shouted the nearest man who appeared to have not groomed himself in several years; his clothes were covered with some sort of vehicle residue.

    “Only if you’ve come prepared to kiss our asses,” Replied Webster, trying to place as much anger and maliciousness in his voice.

    The Lieutenant quickly diverted his gaze towards the mouthy soldier, scolding him.

    “Webster, pipe down. Let me handle this.” “The men under my command require food and ammunition. Our vehicle was hit just ten clicks back. We are to meet at an RV Point at daybreak. We’ll be out of your hair the second the sun comes up.” In a gesture of good faith, Stratford lowered his weapon, placing it several feet in front of him and walking back to the place he once stood.

    The second of the Stranded stepped forwards, snatching the Lancer Assault rifle. “What the hell makes you think that’s our problem?” Called the bearded man in the group.

    “Because…the Locust will attack here; it’s inevitable,” Shouted Vito, moving closer to each of the armed Stranded, laying down his weapon.

    “Damn good point, I don’t suppose we should be ****tin’ around,” Cut in the Stranded.

    Setting their differences aside, the Stranded gate keepers grudgingly allowed each of the Gears to enter the encampment mostly unarmed. The Gears were only allowed to keep side arms and the very armor and equipment they had on. As they entered, the large metal gates slammed shut behind them; the eyes of the Stranded were upon them. The alienated squads of Gears were in the capital of a group of people who completely despised them in every sense of the word.
    Last edited by AdamFenix; 06-02-2010 at 08:39 PM.

  4. #4
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    Things that go bump in the night.

    Act IV

    The Night deceives our eyes. It makes colors seem what they are not. Red turns to grey and yellow turns to white. This is no exception for the planet of Sera, where nightfall lasts several hours longer, allowing the Kryll a long period of time to hunt for sustenance. Being subterranean creatures, they are extremely photosensitive due to the normally low amount of light in their caves, avoiding the light at all costs. Swarms of these fearsome creatures flew through the narrow streets and alleyways of Montevado city, turning the entire fading memory of human existence in the city to a seldom whimper of the past. This populace belonged to the creatures of the night, which occupied every possible region within Sera.

    “I remember the stories they used to tell us as a kid,” Webster said.

    “Which ones?” Replied Vito, picking up his canteen.

    “The ones about the monsters hiding in the dark…too bad they ended up being true,” said Webster.

    Vito concluded that much of his childhood past had been spent attending public schools and being raised by his mother. She had always taken care of him to the very best of her ability. His father was a faint memory, however, having only seen the man once in his entire lifetime. He was the very last soldier to die in the Pendulum Wars.

    “Hopefully the Lieutenant will be back with more food,” Vito said.

    “Yeah, we can only hope this food doesn’t give us dysentery,” said Webster.

    Stratford returned several minutes later with more food rations the Stranded could spare. He sat beside Webster and bit down into a piping hot sandwich, chewing it at a slow pace. After swallowing a large amount of his food, he managed to speak.

    “I hate to disappoint,” Stratford said. “But we don’t have long before the enemy gets here. The Stranded informed me that they’ve spotted incoming flocks of Kryll.”

    “Damn, where did those bastards come from?” asked Webster.

    “From the caves in the Jacinto Plateau; that’s their territory now. This entire encampment looks like one big snack. Lock and load. Meet in the main courtyard in five minutes.”

    Five minutes passes by quickly when you are nervous. It passes by even faster when you think about starving Kryll looking up you as their next meal. Vito knew that nothing good could come of this engagement, but he planned to participate in the battle. Everywhere he looked, Stranded were turning on lights of all sorts, stacking propane tanks in neat piles for emergency lighting. The impromptu barricades and sandbags piled around the camp would provide for good cover from both the incoming Kryll and possible enemy fire. Vito prayed that grubs wouldn’t tunnel up from beneath their feet and take them for surprise in the middle of battle. He couldn’t shoot at the Kryll and defend from grubs at the same time.

    “Alright, all the Stranded have provided plenty of light to protect us. Vito, I want you on one of the UV turrets on the west wall. Webster, I need you on the Eastern wall. I’m going to defend the main entrance with the others. Understood?”

    “Rodger that, sir,” Replied Vito and Webster in unison.

    Each of the Gears scrambled to locate their locations within the encampment, readying themselves for anything the Locust would throw at them. The Kryll closed in from above, diving towards the camp in a suicidal attempt to feed upon the Serans below. Swarm after swarm dove towards the structures below, only to be burned alive the second they came into contact with light. Vito grasped the handles of his UV turret, directing its penetrating beam to each wave of Kryll that dove towards the camp. The effort to defend against the airborne attack was almost useless; the sheer amount of the creatures was staggering. They numbered in the hundreds of thousands, congesting the night air with the flapping of wings and their cries of pain when exposed to the ultra-violet light. The UV turret was capable of taking down hundreds of Kryll at a time, Vito was sure of this, but the weapon lacked aiming mobility to be completely effective. Swarms of Kryll had had finally managed to knock out several strands of light leaving both the Stranded and Gears in the way of harm.

    Vito watched as a large cloud of Kryll tore open a shelter that housed several of the Stranded guards, ripping them into bloody chunks of flesh within seconds. The mess was scattered all over the pavement, it almost made him vomit. Everyone in the encampment shot their weapons upwards, trying to kill as many of the vermin as possible. It took several more minutes before the Kryll retreated from the surrounding areas.

    “Gears, head count! Do we have anyone down?!” shouted Stratford over the Tac/com, concerned for the lives of his men.

    “Webster here, I lost two of the Stranded on my end. I’m okay though,” Webster said.

    “Vito checking in… we lost everyone here. I’m not sure how much longer this flank can hold.”

    “Hold tight, soldier. We’re on our way,” Stratford said.

    After twenty minutes of clearing the encampment of the mess and policing the bodies of the fallen, the Gears moved into the central gathering place, attempting to check on the other survivors of the camp. They estimated that a greater majority of the camp survived the attack, with the healthiest of the Stranded stepping forwards.

    “You bastards brought the Grubs with you. Give me one reason we shouldn’t just pop you right here.” said the Stranded leader.

    “I’ll give you three,” replied Stratford.

    “Oh yeah?” Retorted the leader angrily.

    “I’ve watched too many innocent people die because of the Coalition. Countless missions, I’ve had to leave behind women and children, only to find their bodies huddled in corners on the next patrol. That ends tonight.”

    Lieutenant Stratford moved towards the leader of the Stranded, clutching his Lancer Assault Rifle tightly in each of his gloved hands. He closed the distance between himself and the hulking Stranded, attempting to show the man his true intentions.

    “We’re on the same damn side. Humanity is failing. If we are to win this war, we need to work together,” Stratford said.

    “This doesn’t mean we’re in your army now, does it?” replied the Stranded.

    “No. We’ll protect you and see that your people will make it through all of this. Gather what supplies you have, we’ll depart at sunrise. The Locust will be all over us if we don’t.”

    Stratford turned to face his men, walking back to their company. While doing so the muscular man he spoke to seconds ago shouted towards him.

    “What’s your name, Gear?” shouted the leader.

    “Stratford. Lieutenant Stratford,” replied the Lieutenant.
    Last edited by AdamFenix; 06-02-2010 at 08:38 PM.

  5. #5
    Legend.....wait for it....dary
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    Hey this is going great, and seems like something I've read faintly before.

    One thing though, don't make it bold, rather put this in a Quote box eh? It'll go easier on the eyes. Yeah, besides that this is great, and I'll be looking forward to reading some more from you.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Hey this is going great, and seems like something I've read faintly before.

    One thing though, don't make it bold, rather put this in a Quote box eh? It'll go easier on the eyes. Yeah, besides that this is great, and I'll be looking forward to reading some more from you.
    I didn't do so well with trying to put up quote boxes... I'm working on the next chapter as we speak and I look forward to getting it up.

  7. #7
    Legend.....wait for it....dary
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    Alright I'll show you how.

    First, click that speech bubble up there. The one that looks like a square with a tip in the comment box. (This should come up)


    [QUOTE*][/QUOTE] (Without the * ) You don't need the star, it's there to show you what the Quote tags look like.

    And then copy and paste all your writing into that quote box.


    You should have;



    Four days had passed without reinforcements. Ammunition was scarce and difficult to come by, with what little supplies could be located in the heart of Ephyra. The air was thick with the smell of discharged weapons, smoke, and leaking fuel. The Centaur Main Battle Tank that Echo Squad used to traverse the city had been disabled by a swarm of tickers, preventing the Gears from escaping their current location. The vehicle came to a halt within a central courtyard of a former government building, surrounded on several flanks by locust snipers and drones.

    “Webster, get to cover!” The largest soldier in the squad quickly ducked behind the smoldering remains of the Centaur, positioning himself underneath the main cannon.

    “We have incoming fire!” Bringing his Lancer Assault Rifle upwards, Lieutenant Stratford unleashed hell on the incoming Locust forces from a firing stance near the disabled vehicle.

    The explosion had torn through the Centaur tank, killing one of the four crew members. Vito could barely manage to gain his bearings on his surroundings; he couldn’t tell where he was within what was once the armored vehicle. The only noise besides the monotonous ringing from the explosion was that of the Lieutenant barking orders to the surviving members of the squad to take cover from the hail of gunfire directed towards them from every direction that could provide an advantage in a firefight.

    Vito managed to roll from underneath the wreckage of the Centaur tank and onto the cobblestone pavement below. He finally had a fresh view of things from inside his helmet; the devastation brought from the pack of tickers had been much more destructive than he had originally anticipated. The vehicle had been completely spilt open, with most of its internal parts spread across much of the courtyard. Without hesitating, Vito dove behind rubble that originated from a collapsed building, creating a large obstruction in the main avenue upon which the rest of the squad hunkered down from enemy fire. Becoming irritated of being pinned down, Vito returned fire. He emptied half a clip towards the direction of incoming fire, hoping to pepper Locust infantry with a hail of bullets.

    His efforts were met with further frustration, as none of his shots met their mark. The incoming Locust Drones quickly scrambled behind stone columns no further than twenty feet away. The sounds of war filled Vito’s helmet with a chorus of gunfire from just about every type of weapon he used during basic training. He was one of the last soldiers in the COG to finish basic training before being shipped out for active duty. The war had driven the Coalition of Ordered Governments to make hasty choices for troops on the battlefield, showing how desperate the war effort had become; command relied on Veteran Gears teaching rookies the ropes.

    Vito found himself locked within a dazed, trance-like state, his body filled with fear and his mind wrecked with the thought of death. The sounds of his squad mates broke the silence he experienced in his mind.

    “Rodriguez!” “Prime your grenade, soldier!”

    Vito quickly dipped his hand into the satchel attached to his thigh, priming a bolo grenade for use. Leaning against a crumbled pile of concrete, he began swinging the grenade in a quickened, circular motion. The explosive attached to the chain-like extension was swung around and released when enough momentum was gained to throw it. He watched the device clatter along the cobblestone surface before landing next to a pair of Locust drones. The next thing he knew, chunks of the enemy combatants landed everywhere near the location he tossed the grenade.

    “Echo squad! Full retreat! Take cover in that building!”

    Lieutenant Stratford and Private Webster bolted off towards the building, filling the air with the sounds of Lancer rifle fire, which echoed loudly in the courtyard. Compelled by the will to survive, Vito followed after both of his squad members, in the hope he too, would survive the ordeal. The young soldier vaulted over a pile of sandbags, preventing incoming Locust fire from hitting him while he had his back turned to the enemy.

    The squad seemed to be safe from the Locust threat for the time being. They had made it into the cover of the bombed out building, surrounded by all sides by sandbags and rubble. With each suicidal attempt, a Locust soldier would rush the fortified position; the combined firepower of their weapons quickly dispatched all incoming hostiles.

    Private Webster turned to face Vito Rodriguez, whispering under his breath. “So…soldier…what units were you assigned too before joining with us this fine morning? More importantly, what is your name?”

    Webster grinned towards the rookie Gear, loading a fresh clip into his rifle.

    Vito placed his weapon against the sandbag he positioned himself against, quickly replying to the other soldier.

    '“Vito Rodriguez, Private 2nd' Class, COG-117316-AP-17Y. 26'th' Royal Tyran Infantry, 216'th' detachment, Echo-nine.”

    “Didn’t need your whole life story, kid. You can call me Webster.”

    Private Webster reached over to Vito, offering him a firm handshake. They exchanged greetings before looking to the Lieutenant.

    “That kid… is Lieutenant Stratford. A real hero and a living legend; He served in the Pendulum Wars.”

    Vito’s eyes widened beneath his helmet, gazing towards the infamous soldier from the Pendulum wars.
    “Wow…really? I didn’t even know that anybody was left from the Pendulum Wars.”

    Vito shook his head in disbelief, refusing to believe that anyone could possibly survive so many encounters with the enemy and still be breathing.

    Oh also, try and change the title of your acts into chapters. Acts should be used to divide chapters. Example below.

    Act I

    Chapter One
    Chapter Two
    Chapter Three

    Act II

    Chapter Four
    Chapter Five
    Chapter Six

    Act III

    Chapter Seven
    Chapter Eight
    Chapter Nine
    Last edited by SKORGE; 05-30-2010 at 03:15 PM.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Alright I'll show you how.

    First, click that speech bubble up there. The one that looks like a square with a tip in the comment box. (This should come up)


    [QUOTE*]
    (Without the * ) You don't need the star, it's there to show you what the Quote tags look like.

    And then copy and paste all your writing into that quote box.


    You should have;



    I'll work on changing the format of my story as soon as I can; I need to get back from my trip first. :P


    Oh also, try and change the title of your acts into chapters. Acts should be used to divide chapters. Example below.

    Act I

    Chapter One
    Chapter Two
    Chapter Three

    Act II

    Chapter Four
    Chapter Five
    Chapter Six

    Act III

    Chapter Seven
    Chapter Eight
    Chapter Nine
    [/QUOTE]

  9. #9
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    ^ Messed up the quote I see?

    Alright then, no problem.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Ok, I read the first two "Acts" and I have to say there really isn't much of a plot here. I'm not entirely sure where you are going with it, but there is no timeline, no location...it just reads like a random, chronicled event, nothing more. There's potential into making it an interesting story, but right now, I'm not seeing it...you may have to orient me to what it is you're trying to accomplish here.

    ...also, I suggest not to bold the entire text.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonesybites View Post
    Ok, I read the first two "Acts" and I have to say there really isn't much of a plot here. I'm not entirely sure where you are going with it, but there is no timeline, no location...it just reads like a random, chronicled event, nothing more. There's potential into making it an interesting story, but right now, I'm not seeing it...you may have to orient me to what it is you're trying to accomplish here.

    ...also, I suggest not to bold the entire text.
    If you haven't read the entire thing, you shouldn't judge so harshly. It's beginning off slow and becoming more detailed as I go. I'm trying to get over the bold issue thanks to the help of some others who have given kind and helpful feedback and not slandering feedback.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdamFenix View Post
    If you haven't read the entire thing, you shouldn't judge so harshly. It's beginning off slow and becoming more detailed as I go. I'm trying to get over the bold issue thanks to the help of some others who have given kind and helpful feedback and not slandering feedback.


    I read the next two acts and the I'm still seeing the same issue as I have mentioned before, other than it takes place in Montevado, sometime (I'm assuming) before the Lightmass Offensive, but describing things "along the way" may not be a productive way to tell the story, unless this is supposed to be a short.

    It doesn't come across to me as being "slow," it's just seems like it's jumping right into the middle of the campaign...there's no direction other than just a squad trying to survive out in the boonies...what is their mission, or what is the circumstances behind their plight, ect.? It's not badly written, it just needs some direction, otherwise, it's just description of series of events.

    ...and lastly, I wasn't slandering, I was stating a potential problem with your plot so it can be improved...and one of the foundations that can make and break a story is the plot. If you or others want to disagree with me, that's fine, but don't accuse me of something that is baseless.

    Anyway, good luck.
    Last edited by Jonesybites; 06-02-2010 at 11:08 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonesybites View Post
    I read the next two acts and the I'm still seeing the same issue as I have mentioned before, other than it takes place in Montevado, sometime (I'm assuming) before the Lightmass Offensive, but describing things "along the way" may not be a productive way to tell the story, unless this is supposed to be a short.

    It doesn't come across to me as being "slow," it's just seems like it's jumping right into the middle of the campaign...there's no direction other than just a squad trying to survive out in the boonies...what is their mission, or what is the circumstances behind their plight, ect.? It's not badly written, it just needs some direction, otherwise, it's just description of series of events.

    ...and lastly, I wasn't slandering, I was stating a potential problem with your plot so it can be improved...and one of the foundations that can make and break a story is the plot. If you or others want to disagree with me, that's fine, but don't accuse me of something that is baseless.

    Anyway, good luck.
    Okay... this comment was MUCH more helpful. I'll see what I can do in the next act to get things rolling along. I apologize for shooting off at you like I did, I'll work on making things easy to understand (It should be noted that this takes places before the Lightmass Offensive, I was going to gradually work my way up to the timeline of Gears 3 with each progressive act).

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    Wow, that's a pretty expansive timeline to cover in one story, unless you intended to divide it into "books," or parts...and if I'm not mistaken, the time between GoW2 & 3 is eighteen months. I've read another FF where someone divided their story into "parts," but they never finished it so I couldn't say if it worked well or not.

    If that is the direction you decide to go with, I would have to agree with SKORGE; subdividing chapters and use the "Acts" to divide the chapters would probably be the better way to go...I dunno, you'd have to experiment with it to see if it would work. Fortunately, we can always go back and change it if it doesn't work out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonesybites View Post
    Wow, that's a pretty expansive timeline to cover in one story, unless you intended to divide it into "books," or parts...and if I'm not mistaken, the time between GoW2 & 3 is eighteen months. I've read another FF where someone divided their story into "parts," but they never finished it so I couldn't say if it worked well or not.

    If that is the direction you decide to go with, I would have to agree with SKORGE; subdividing chapters and use the "Acts" to divide the chapters would probably be the better way to go...I dunno, you'd have to experiment with it to see if it would work. Fortunately, we can always go back and change it if it doesn't work out.
    I try to make each act readable but not too long; they will be about the length they are now... I don't intend to change that, but I will divide it into sections for you guys. I've been trying to put it into "quotes" for you to have easier reading but it gives me some stupid invalid message about posts being too short...? Anyway... I'll have to figure that out!

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    Yea, you have to have ten characters (similar to a normal post) outside of the qoute before you can post it...a little tidbit we probably should've mentioned to you earlier, sorry bout that ...but hopefully that should fix the issue.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonesybites View Post
    Yea, you have to have ten characters (similar to a normal post) outside of the qoute before you can post it...a little tidbit we probably should've mentioned to you earlier, sorry bout that ...but hopefully that should fix the issue.
    I have character profiles for people I have and (plan) to add to my fanfiction

    http://gowfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Alexander_Philip_Webster
    http://gowfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Victoria_Beckham
    http://gowfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Vito_Rodriguez
    http://gowfanon.wikia.com/wiki/Lieut...l%22_Stratford

  18. #18
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    Hey Adam, quote those and place them on the front page. I'm sure it would be easier to read then having to dig in and find the links. And the simple fact that the information will be out in front of the readers eyes, thus them not having to click and read something.

    Trust me, most tend to skip over anything that is not put in front of their faces.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Hey Adam, quote those and place them on the front page. I'm sure it would be easier to read then having to dig in and find the links. And the simple fact that the information will be out in front of the readers eyes, thus them not having to click and read something.

    Trust me, most tend to skip over anything that is not put in front of their faces.
    Issues have been addressed and taken care of.

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    Here, copy and paste these on there. I thought you' d have posted their information in a quote box rather then having a link out, I guess not. But no matter, this shall cover it.

    Alexander Philip Webster
    Victoria Beckham
    Vito Rodriguez
    Lieutenant James "Howell" Stratford
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Here, copy and paste these on there. I thought you' d have posted their information in a quote box rather then having a link out, I guess not. But no matter, this shall cover it.

    Alexander Philip Webster
    Victoria Beckham
    Vito Rodriguez
    Lieutenant James "Howell" Stratford
    Thanks for the help, Skorge. Greatly appreciated! But I don't really expect many people to read this fanfiction... it's a nice try... but hopefully it will get some readers.

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    It will get readers over time, nothing ever happens all at once.

    Be patient, is really all I have to say.
    In Sera, peace doesn't exist...
    Snowfall's Dexterity
    ...and it never will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisX View Post
    It will get readers over time, nothing ever happens all at once.

    Be patient, is really all I have to say.
    I'm well aware. It's strange how I've gotten several hundred views though.

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    If you read others' fan fics, they might be more inclined to check yours out to return the favor. It's what I did for most of my readers.

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    Mhm. Also, putting your fiction in your signature will get you more reads as well.
    In Sera, peace doesn't exist...
    Snowfall's Dexterity
    ...and it never will.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ChrisX View Post
    Mhm. Also, putting your fiction in your signature will get you more reads as well.
    I tip my hat to you, my good sir!

    (Any idea on how to make the link a word and not the extended, entire link? This would be helpful for a great many things...)

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    Hold on......

    Link
    Last edited by SKORGE; 06-02-2010 at 10:51 PM.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Hold on......

    Link
    Skorge... you are my hero!

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    This is great. Are you going to do more?? I need to know what happens.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EdieKaye View Post
    This is great. Are you going to do more?? I need to know what happens.
    I was unsure about this piece. It is my original and first fan-fiction. Did you also check out the character profiles? They were little goodies I added later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdamFenix View Post
    I was unsure about this piece. It is my original and first fan-fiction. Did you also check out the character profiles? They were little goodies I added later.
    I did in fact check out the character profiles. It's nice to put a face or a helmet to a character. I'd would like to have seen a profile for Larry. I need to know why Larry isn't with the Cog anymore.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EdieKaye View Post
    I did in fact check out the character profiles. It's nice to put a face or a helmet to a character. I'd would like to have seen a profile for Larry. I need to know why Larry isn't with the Cog anymore.
    Duly noted! I forgot about him! I shall add him to the same spot right now!

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    Thanks. I now understand why he left the Cog. He's kind of scary looking.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EdieKaye View Post
    Thanks. I now understand why he left the Cog. He's kind of scary looking.
    He's one of those Stranded who did things he didn't want too in order to keep his family alive.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdamFenix View Post
    He's one of those Stranded who did things he didn't want too in order to keep his family alive.
    I like him, but I can't explain why.

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    Quote Originally Posted by EdieKaye View Post
    I like him, but I can't explain why.
    I'll be sure to make him enjoyable. For now I need to get to bed. Once Tools of War is finished you can expect a brand new chapter coming up afterward.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AdamFenix View Post
    I'll be sure to make him enjoyable. For now I need to get to bed. Once Tools of War is finished you can expect a brand new chapter coming up afterward.
    Goodnight and thanks.


 

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