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  1. #1
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    Default Rising Up - A Gears of war Fan Fic

    Ahhh! Welcome everyone to my second fan fiction. This will be my first as a locust and will be very diffrent! Hope you enjoy it and if you do, please comment!

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    CREDITS TO TheRealBigBoss

    Last edited by Cog Edward; 05-12-2011 at 07:40 PM.
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    Chapter 1: Leader ship

    The darkness of the hollow. The only thing everyone would be able to see day and night. The only light down there was the Queens throne room. The bronze large doors kept everyone in hope. The lambent were hitting them from right to left. The locust had to attack the lambent to retain, and concur the hollow. If that were to fail, they would meet their doom that very second.

    A figure walked the pathway to the Nexus. Standing long and proud. Palace Guards were escorting him to the Queen. His grin made him confident, he knew he was gonna make the right decision. Today was his first day as a leader and was being taken to the throne room to choose his squad.

    "So, are we there yet?" The figure asked excited.

    "Almost. Hang in there." A Palace Guard replied.

    "Alright. Just don't ruin this for me." The figure added.

    "The Queen's orders is our orders. You will not die or be betrayed." Another Guard interrupted.

    At last, they had arrived to the holy doors. The Palace Guards standing next to the doors looked around before knocking on the doors. The doors slowly emerged open as the figure being escorted smiled in success. He had never seen the palace from the inside. He was jumping inside. Almost enough jumping to make him actually jump.

    The inside was the real deal. The gold floors shining up to the roof and any one who walked by it. The statues in every corner and sides, stood up like giants. Every statue with a different meaning for the horde to realize. In the center of the room was a huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling. It's diamonds reflecting the light from the floor and brighten up the room. The Queen was sitting in her large throne. On top of her, was a huge window that spoke of the legacy the locust had to achieve. That wall was called the "Legacy of the horde." Everyone believed in it. Except the lambent of course. Beside the all mighty Queen, was the most respected General in the whole hollow, General RAAM. His dark armor was one of the thousand things that made him frightening. On the other side of the Queen was the powerfulest Palace Guard in the hollow. No one knew his name except RAAM and the Queen.

    "Captain Jarnix, always a pleasure to see you." The Queen echoed through the throne room. "Guards, leave us four alone."

    The Guards that escorted Jarnix left as ordered shutting the large doors behind them.

    After that, the Queen gave the Palace Guard next to her a scroll for him to read. "Jarnix, for your bravery at the city of Nyrt, you are now officially a Colonel of the locust horde, and will be able to choose your own squad. Every one of the members that you will choose is one-hundred percent skilled from their time in the training grounds. Since you are now above the others, you will no longer be a Theron Sentinel. You are now a free race meaning that you choose your armor and weapons. Congratulations for your success by saving lives of young and young at heart soldieries. You may now walk to the Queen."

    Jarnix slowly walked up to the Queen looking around. He then got up the stairs and bowed down.

    "You may rise." The Queen commanded.

    Jarnix rose, so did the Queen. The Queen then stared at him for a while until she put her hands around his helmet. She then did a prayer before slowly pulling the helmet off. Jarnix's face had no damage except his eye in the left that looked light blue from a fire accident. The Queen then took out a sword and layed it on Jarnix's left shoulder, then she layed it in his right shoulder and then she gave him the sword as an honorable gift.

    "You now have the permission to come here when ever you need to." The Queen stated.

    "Don't worry my Queen. I won't let you down." Jarnix honorably said.

    "You will have your speech in an hour. So get ready and change your armor." RAAM stated.

    "Yes sir!" Jarnix saluted them and left the room.

    "Are you sure he will be a great leader?" RAAM questioned.

    "T'Chark let me know what should be done with him. He shall become a great leader." The Queen added.
    ------------

    Jarnix arrived to his home alone as he let out a quite cheer to himself for being what he is today. He then went to the back of his house as he saw some dead animals that could be used for armor. Jarnix was kind of a tech head so he knew what to do with the armor. Jarnix took about 15 minutes carving the animal's skin and burning some of the blood off so it would become leather. After he had all the pieces for his robe and shirt. He then begun the armor. He made it bullet proof for any smart ass that would try and kill him. After another 15 minutes, he was done. He first put the under shirts and pants on. They were black and made out of normal cloth, as he then layed on the armor. It was just a regular armor that was bullet proof. It ran from his shoulders to his legs. It was a basic muscle shirt armor. Only covered his back, front, and legs. Not arms or head.He then layed on the upper body parts. The robe, and everything else a locust colonel or general would wear. The upper shirt was all black and covered the armor completely. It was leathery black from all the kryll and bat like creatures he could find. He then put on the V shaped neck piece on to his neck. It kept the armor and upper cloth steady. The upper leather part was really thick so it would absorb any bullets before hitting the armor. He then put his black locust boots on as he looked like a real colonel. He had all black armor and clothes. He then put his locust emblem on his right arm where his leather upper armor was. That way, people would recognize him.

    Jarnix then walked out of his house and on to the speech center. Locust all over the place cheered for him as he waved at them. He walked up the stairs as the Queen, RAAM and the Palace Guard waited for him. Jarnix grabbed the micro phone and sighed before starting his speech.

    "My fellow soldieries. We are here today, to celebrate the death of the lambent at Nyrt. They shall bother us no more. I could ensure you that we, the horde shall crush any lambent forces in our boots! They shall fall and sink before the locust breed! They are no match for us. They say that WE, are the traitors when they are the ones who betrayed us from surprise. We have done what we had to do to survive. And if necessary, we shall continue," At this time, some of the locust were nodding as some of them would cheer. "There is nothing that could stop us. City by city, we, shall, destroy them!" Jarnix then walked back as the crowd cheered from the top of their lungs. The hollow shaking from cheering. They knew that Jarnix was going to be a great leader.
    Last edited by Cog Edward; 04-24-2009 at 04:41 PM.
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    Pretty nice start! I think you just need to let us know when this is set. (Judging RAAM's apperance, it's before Gears 1 right?)

    You also mentioned T'Chark, nice.

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    Yeah. It's before gears of war 1 man.
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    Who could "The most powerful Palace guard" be?

  6. #6
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    Don't know man. Just came to my mind....>.>.....<.<
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    Very good ff, it's starting off pretty good. Keep it up
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    Thanks man. I hope I continue that way.
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    I think it is RAAM.

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    Next episode, add more text
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  11. #11
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    What do you mean, it was the first chapter. It had enough text compared to most ff.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cog Edward View Post
    What do you mean, it was the first chapter. It had enough text compared to most ff.
    Yeah what was it about 1,000 words?

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    I'm just recomending him to add more stuff...
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    I recommend to change the format, be a little more descriptive in the dialogue, and be more careful on the grammar but, the core content is good.

    For example you wrote:
    At last, they had arrived to the holy doors. The Palace Guards standing next to the doors looked around before knocking on the doors. The doors slowly emerged open as the figure being escorted smiled in success. He had never seen the palace from the inside. He was jumping inside. Almost enough jumping to make him actually jump.
    You can change it around like this.
    Finally, they had arrived at the sacred doors. The Palace Guards guarding the throne room, slowly pushed the heavy marble doors open for the successful Locust. As the Palace Guards and Jarnix emerged into the throne room, Jarnix devilishly grinned showing his sharp, menacing teeth. He had never seen the palace from the inside and was jumping inside from his eagerness. He almost wanted to jump he was so happy.
    Everything is good but, it can be better. If you enjoy writing and keep writing then you will begin to learn and become better. You have a lot of potential.
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    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Disciple of Waldo.

    Dancing on the ashes of the world, I behold the stars.
    Heavy gale is blowing to my face, rising up the dust.
    Barren lands are desperate to blossom, dark stars strive to shine.
    I still remember blue oceans, in this dying world.

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    Thanks. I'll try and do that but there was a small mistake on your corections. Jarnix was introduced to us by the Queen. The readers might not have known who jarnix is, but I get your point.

    EDIT @ M4RC5S: You're saying that sarcastecly or for real?
    Last edited by Cog Edward; 04-15-2009 at 12:12 AM.
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    Hey, great chapter Edward, sucks that I am commenting on the second page. But oh well....... I look forward for more.

    PS: LAMBENT RULE!
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    I thought Skorge was a locust. And thanks man. Yeah, you usualy comment on first.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cog Edward View Post
    I thought Skorge was a locust. And thanks man. Yeah, you usualy comment on first.
    Well, he is considard Locust too right" Lambent are Locust. Yeah, I uselly do, but was off today.
    Last edited by SKORGE; 04-15-2009 at 08:01 PM.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

  19. #19
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    Yeah. First page is a dousy. And I just got an idea, Gow3, RAAM and Skorge come back as lambent!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cog Edward View Post
    Yeah. First page is a dousy. And I just got an idea, Gow3, RAAM and Skorge come back as lambent!
    A better idea would be them throwing the queen into an inmulsion lake and making a Lambent Queen
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    That would be akward since the Queen would be executed in that very second.
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    Decisions Decisions.


    Jarnix was being cheered as he walked to the training grounds. He felt so alive. Young lings would even step outside of their homes just to see their highly chanced future light of hope. Jarnix as always, kept walking like a normal soldier. He wanted this moment to last so he took his time. The devilish grin on his face made him cocky enough to think of how he could 'save' the hollow.

    Jarnix would walk up to any nearby locust soldier to just chat. Normally he would continue on but this was his special day. The only day he could actually brag about. A drone walked up to him and asked him some questions.

    "Do you think you will make good decisions? Will you lead us to victory? How shall you do it? Will you make history? "

    Jarnix, annoyed with his stupidity, gently raised his hands.

    "Another word, and you'll be my history. Got it?" Jarnix growled.

    "Yes...sir!"

    Jarnix then continued off smiling and talking to other locusts. He sometimes made some cheering noises for him self to get him pumped up, for the city of Nexus.
    ---------------

    As he walked by, the crowd would cheer and yell compliments to him. Jarnix peered through the edge of his right eye, then his left. Everyone was celebrating their new colonel. He took a brief pause as he let out a chuckle and started waving as he walked.

    "Congratulations!" Drones yelled.

    "Thanks for saving my child!" Others yelled.

    Some part of the crowd was going insane by thinking of the lambent. "Kill the lambent!" They yelled. "Don't let them reach Nexus!" Jarnix ignored the insane locust as he continued on.
    ---------------

    As he walked by the end of the crowd, two Theron Guards awaited his presence.

    "Colonel Jarnix?" One of them sneered. Showing his teeth.

    "Yeah?"

    "Right this way."

    They lead Jarnix to what looked like a church for the Kantus monks to pray.

    As they lead him through the rocky and rubbled path, Jarnix looked around to see all types of Guards holding back soldiers that wanted to go inside. Some of the Guards even had to melee them for their unreasonable actions. A locust drone tried to push back a Theron before being quickly kneed in the mouth. His blood pouring down like drool. A teeth was loose as the drone lost balance and fell still trying to push. The floor quickly filled up with red as the Theron just kicked away the body with ease.

    "Why are they trying to get in?" Jarnix asked.

    "Top secret. We're not supposed to speak." The second Theron Guard growled.

    "Yeah well in case you didn't notice, I'm the colonel, now tell me!" Jarnix snapped.

    The Therons sighed as they nodded at each other. "They want to get in because the Queen shall be there. And the more souls that don't know, the better it is."

    "Why wasn't I informed about this?" Jarnix replied.

    "Like we said, top, secret!" A Theron whispered.

    They had finally arrived at the sacred doors. Two kantus monks stood perfectly still as the two Therons pushed open the doors. It creaked for a while until they opened it up to it's maximum. Kantus's where all over the church praying or reading holy scrolls.

    They walked in as the metal floor reflected Jarnix's face. It looked crooked and miss shaped from all the air and whispering going on. The ceiling had a secret note that only Kantus could read. The walls were mostly burned or had dents in it since the church used to be a battle field. The Therons closed the doors with a 'SLAM' as they all walked to the end of the room. There was a normal sized door in the center of the wall as the unknown Palace Guard stood next to the door.

    "State your names!" He demanded.

    A Theron quickly stood up straight and stared the Palace Guard straight in the eye. "I'm sergeant Krytn with my partner Shiblem escorting Colonel Jarnix to you sir!"

    "Mmmm.... Good. Leave us alone. I shall be escorting him now." The Guard growled.

    Shiblem put his hand on his fore head and saluted him self away. "Yes sir!" He replied.

    The Therons left the room and left them alone with the Kantus's.

    The Guard walked up to Jarnix and gave him his instructions. "Very well Jarnix, behind this door will be your new squad. It's your decision who you want to choose. They will go through some exercises and show you what they can do. At the end you may choose only two soldiers from this academy. When your presence enters this room again, you shall choose one Kantus monk to lead you to the right path. After that you have the choice to choose a Boomer of your like. Next you shall choose your weapons wisely. But the good part is at the end, where you can choose your own reaver!" The Guard sounded very exited about the reaver part. T'Chart knows that Jarnix was very excited about the reaver part also.

    As the Guard opened up the door, Jarnix opened up his eye as he saw the biggest training field he had ever saw in his life! It stretched up for about four miles and widened up with six. It was indoors and was filled with training equipment. Jarnix dropped his jaw as the Guard Chuckled.

    "Always good to see a new leader excited!" He whispered.

    "This place....it's...HUGE!" Jarnix excitedly said letting out a small laugh of happiness.

    The two walked in slamming the door behind them. As they walked, the could actually feel the coldness in the room. Their boots booming throughout the training grounds as the drones and their trainer's turned to face us.

    "I'm assuming you're Colonel Jarnix?" A trainer said with a devil like grin.

    "Yes, and he's here to pick his squad!" The Guard announced loudly for the drones to get in shape.

    The drones seemed pretty excited also to be in a squad rather than being depressed and out of shape.

    The trainer then yelled out for them to get ready for the running exam.
    ------------

    Two drones were getting ready to run. Their names were Reluk and Zumn. Reluk was the more advanced one while Zumn was the rookie. When the trainer gave the signal, they were the two who out ran the others. Jarnix was impressed indeed and wanted to see more. Zumn and Reluk did not know each other but were trying to out run each other. One of them succeeded and it was the experienced one, Reluk. Zumn came in second place as they all lined for one to be eliminated. Jarnix eliminated one of the drones as he walked off the the other half of the field and started to train in anger.

    Next, was the shooting range. The all time favorite for Jarnix. Anyone in the top five could easily impress him. Again, Reluk came on top with 5 head shots and 1 body hit with a boltok. Zumn came in second with the score of 4 head shots, 1 body hit, and 1 leg hit. Reluk and Zumn came to the final five with three others. Jarnix again eliminated someone who quickly went for training.

    The last challenge was the training course. The last five remaining drones had to go through the course and out of the finish line. There were some explosions but they weren't so harmful. Some Grenadiers got on some Troika machine gun filled with paint bullets. They didn't kill but they hurt like ****. Seeing the guns brought memories back to Jarnix as he held his arm.

    All the drones got ready to go as the mark was set! All drones lept, ducked, and even dived for the risk of being in a squad. Reluk as always was doing a great job. Dodging every bullet, getting to cover correctly and even throwing rocks to distract the gunners. Zumn on the other hand, got hit with bullets two times. His head kept perking up from cover, and was the main attraction.

    Reluk passed the finish line in first. He jumped up and down from excitement. Zumn finished in third as the rest finally finished. Jarnix lined up the drones as he eliminated the two drones that finished last. They did way to horrible to be in a squad. Now was the hard part. Reluk was already in since he always got first. But the last two were all tied up! After a minute of thinking, Jarnix chose the other drone over Zumn. Zumn hung his head in disappointment as the other drone started to choke on something. Reluk and Jarnix looked at him while he threw up some blood and what seemed some kind of acid! He apeared to have gotten the famous "Rink" plant. It dose not affect you but it makes you invincible and un hurtable. He cheated just to get out of the training grounds!

    Jarnix walked up to the choking drone as he then raised him up from neck.

    "How dare you!" Jarnix livid said. "I could crush you!" But he didn't as he just threw him aside and gave Zumn a sign to join the group. Zumn lightened up with joy as he ran to Reluk and Jarnix as fast as he could.

    ---(Here's when the major edit begins)----
    As the trio entered the room, Reluk seemed to be looking around the church. It apeared to them that Reluk had never seen holy ground before. The back door was the only way to get to the training grounds without disrupting the Kantus monks.

    "This...this is amazing!" Reluk gasped in amazement.

    "You've never seen holy ground before Reluk?" Zumn asked rather confused.

    "No! I never got to go outside as a youngling." Reluk explained "My dad was in the army while my mother was burned by a hammer of dawn. My brother was the only one who took care of me and back then, there was nothing he could really do."

    "Well take a good look." Jarnix added. "This might be the last time one of you might see it." Jarnix, with his devilish grin; looked back at the two who were shivering from the news.

    They finally arrived to the Palace Guard as Kantus monks where all lined up behind him.

    "Ahh! Good choice colonel" The Guard congratulated. "Reluk and Zumn are the most talented of drones!"

    "If they continue they might be turning into Theron Guards." Jarnix whispered at the Guard so the others wouldn't find out.

    The Guard nodded as he let a slight grin. "Mmmm... I see. Well, now is time for your second task! Each of these kantus have a special gift. The gift of knowledge!"

    All the kantus's were meditating in the air as they all hummed and hissed out of horrible thoughts. The humming and hissing came to a welcoming end as they all did a simmer Sault in the air and landed on their naked feet. They thought that the naked feet was a sign of holy ness. The more they feel the floor, the more closer they are to T'Chark, the worm goddess! It was told that she would once be the Saviour of all locust in their time of need.

    As the kantus's bowed to the colonel, Jarnix walked up the stairs and faced them one by one seeing if any of them would be a fraud and crack. Jarnix then nodded as the Palace Guard read yet another scroll to the kantus's.

    "You are all gathered here to be examined and showed. At the end, one of you will have the honor to serve with the colonel. The lucky one will also be given special treatment in need. You shall begin when all of you are ready."

    The kantus's nodded and waited to be dismissed. When they were, they walked to the back and into a dark room. After a while, kantus monks started to come out with different types of 'holy' equipment.
    ------------------------

    Later on, the monks were all ready to perform and show their knowledge. The four, Jarnix, Reluk, Zumn and the Palace Guard all went to a room where they would meet all the monks alone so they would not be interrupted. The kantus's all did special tricks but some monks were lying! Lying was one of the things that Jarnix could not accept. He eliminated any liers immediately and let the show go on.
    -------------------------

    A young monk by the name Kendron was talking to his friend outside of the room. Kendron knew lots of things and was a well known member of the church. Kendron's friend went by the name of Krawlkwash which meant 'torpedo' in the locust tung.

    "You think they will elect me?" Kendron asked his old friend.

    "It's not what they do Kendron, it's what you do. Remember that!"

    Kendron let out a smile of confidence as the kantus inside the room came out with a hung head. The kantus then talked to Krawlkwash who then went inside the room.

    Kendron sighed as he swallowed and gulped. "Good luck master, you'll need it."
    -----------------------

    Krawlkwash then came out calling Kendron by his name. Kendron quickly stood up from the cold floor and walked inside. Krawlkwash came out trying to smile, but then dropped it raising his arms as in to say " I tried!"

    As Kendron walked inside, he saw the serious face on Jarnix's face. He knew not to mess around. The first exam had to do with kendron's knowing of the past.

    Kendron with no surprise, aced it as they moved on. He also aced the next test as they came to the challenging part. The real questions. Jarnix stood up and asked Kendron questions about himself so he knew he wasn't lying.

    "Who was my father?" Jarnix asked.

    Kendron cleared him mind and looked around for the past. Something was coming up.

    "Major Kratg sir!" Kendron answered.

    "Oooo. Nice answer monk." Jarnix complimented. "OK then. Who was my mother?" Jarnix asked.

    Kendron once again concentrated and came up with an answer. "Geesha! The special kind of berserker!"

    "Great job kid!" Jarnix again complimented.

    Jarnix kept asking and Kendron kept answering to the end.
    ------------------------
    The Palace Guard then looked at Jarnix who was thinking in letting Kendron join. He was neck and neck with another competitor. Finally, Jarnix stood up and looked at Kendron straight in the eye. He turned over to the Palace Guard and whispered him a question. The Palace Guard nodded as Jarnix turned back at Kendron.

    "What's, his, name!" Jarnix asked pointing at the Palace Guard.

    Kendron, who for the last time meditated, grinned and answered the question.

    "General Zunker!" Kendron quickly answered.

    "He's right!" Zunker, surprisingly smiled with an excited look.

    "Welcome to our squad Kendron!" Jarnix huffed looking at him straight in the eye.

    Kendron was speechless as he then nodded and smiled. Kendron was jumping inside. He then opened the door and walked behind the other four. The monks stared at Kendron with a congratulating look. Kantus's were always kind and generous to each other in this church. Kendron then stopped in front of Krawlkwash who then bowed infront of Kendron and saluted him good bye. Kendron showed his respects and also bowed before walking off with the others.
    -----------------------------
    "Let's go to the Boomer dent." Jarnix announced.

    "So you're gonna get a boomer huh?" Zunker asked.

    "I need the muscle in the team." Jarnix answered.

    The five walked miles until they got to the Boomer dent. Home of the Boomers. Boomers usually came to this place to rest and relax from the army. You could find any type of Boomer's inside. The five walked in front of it and looked around for any lambent forces. Since this was the farthest away place from Nexus that had great threats, the lambent were sure to attack. They did it before and they sure as hell would be doing it again.

    Jarnix kept looking around before giving orders. "Reluk, Zumn, Zunker, you stay here and guard this spot while Kendron and I look for the toughest Boomer inside."

    "Hey! I'm the General of this group, I'm going inside." Zunker snapped.

    "Listen to me, Reluk and Zumn are just Drones, until they are Therons, they will not be able to pick up enemy scent! Do you understand?" Jarnix whispered.

    "Alright alright. I'll do it." Zunker agreed as the trio stayed outside while Jarnix and Kendron walked inside.

    The place was a mess. Butchers were serving food and drinks for the Boomers while Boomer laughs could be heard throughout the hollow. Boomers where just like the ground walker word for 'Bikers'. They would destroy everything, eat everything, and of course, smelled.

    The two ignored the stench while Kendron looked around for the top three Boomers. Kendron came up with three grinders. Their names were, Geenx, Grewel, and Rouhk. The Boomers quickly recognized the colonel as everything grew silent.

    "Don't worry, I'm just here for...." Jarnix then reached over to Kendron and asked for their names. "Geenx, Grewel and Rouhk." The three did not resist as they followed the other two outside. Jarnix gave them target practice but it seemed that the lambent where gonna be the targets as the other three, Zunker, Zumn, and Reluk came in giving the news. The Boomers went outside to face the lambent as so did the other eight. The eight took cover from the front of the dent and started shooting. Maulers were attacking from the second row as the first row held up their boom shields protecting others.

    The eight of them joined the war as Jarnix gunned down a few of the lambent while Zunker attacked the lambent with his other 'holy' sword. Reluk and Zumn were fireing at will while Kendron threw ink grenades poisoning the incoming lambent. Blood from the Boomers and lambent where everywhere as flamers cam to the action burning any glowing thing they saw. The rocks started turning blood red as growls and screams filled the battle field.

    Geenx Rouhk and Grewel all held up their mulchers and opened hell fire to the lambent destroying one quarter of the lambent horde. Geenx however, was sniped in the head by a lambent sniper. Geenx head popped up as blood and pieces of skull followed. The body fell into a emulsion pool below burning his body to ashes.The sniper was quickly killed by Reluks sniper. Blood poured out of his head like a volcano as the body fell over the tall rock and into the burning iron that welcomed him below. Blood flew up as sizzling sounds filled the hollow. Burnt meat was the new stench as the small war ended.

    Grewel had been hit from bullets as reavers quickly came into action carrying kantus monks for aid. Grewel had to be taken away for a while until he was ready to go. Rouhk was the only choice now as he spoke.

    "Looks like I'm only one left right boss?" Rouhk childishly asked.

    "Looks like it big guy!" Jarnix replied.

    "Your squad is ready, now it's time for my favorite part...weapons! I will go with you for ammo. And then to your choosing of the reavers." Zunker announced.

    The six walked longer than usual with Rouhks big steps echoing through the hollow.
    ------------------------------
    Finally, they arrived at the weapon depot where locust came for ammo and new guns.
    The six entered as ammo and guns where scattered around the room. For Drones and a Grenadier watched the shop as they waxed and brought in new arrivals. Rouhk, Zunker, Reluk, Zumn, and Kendron all got ammo while Jarnix gave away his number one Hammer Burst and chose a number two Hammer Burst. He didn't had to purchase the merchandise since they knew the orders. Jarnix then wrote his name with his claw leaving it all messy writing 'JaRniX'. Jarnix then chose frag grenades, a boltok and a torque bow as they exit the shop and kept walking.
    --------------------------
    When they got to the Reaver pen, a Beast Rider awaited their arrival to take them for a tour. They walked to all sorts of pens showing crazy reavers, boring reavers, strong reavers, and even weak reavers. But only one got Jarnix's attention as a reaver stook out his octopus like claws out of the cell and reached for Jarnix. It started to make some whining noise as Jarnix grinned. The reaver was now poking him slightly in the arm as he let the reaver continue.

    "What about this one?" Jarnix asked.

    "That one has been here for a while. Still works though." The Rider said treating it like a piece of metal.

    "I'll take him." Jarnix added making locust noises to attract the reavers attention.

    The others already had reavers including Rouhk. His Reaver was extra sized to fit his weigh. Kendron had a Hydra to ride around instead of a reaver. For being a kantus monk, he was forced to have one. The Hydra was friendly to locusts but deadly to lambent. As Kendron and Rouhk called their rides with the locust noices to attract them, the Beast Rider let the Reaver out of the Pen who quickly stretched his arms and turned around ready to be ridden. Jarnix simply let out a chuckle helping Reluk up to Jarnix's reaver. Rouhk rode with Zumn while Kendron and Zunker tagged along together. We then took off and waited for missions.
    ------------------------------------------
    NAME PRONAUNCIATIONS!
    Jarnix (Jar-Nicks)
    Reluk (Rea-Luck)
    Zumn (Zum)
    Kendron (Ken-Dron)
    Rouhk (Ro-u-k)
    Zunker (Sunker)
    Last edited by Cog Edward; 04-16-2009 at 10:53 PM.
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  23. #23
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    Hey nice chapter Edward. I can see improvment from the others. (The way you describe stuff, and the overall writing is diffrent) And great touch there with the Locust drugs, haha, Zumn seems to have my attention the rookie.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

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    I liked it but once again felt as though you are trying to mirror human civilization in the locust. They're entirely different. Instead of drugs it could be some kind of leaf that is used to dull pain or something, original and would make sense. See?

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    Instead of drugs, it could be some acid imulsion, or something, anyways, nice chapter, although I didn't have a lot time to read it.
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    Agreed with Smurf, not to bad though, maybe a Micheal Jackson Locust? Please?

    And what's with you and Imulsion acid Dietrevers?
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Agreed with Smurf, not to bad though, maybe a Micheal Jackson Locust? Please?

    And what's with you and Imulsion acid Dietrevers?
    I don't know, I just wrote an example...
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    Quote Originally Posted by smurf plastic View Post
    I liked it but once again felt as though you are trying to mirror human civilization in the locust. They're entirely different. Instead of drugs it could be some kind of leaf that is used to dull pain or something, original and would make sense. See?
    It was "LOCUST" drugs so yeah it could be anything.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cog Edward View Post
    It was "LOCUST" drugs so yeah it could be anything.
    Oh I see, maybe a green tea leaf with some honey cone cereal?
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Quote Originally Posted by SKORGE View Post
    Oh I see, maybe a green tea leaf with some honey cone cereal?
    No that would be thir breakfast, the drug would be like a... waffle?
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    ATENCION EVERY BODY! I shall edit chapter two! The edeting part will start when Jarnix goes inside the training grounds! Thanks for your suport...

    ~Cog Edward
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    I just posted man. I sent you a link to read it also!
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    I read half of it and it seems like you took your time on it and described everything better. Much better than the first chapter.
    Tomorrow Sera will be mine.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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    Dancing on the ashes of the world, I behold the stars.
    Heavy gale is blowing to my face, rising up the dust.
    Barren lands are desperate to blossom, dark stars strive to shine.
    I still remember blue oceans, in this dying world.

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    The edit drastically increases the quality, very good. I liked how you went into such detail, it added depth.

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    Thanks guys! I hope I will continue on this level of writing. Or maybe even higher!
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    Agreed, I liked the discription you added. It sort of ploished the chapter out. (I need to work on that.) But your's was great! Also liked the discription of the Boomer Den and whatnot!
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cog Edward View Post
    Thanks guys! I hope I will continue on this level of writing. Or maybe even higher!
    Keep writing, we want to see more people making FF
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dietrevers View Post
    Keep writing, we want to see more people making FF
    Agreed! And then maybe you can teach me.
    I'll check in every now and again but for the most part, I won't be as active as I was previously. It really was the Gears + people that got me posting on here in the first place. Unless Epic release an awesome game or something. I'm leaving this message because I'm obviously a very, very important person.

    Hope to see a lot of you on the BT Forums! - 11/02/2014 (lol)

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    Can we still ask to be part of the story?
    My Sig! (Thanks to Ortana)
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    Problem is, Rifles in TPS are somewhat generic. Thats why the Gnasher has such a following, because the CQC and up-close fighting with lots of blood and gore made for intense action (which no other TPS supplies all that much) where as Rifles don't do that a whole lot. In terms of Rifles, GoWJ is the least exciting to be a Rifle-user on. People die in seconds and before you know it, you're moving onto the next person in line. Its too quick and you can't really take in all your work. Everything is too fast, nothing is satisfying.
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