Monthly Writing Assignment (August Edition)

[Croswynd]

Beware, these stories may contain spoilers on Gears fiction and game. Please DO NOT USE THIS THREAD AS A CONVERSATION THREAD, as this will be used for entries only. Conversation thread can be found here: http://forums.epicgames.com/threads/...ary-Edition%29

This is the Monthly Assignment, August Edition.

Writing is why most of you may have clicked on this thread. Boredom may be another factor, but the point remains. As of late, there has been a distinct lack of writing on this forum. Whether that be because people are bored with their stories, want a break from the forum, or just because they don't write in the first place, I have a solution.

The Monthly Writing Assignment.

Originally developed on another writing forum, I've noticed great success in its functions and capabilities. Writers from all over the forum all come to one thread, ready to duke it out to see who can craft the best story, judge the stories, or just to look for some feedback on their writing skill. That last part's the important bit for most of us, I'd bet.

Usually three judges are the norm for this assignment, but since we have a shortage of any regular attendees of the forum, I will take it upon myself to be the constant judge for these Assignments, until we find someone who would like to judge with me. If such a case arises, I may trade in for being an entrant. We'll see. However, should you wish to nominate yourself for judging, please say so. The more the merrier and I'm absolutely sure people want as many views on their work as possible.

Rule Time:

Now, each monthly assignment will be based around a single topic, such as vague topics like "Survival", or even specific ones such as "Stranded". As a rule, you must conform to the month's topic in order to have a valid entry. Being a judge, I will see how well you conformed to the topic and rate your score accordingly.

ANY WRITER IS FREE TO SUBMIT ONE ENTRY, BUT NO MORE THAN ONE. That said, I hope many of you decide to submit something. Writing is fun, trust me! And don't feel as though you're not good enough for this. Anyone can enter!

YOU CAN NO LONGER EDIT ONCE YOU HAVE SUBMITTED. MAKE SURE YOU FINISH ALL EDITING BEFORE POSTING. Anyone with an edit tag beneath their entry will be disqualified. This is to teach you to edit before posting anything, and if you have something wrong, you must live with it.

At the end of the month, the winner will be decided based on how good her/his score is and will be able to pick from a pool of suggestions the topic of the next month. The reward for winning is to pick the next topic! So try your best, guys! Also, thanks to a generous Flak and Epic Games, winners receive a signed Gears of War novel.

Now, for some guidelines, which have been changed. Be sure to read them.

- Must be prose. Recommended to be above 1000 words and below 10,000 words.
- Must be based around the month's topic.
- Must be in before the deadline, which is the end of the month. (August 31st, in this case)

Simple enough, eh? Just write, make it something good, since you're going to be spending a month on it. Make it the best thing you've ever written, even! Still, if you just want to shove something in at the last second, I'll still grade it to tell you how you did.

Speaking of grading, here's the template I'll use when judging your entries, which has been modified to make it easier on the judges:

Grading guidelines:

Spelling & Grammar - /2
Ease of Read - /2
Use of Topic - /1
Entertainment - /5
Originality - /5
Quality - /5

Total -- /20

Judges:
TheRealBigBoss
Sgt. Grub k1ller

So there you have it. If you have any questions at all about the assignment, please feel free to send me a private message or post in the Discussion thread. Again, please DO NOT USE THIS THREAD AS A CONVERSATION THREAD, as this will be used for entries only.

Got all that? Good, now let's get some entries on the following topic!

[War Crimes]

Definition: An action carried out during the conduct of a war that violates accepted international rules of war.

[Green-Fly]

As they approach the bridge to cross the river, a COG solider tells Marcus that there is no way that the convoy will ever make it across the deteriorated bridge. “Marcus, it is too risky to cross that bridge, we are going to have to find another route.” Alice looks at the bridge, closes her eyes and realizes that the only way to get to Diablo Crest is through the Crosswynd Barriers and that is a place where she really doesn’t want to go. “Alice, does this mean.. Tara questions. “Yes, Tara, god damn it.. Yes.” Alice shakes her head and starts walking towards the bike. Marcus looks at Alice and puts his head down in regret, but they both know this is the only way to go. This will add more days to their travel and more memories to endure; now they have to prepare themselves.
Just as the dawn hits the end of the earth, the fog starts to form a mist of memoires and destruction, the tracker in front of the convoy explodes. Everyone stops in their place and looks at the explosion. “Stay clear!” Marcus yells. The COGS scatter to a defensive position. Weapons are drawn and orders are conversed. Marcus tells the girls to take cover. Alice gets off the bike and walks toward the tracker. Baird is yelling at her. Alice continues to walk towards the explosion as the fire and smoke covers her existence. Marcus gathers the COGS for reinforcement and runs towards the explosion. Baird is yelling for Alice. They pass through the smoke and fire and there they see Alice standing in the middle of a mine field, holding the connectors.
“What the ****! Alice, get the hell away from there. What the **** are you doing, Jesus Christ!” Marcus yells. The COGs point their weapons straight aim to Alice. She can feel the heat from the laser burning into her forehead. Baird yells for the COGS to arm down. “Baird, detach the coils, while I hold the wires.” Alice says. “How did you know these were here, Alice? Baird questions as he walks closer to her. “I was the one that planted them. These are the only ones that I have placed among this path.” Alice said. “You have some explaining to do.” Baird states. Alice looks at Marcus as he turns away. “We will camp here tonight.” Marcus calmly states as he hand signs the COG to secure a mile radius. It takes about four hours into the night for Baird to disarm the bombs. As he cuts the last coil connectors, Alice drops the wires and starts to walk away.
“Hold on, do you want to explain to me what they hell just happen?” Baird demands and he pushes Alice to the ground. “You could of gotten all of us killed, why didn’t you tell us before hand? What the **** is wrong with you?” She takes a deep breath and kicks Baird in the knees and flips him over as she pushes her gun into his head. “If it wasn’t for you, none of this would of happen. It is all your fault Baird. Everything that had happen lead from what you started. I should of killed you when I first saw you. I should of killed my sister for saving your pathetic sorry ass”. She gets up and spits in his face. She walks over to the barrier edge leading down a seven mile drop. She closes her eyes, spreads her arms and remembers….
--------------------------------------
Alice covered in snow to hide herself from the now reformed Locust, looking over the bank. She sees her sister standing by who they call their Mistress. Her sister just a year older than her has taken the blood of the Locust and companionship of their Mistress. As soon as she gets an aim to shoot, she is pulled from the ground by a solider. She scrambles to get free. She knocks whomever it was down and runs down the bank. She is stopped by the Federation. “Really? What the **** are you people doing here?” Alice states. “I am Damon Baird, Lieutenant of this convoy. What is your position here?” Baird states. “You stupid idiot! Do you know where you are? You ****ed up everything!” Alice yells. “If you want to survive you better start running, they know I am here now, no thanks to you.” Alice said as she starts to run back for her bag. As soon as she picks up her bag she sees Baird walking towards her. She looks in horror as a Locust Drone strikes Baird. “God Damn it!’ Alice says. Another Locust Drone knocks Alice down; she turns over to face what would be her killer. The Drone takes his sword and places the tip to her neck, as the other Drone grunts. She looks at this thing, blinking her eyes, as she squints to focus more on his face and she remembers, she remembers that sword, that armor. It is the same one she saw staring down at her from the hillside when her town was destroyed. This is the same one that committed the genocide on her family, on her town. The Drone takes the tip of the sword that is pushing against her neck and makes an incision, as if he is marking her. He bends down and sniffs around her neck as she turns her head in disgust. The Drone sucks up the blood dripping down her neck. As he bends up, he grabs her arms and pulls her up looking straight in her eyes and licks the blood, her blood from his lips, as the other Drone grunts louder he looks towards him. He looks at Alice, drops her in disappointment and walks away. The Drone drags Baird off; Alice gets up and runs across the barrier down to the bank. As bombs are deployed, you can hear the sound from the bombs penetrate the air, the team under Baird’s command is wiped out completely. As the bombs hit the ground, the explosion is spreading gas and shrapnel within a three hundred foot radius. There are no survivors. There was no chance of retaliation, no chance for savior.
The Drone drags Baird across the Crosswynd Barrier by one arm, scraping his body amongst the mud and filth that layer the ground below the barrier. Baird still unconscious from the blow now faces the most horrible interrogation of his life.
“Bring him closer.” The Mistress request. Seeing that he is still unconscious she yells “Wake him up!” The drone slaps Baird across the face. “Awake you fifthly pathetic human.” The Drone demanded. As the Mistress lifts herself from her chair, she walks over to Baird, slumped over as the Drone lets loose of his arm, she gently puts her hand upon his face, walking around him as she continues to swipe her hand across his emotionless face. “Come to me my acclaimed daughter. This is now your future. This is your enemy. You will learn to destroy, you will learn conquer. Take a good look at him, his kind is the wrenched smelt that fills this world. You will control all of them; you will live to control everything.”
Baird looks up, half dazed. “My men, Where are my men?” he whispers. The acclaimed daughter walks over to him, kneels before him, and clutches his face with both hands. As she looks eye to eye into Baird, she tilts her head to the right and whispers in his ear. “They are dead”. She pulls her head back to face him eye to eye, she smiles.

Part 6
Sisters to the end…
Alice Mary Herden

[TAO Devil]

As the sun rose over the horizon, a lone man walked the back alleys of Jacinto. With a purposeful stride he quickly walked to a seemingly normal diner. Pushing the door open, he caused the bell to ring, as it did each morning. With barely a nod at the cashier, the man grabbed a cupful of coffee waiting for him on the counter, grimacing as the bitter liquid touched his tongue. He had never liked coffee, but the job demanded the alertness.

Passing through the kitchen, the staff averted their eyes. As an everyday occurrence, the man did not even slow his pace. Opening the freezer door, he walked inside and let it close behind him. He relished his short time in the cold. Soon it would be too warm for his liking. Pushing aside the back shelf, the man located a keypad on the wall. Punching in his memorized code, the wall split open to reveal a very dark corridor. Twists and turns led past many doors. All of them were familiar, all of them from his past. The door he wanted was very specific. While being at the end of the corridor would have seemed more intimidating, the door was barely halfway down the hall. Made of thick wood and wrought iron strapping, it was incredibly dense and very heavy.

As he opened the door and walked inside, the rusty hinges let out an echoing screech. It made him cringe every day. Over and over again that screech set his teeth on edge. However, it filled the people who would be marched through the door, with much dread. Dimly lit, the room offered no solace, no comfort. Dragging his hands through his blonde hair, he prepared himself for the task. Mentally this would be a challenging day. He ran his hands over the tools he would be putting to use. Very soon in fact, as he heard the shuffling sounds.

A man, his face covered by a hood, was escorted in by two heavily armed Gears. They tossed his limp body into a metal chair, located in the center of the room. Chains attached to the floor were locked firmly around the man’s wrists and ankles. Another chain was wrapped around his torso, pinning him to the seat. With little room to even breathe, the man betrayed no hint of his discomfort. This would be a strong one.

The Gears left the room and slowly closed the door behind them. Settling himself on a chair, the blonde haired man removed the other’s hood. His face was sweaty and his black hair was matted to his head. Understandable as the hood offers little air. His eyes darting around the room, he seemed to take in everything with the same look in his eyes as one might expect from a caged lion, desperate to be released so he could tear people apart.

“What’s your name?” The blonde man spoke in a casual tone.

The black haired man was silent. He started to fidget a little more, causing the chains to bite into his skin.

“Come now, there’s no reason we can’t be civil. I’ll go first. My name is Jason.”

Licking his lips the man stuttered out an answer. “Michael. My name is Michael.”

“See that’s better, isn’t it Michael?” Jason turned his back to the prisoner and fiddled with some equipment.

“Wha… what is this place?”

“Oh don’t you worry about that Michael. We are merely here to talk.”

“What kind of ‘talk’?”

“Oh, we just need to get some information. No cause for alarm.” Jason pulled something from the bag on his right hand side.

“Kind of contradictory, don’t you think? I’m sitting here in chains. I have no idea where I am, and you aren’t telling me anything.” Michael shifted more causing the chains to rub painfully along his wrists. A hair caught in the chains and was promptly torn out. Michael jumped in the seat, but this served only to cause it to happen again.

“Oh the chains are for your protection Michael. We don’t want you hurting yourself.”

“Protection? Protection from what?”

“From this.” Jason turned around and raised a syringe.

Michael immediately started straining against the chains, but they held fast. Twisting as much as he could, he looked for a way to get out. There was no way out. Reaching across to his neck, Jason jabbed the needle in, emptying the syringe into the pulsing veins.

“What did you just do to me?” Michael screamed.

“Relax Michael. It’s merely a low dose of sodium pentothal.”

“Sodium pen… You injected me with Truth Serum? Are you out of your mind!?”

“I’m afraid not Michael. Believe me, this would be far easier if I was. Now, as I said, we are merely looking for information.”

“I don’t know anything! I’m just a simple shopkeeper!”

Jason sighed and started skimming his tools. Pulling a few out, he laid them on a tray. Michael strained to see what they were, but was only able to catch a glint of steel. He swallowed hard. He had a feeling he knew what was about to happen in this room. Taking another look around the room with new eyes, he saw things and wished he could take back his decision.

A drain in the room, right under the chair in fact, had the stains of blood, and clumps of hair trapped. Walls had been scrubbed, but they could not cover up the splashes of red over the gray steel. Ropes hung from corners of the ceiling, frayed from usage. He could only guess at what horrors were behind him.

Jason stopped his fiddling. “Michael, we need to know what you know. And what you know is something very important to us. Information that is necessary to the COG’s survival.”

“I swear I don’t know anything! Please, let me go! I have a family!”

“Oh yes your family. Mary, your wife. Your two children, Robert and Tina. Even your dog, Clancy. I believe these are them, correct?” Jason flashed a set of photos at Michael.

Immediately Michael turned white as a sheet. “What have you done to them? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FAMILY!?”

“Michael, you can rest assured, we have done nothing to your family. I was merely making conversation.” Scooping up the photos, Jason returned them to his pocket. They may be useful later on. “Michael, we know you have been passing sensitive information out of Tyrus. We merely want to know how.”

“I don’t know anything about ‘sensitive information’. I run an antique shop. That’s all I do. 7-6 everyday. Check with my employee.”

“Oh we have. He won’t be coming in this afternoon, by the way.”

Michael glanced at the blood soaked walls. He was now more scared than ever. He started saying a prayer to the All Fathers, asking them to somehow free him and protect him from this madman.

“I can’t tell you what I don’t know.”

Jason sighed once again. “Michael, Michael, Michael. This will go so much easier if you just tell me the truth. We know what you passed. We know it was you who got the information. We just want to know who gave you the documents, and how you smuggled them out.”

Michael turned his head away from Jason. “I’m not going to say another word until I get a lawyer.”

“A lawyer? Look around Michael. Does this look like a police station? Or a courtroom? There are no laws here. There is only me and you. I’m afraid this may have to proceed to the next step. I was really hoping it wouldn’t go this far.”

Jason stood up and walked around the tray. Picking up a scalpel, he returned to his chair. Michael’s eyes grew wide. His mind stopped working. He had no pleas, he could not even beg.

“Do you know where some of the worst pain imaginable is Michael? It’s right below our skin. Sure, a blow to the gut will hurt, or even blunt force to your testicles. Both of these cause pain. But that is merely interior pain. It fades rather quickly. No, the most difficult pain to overcome is in our nerves. Only a thin layer of skin covers these sensitive endings.” Jason grasped Michael’s hand and pulled it closer to him. He spread the fingers apart. “Merely a separation of the skin can cause an intense sensation.” Jason sliced apart the web connecting the thumb and index finger.

Michael gasped at the sharp pain. He tried to yank his hand back, but Jason had a firm grip. The pain seemed endless. It did not fade like he expected it to. Blood poured onto his open palm, dripping to the floor. Jason slowly dragged the scalpel up the arm, until he came to rest on the shoulder.

“Nerves are a most curious thing. They give us so many experiences from the world around us. Heat, cold, pleasure, pain.” Jason cut a gash into Michael’s shoulder causing him to cry out.

“Whenever you reach a decision on where your loyalties lie Michael, just say stop, and it will all be over.”

“I don’t know anything! I don’t know anything!” Michael’s screams echoed off the walls.

Jason reached to the tray and extracted a small hammer. It was triangle shaped, like a doctor would use to test reflexes. Except this one was made of metal. Its purpose was still for testing, but this testing, involved pain.

He slammed the hammer into Michael’s patella, fracturing the bone. Michael threw his head back, letting out an unearthly howl. Leaning over him, Jason asked him again, to reveal the information. “It will all stop,” he said.

Michael glared at him, his eyes filled with tears. Once more, Jason sighed. “Very well.”

He raised the hammer again and this time, fractured the elbow. Michael’s vision swooned from the pain. He wished they would just kill him and let him rest in peace. He knew that wasn’t going to happen. He braced himself for the next swing. It never came.

Opening his eyes, Michael came face to face with a serrated knife. Jason quickly cut off Michael’s earlobe. The Gears outside the door cringed at the screaming. They were used to it, but that didn’t stop them from picturing the worst. No one ever watched the work being done.

The minutes passed as Michael drifted in and out of consciousness. Jason decided to make the decision for him. A swift punch to the jaw and Michael was out.

A splash of water brought him back. His ear had been bandaged.

“How long was I out?” he stammered.

“A few minutes. I needed to bandage your ear before you lost too much blood. Now, shall we continue, or have you decided to give us the information we want?”

Michael composed himself. “I have nothing to say.”

Jason threw a punch, connecting with Michael’s face. His nose broken, blood spurted all over his front. It streamed down his face, dripping down the back of his throat. Bile welled up, and he added vomit to the front of his clothes as well.

“Who is your contact!?” Punch. “Who did you pass the information too!?” Punch. “Give me the info and this will all end!”

While he seemed out of control, inside Jason was steady as a rock. Yelling was merely another form of intimidation. He would get the information eventually. He always did. That’s why they came to him. That’s why he was paid so well. In 17 years, he had not failed once. He would not today. Placing a gag in Michael’s mouth, Jason grabbed a cigar cutter and ripped off his shoe. He placed it around the second toe and looked Michael in the eye. The pleading look in his face told Jason everything. He cut it off.

The muffled sound was still loud enough to echo across the room. Jason grabbed the second foot. He put the cigar cutter away and picked up the scalpel again. He reached to the back of the ankle, and sliced the Achilles tendon, clean through. The foot flopped lifelessly in his hands. Michael once again was close to unconsciousness.

Jason grabbed another syringe and injected it into Michael’s neck. It brought him back to full alertness. He would find no escape in his dreams.

“That was a stimulant. It will keep you from going unconscious. We have a lot of time ahead of us, Michael. Much...time…”

Over the next 3 hours, Michael’s teeth were broken, his eyes blackened. Cuts ran up and down his arms and legs. He was missing two fingers on his left hand and his right hand had been broken in multiple places. Currently, Jason was driving steel spikes through Michael’s foot.

“I don’t enjoy my job Michael. I’m just good at it. I’ve been doing this for the better part of two decades. This only ends in one way. You give me the information. I can keep you alive for months, letting you heal, and then repeating everything you’ve gone through today. Slowly taking you apart piece by piece. Your family won’t even recognize you when you get home.”

Michael stopped at the thought of his wife and children. They were his life. If he lost them, it would be worse than death. He put his head to his chest. “I’ll talk,” he mumbled.

“What was that Michael?”

“I said I’ll talk. I’ll tell you everything. Just let me go home to my family.”

“Of course Michael. All we want is the information. We don’t want to break up your family.”

Michael swallowed hard. “You have to offer us protection. The people who made me a runner are very powerful. We’ll be killed if they find out.”

Jason chose his next words carefully. “I see. Someone fairly high up I assume. Would this person have a name?”

“Promise my family protection! Then I’ll talk.”

Jason nodded.

Michael drew a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “It was Chief Justice Narroot. He gave me the documents. I sealed them inside the antiques, usually in a vase or statue. I delivered it each time to a crate outside the docks. The crate was always different, but the location was the same. Next to the boathouse on the far left hand side.”

“Narroot you say? Interesting. He is privy to a large amount of classified data. Thank you Michael. And you say you never saw your handoff?”

“No. It was always just to drop it off and leave.”

“This was very helpful Michael.”

“Now can I go back to my family?”

“Of course.” Jason pulled his sidearm, placed it to the back of Michael’s head and fired.

Jason walked out of the room. “We’re done here,” he said to the two Gears.

As they went in to grab the body, Jason made his way out of the hall, up the stone steps and back out of the diner. He threaded his way through the winding alley and set off for home.

General Keims watched the surveillance feed of Jason’s house as he entered. He was smiling as his children ran to greet him at the door. Picking them up and laughing he commented on how big they are getting. His wife kissed him on the cheek and they went to the dining room.

“It seems the Lieutenant has successfully broken another spy, hmm General?” his aide asked.

“Yes. He’s become very proficient over the years.” Keims sipped his coffee. He had multiple repots to file with the Chairman about the Chief Justice.

“Does it ever bother you, sir, asking him to do this job?”

“No. I do have to wonder, though, is he still sane after all these years.”

“Sir?”

“Look at him. He spends his days torturing people. Every damn day. And then at the end, he kills them. Plain and simple. Then he goes home, to a family who has no idea what he does, and is the perfect father, husband, friend. If a man can separate himself that completely from the horrors he commits every day, what else is he capable off?”

[N1ssassa]

Two armor-clad figures made their way through the sleet and snow, the path of footprints behind them almost completely obscured by the falling white flakes. They'd been trudging along for hours, separated from their battalion in the midst of a heavy firefight with a UIR force. Their armor provided little protection from the wind and cold, while the visors of their helmets blurred their vision from the ice on the glass. They could make out a small shack up ahead, and one put his hand on the other's shoulder, signaling to come closer so they could form a plan.

"Alright, you go around back and scout for any exits, I'll take up a position to the right of the door. Come around the far side, and we'll shout for them to open up."

"You think they'll hear us over this wind?"

"It's not that loud, and if they don't, I'll fire a shot in the air. Ready Ben?"

"Ready."

They both made their way to the planned destinations. Andy went around the back side of the shack, squatting to avoid being seen through the window. He saw no back door, or any other exit at the back of the house. The window was far too small for any adult to squeeze through, so he didn't bother covering it. Lancer at the ready and back to the wall, he moved along the exterior of the building, continuing around the other side as instructed. He poked his head around the corner to see his partner hunkered down in the snow, 10 feet away from the structure and to the left of the door.

"COG patrol, open up!" Ben shouted in the most forceful tone he could muster. He heard a clattering inside the building, and raised his rifle to his shoulder, prepared to eliminate any threat that might burst through the door. He heard footsteps walking toward the door across the wooden floor of the shack, then heard the clink of metal against metal as the latch was undone. A man's head appeared through the crack in the door, wreathed in a yellow glow from the light inside.

"Yes?" the man asked in an inquisitive tone. Ben's partner approached the door, rifle lowered but at the ready.

"We're stranded troops, we were separated from our battalion and we require shelter, and transportation when this blizzard lets up."

"Come in, come in. We don't have much here, but my wife just made dinner and you're welcome to join us."

The two men lowered their weapons and removed their icy helmets, looks of relief passing over both of their faces. They propped their lancers on the wall by the door, and approached the table inside, their eyes glinting with pleasure at the sight of the hot stew on the table.

"Make yourselves at home, I'll be right back." the man said, disappearing through a door to a back room. He returned with a woman and two small children, one in her arms and the other following, his small hand grasping the curtails of her dress. "I told them to go to the back room until I could make sure it was safe. We don't get visitors out this far very often and we always have to be careful."

"Of course." Ben said as he pulled a chair from the table and seated himself. "Can't be too careful this close to the border. Those UIR troops are soulless bastards."

"So where was the battle?" the man asked as he sat down at the head of the table, his wife seating the younger child, a little girl, in a high chair before fetching two extra bowls and sets of silverware from the cupboard.

"Around 20 miles south of here, near the town of Gulmera." the partner responded between mouthfuls of stew.

"What can I call you fellas?" the man inquired.

"I'm Mason, and this is my squadmate Ben. We're from the Fifth Tyran Royal Infantry. We've been doing patrols in this sector for a while now, but this was our first skirmish with the enemy. We came under heavy fire from the mountains and most of our force was killed. We're not sure if there were any survivors, we just scattered."

"They're some cut-throat sons of *****es, it's right cowardly of them to set an ambush like that."

"Jim, watch your language in front of the children..." the wife said, speaking for the first time.

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence, the two soldiers too busy spooning the delicious warm broth into their mouths to speak any further.



The soldiers stood outside the small wooden house, enjoying a smoke. The snow had let up, and they were alone under the dark night sky.

"Did you see his wife? She looked pretty tasty."

"Come on man, don't get started again."

"What? I haven't had any since we shipped out 8 months ago, I'm starting to wonder if my dick even works anymore."

"Well we're not finding out here."

"Maybe I want to."

"What the hell, Mason? Are you listening to yourself? Besides, I think her husband might object."

"Well, I've got a fully automatic rifle that says **** his objections."

"You have completely lost your mind."

"Look man, we're out in the middle of nowhere, and no one's going to miss them. He said himself, they don't get many visitors. We'll be long gone before anyone ever comes this way, if they ever do at all."

"You're talking about murdering an entire family just to satisfy your urge for some *****. I'm not going along with this. It's insane."

"You don't have to go along with it, but you better stay the hell out of my way." With that, Mason threw his cigarette down into the snow and turned to make his way to the door. The only sounds that could be heard were the crunch of his boots in the snow, and the soft hiss of the cigarette as it was extinguished by the soft white powder. Ben stood shocked, unable to move, wondering to himself if this was really happening or if his partner was only kidding around. He heard the door open behind him as his friend entered the shack, then heard the clink of metal against metal again as he heard the door latch lock. He heard a burst of fire from a lancer come from inside the shack, and the high pitched scream of the woman. Jolted from his temporary state of shock, he sprinted to the door. Pounding on the hard wood, he could hear the woman scream over and over again, and the children crying in the background.

"Mason! Mason you son of a *****! Don't do it! Open the door! Mason!" He was answered only with more screams, muffled now. He ran around the back of the house, suddenly remembering the small window. He looked into it to see Mason ripping the woman's clothes off, her mouth bleeding and face swelling, desperately fighting to keep her assailant at bay. "Mason, stop this bull**** now! You're going to be courtmartialed for this! They're going to put you in front of a firing squad! Stop while you've still got the chance, you ****ing maniac!" The man ignored his pleas, continuing to beat and strip the woman until she was unconscious. Ben ran back around to the door, pounding and pounding, trying with all his might to break it down, to stop the brutal act transpiring inside. He could still hear the two children screaming and crying, the little boy calling out for his mother between sobs. He realized his efforts were futile; the door was far too sturdy to be broken down. He sat down on the stairs, elbows on his knees and head resting in his hands, wishing there was something he could do to end this.

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of a Lancer firing three more times, and the children's screams and cries abruptly stopped. Oh no. By the Allfathers, please no. He pleaded silently. He heard a movement just inside the door, and the sound of a lancer being reloaded. He heard the sound of the latch, that terrible sound, and the door opened to reveal his fellow Gear, lancer resting on his shoulder, as he walked down the small set of stairs and out into the snow, an evil smirk on his face and the glint of a madman in his eye.

"What have you done?" Ben yelled at him, though he already knew the answer. He sprinted up the steps, and was greeted by the body of the man, Jim, lying in a pool of blood on the wood floor, shot several timesclear through his chest at point blank range. He stepped past the corpse, slowly advancing toward the back room where this man had hidden his family, lest there be some villain at his door. He stood in the doorway, unable to look away from the horrifying scene before him. The woman's lifeless, naked corpse rested on the bed where Mason had brutalized and raped her moments earlier, a gash from a Lancer bayonet across her throat, and a gaping hole in her torso where she'd been stabbed for good measure. The children were in a corner huddled together, the boy with a bullet hole in his forehead, and the girl's tiny body almost torn apart by the two bullets that had ripped through her stomach. He leaned over, hands on his knees, and vomited where he stood. The grisly scene was enough to churn even the most battle-hardened veteran's stomach. He stood there still for a moment, staring down into the pool of stew he had eaten earlier that night, trying to compose himself. He closed his eyes for a moment, wishing this was simply some nightmare from which he could awake, but knowing this was far too terrible for his imagination to haunt him with, even in the deepest of slumbers. he stood up, turned toward the front door of the house, and saw his lancer there, still leaning against the wall where he'd left it. He picked up the gun and held it at the ready, walking outside and aiming at Mason.

"You're a monster." Ben growled at him. "You'll pay for what you've done." He pulled the trigger of the lancer, but heard only clicks as the empty weapon attempted to fire shells that weren't there. Mason looked him in the eyes, emotionless and cold, as he opened his hand and let the bullets from Ben's gun fall to the ground, concealing themselves in little bullet-shaped holes in the snow.

"Burn in hell, you bastard." Ben hissed at him as Mason chambered a round in his lancer, took aim, and pulled the trigger, firing 3 rounds into his squad mate's face. Mason reached into his pocket, and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, placing one in his mouth and lighting it. He took a long, deep, breath, inhaling the thick smoke. He walked toward the dwelling, spitting on Ben's corpse as he passed his lifeless form lying in the now red snow, and held his lighter to the wooden door frame of the house until the flame caught. He turned sharply, cigarette in mouth and lancer on his shoulder, and trudged off into the night, a long shadow cast before him by the light of the flames engulfing the scene of his horrific crime.

[TheRealBigBoss]

And it's judgment day!

(Note - Scores posted are not indicative of final winner, since other judges have yet to score entries)




Green-Fly


Spelling & Grammar - 1/2

Spelling is pretty good, grammar is solid enough, but the staccato nature of some of the sentence structure can't be ignored.

Ease of Read - 1/2

The layout of the text isn't ideal, but the biggest problem comes in the form of "setting the scene". I just found it difficult at times to tell exactly what was going on?

Use of Topic - 0/1

Uhh, I didn't see much use of the war crimes topic here.

Entertainment - 2/5

It didn't feel like a self contained story with a beginning, middle and end. It felt more like a random excerpt from something else. It was also quite difficult to follow the story at times.

Originality - 3/5

Personalizing the Locust was a nice touch.

Quality - 3/5

There was a lack of description and scene setting which hurt it overall. The characters weren't terribly well realized and the story structure didn't have the expected beginning, middle and end you expect from a narrative. That said, the basics are there, they just need to be fleshed out more.

Total -- 10/20



TAO Devil


Spelling & Grammar - 2/2

Nothing I can complain about too much to deduct points.

Ease of Read - 2/2

I didn't have any difficulty in understanding what was happening, and the prose was engaging enough to entertain, yet direct enough to keep the momentum going.

Use of Topic - 1/1

Torture is a war crime, and was used well in the story.

Entertainment - 4/5

Decent scene setting and characterization. An engaging opening and pretty satisfying ending.

Originality - 3/5

I wouldn't call the idea wholly original as it feels very familiar, it's the evil family man trope. Maybe original in the Gears sense? If that even counts?

Quality - 4/5

Well executed on all fronts.

Total -- 16/20



N1ssassa


Spelling & Grammar - 2/2

Again, nothing I can deduct points for.

Ease of Read - 2/2

I didn't have any difficulty in following the story, so again, nothing I can deduct points for.

Use of Topic - 1/1

Yes. The topic was used.

Entertainment - 3/5

It was nicely done, but... it didn't wholly convince at times. I feel like some earlier minor hint at Mason's psychosis would have worked well, it all just seemed to come from nothing otherwise. Now you might say, "Well, umm... that's kind of that point?" But here's the thing. In world building, you need to have something called consistent logic, and sometimes that requires you to plant seeds to indicate certain characteristics. If that doesn't happen, it just becomes a case of "anything goes", a crazy free for all where anything is possible. Probably not explaining it in the best way, but at least if you take something from this then it's a worthwhile piece of advice. And I don't mean signposting, more subtle hints that might well prove insignificant until later actions highlight them in a significant way.

Originality - 3/5

I can't say it's the most original premise, as this kind of thing has been well documented throughout the entire history of war.

Quality - 4/5

Yeah, it was nicely written.

Total -- 15/20


Good job by all. I'm not really a fan of judging others, I had fun reading, but not so much fun scoring.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Green-Fly

Ease of Read - 1/5

Use of Topic - 1/5

Entertainment - 0/5

Originality - 3/5

Quality - 1/5



Total -- 7/30

through the Crosswynd Barriers

-10 points.....

Kidding.

Ok, to be entirely frank, I had no idea what was going on. The first thing that comes to mind is your format, or lack thereof. When writing fanfiction, or anything for that matter, general grammar format needs to be applied. Such as starting a new paragraph whenever someone new is speaking. You didn't do that. Your scenes were also set up very badly.

I don't mean this to sound the way it probably will, but take a look at a story book. Does it start with random people telling other random people something, and expect you to go with it? Who is Alice? Who is Marcus? Why are they together? Is Alice a Gear? What are they trying to do? The heck does she mean by her sister? All these are questions you raise and fail to answer.

Spelling was fine, but your grammar was, since I'm restricted on using colorful terms, bad. Verily so. The terrible formatting made the Ease of Read suffer as well. Just passed the midpoint, I just reverted to skimming, and honestly, I didn't miss anything looking back. It's the writer's job to tell a story first. We, the readers, don't know what's going on in your head, so it's YOUR job to paint the scene and MAKE us know.

Entertainment was non existent, I'm sorry to say. I gave you points for originality because I've never seen anything like this, as good or bad as that is. Quality was, well, very low. However, I think you can improve. Your vocabulary isn't that of a 4th grader, so that's a start. Keep practicing if you truly like writing. Take other fics on the site as example and look at how they set everything up. Sorry if I sounded harsh and like a dick in this, but tough love usually irons out kinks.

Spelling & Grammar - 1/5


TAO

Spelling & Grammar - 3/5

Ease of Read - 4/5

Use of Topic - 5/5

Entertainment - 3/5

Originality - 3/5

Quality - 4/5



Total -- 22/30

Now that was certainly interesting. And, um, dark as all hell.

Spelling was good, but you lost points for grammar. Not all of your sentences were put together well, and many a times they were very mechanical. "Michael did this. Jason said this. Michael did this very hard....." You get my drift. Adding more variety in your sentences, and stringing them together better takes the piece a long way. Also, you switched tenses. A lot. When starting out, you should set and lock down a style(first person/third person) and tense(past/present) and use them throughout. You switched between past and present tense multiple times.

Ease of read I have you just shy of full points. I could easily follow what was going on, and you never randomly threw anything in there, save for the General at the end, but that wasn't bad.

The only places I'd say your piece lacked are Originality and Entertainment. Yes, you have a man mercilessly cutting up another man. However, the "Agent who commits atrocities by day, and is family man by night" is a cliche plot device that I know I've seen multiple times. And the prisoner ended up telling him. Were I you, I would have had him entirely innocent, but killed anyway whilst the government covers up their mistake. That's more original and unpredictable.

The mechanical writing and cliche plot lowered my entertainment. You have this guy being mutilated in an attempt of what I can only assume is shock horror, but when you colorlessly say "He cut his ear lobe off", the magic is lost. Instead of focusing on as much gore as possible, make each instance as gruesome as it would be in real life.

"An inferno of pain roared through Michael's existence as his ear was mercilessly sawed into. Each tip of the serrated blade tore deeper and deeper into his flesh, nerves intensely exploded for a brief second before being severed from the rest of the torture victim's head. Blood squirted and splashed onto Jason's face which stood ever stoic and emotionless as his body committed crimes against nature."

See how much more impactful that is? Quality over Quantity. You can read off how many limbs he's lost, but only the ones detailed really sink in.

Your piece wasn't bad by any means, but it sure could use some work. Keep at it, because you've definitely got talent. Just keep practicing I've no doubt your abilities will prosper.




N1ssassa

Spelling & Grammar - 2/5

Ease of Read - 4/5

Use of Topic - 5/5

Entertainment - 3/5

Originality - 3/5

Quality - 3/5



Total -- 20/30

Looking back, I probably should have expected a lot of dark stories. Lol. This was no exception.

Like TAO, this wasn't bad. But, also like TAO, it lacked a spark that made reading it enjoyable. Throughout your writing was mechanical and dry, lacking emotion it really needed. Harkening back to what I said to TAO, you can't just talk about gruesome things, you have to make the reader truly feel what you want them too. Just saying those kids were shot, and briefly describing the wounds doesn't do that. Describing Ben's horror and reaction to it, however, would go a great deal toward making the reader feel the way you want them too. Anyone can write gore. It's not hard, especially when you play Gears. But real gore, not the fake "That Drone Exploded, haha" gore form the game, but real bloody, foul smelling, strewn body parts gore that happens for REAL is the kind that inspires fear. If you can capture that fear, not just throw gore around for the sake of it, because then it loses its power, but truly capture that fear and use it to your advantage, then you've got yourself good writing.

Sorry for the rant, but it's something I noticed in both yours and TAO's pieces.

Anyway, your spelling and grammar was lacking. I suggest multiple spell checks, and perhaps a prereader who knows at least high school English. Seriously, editing makes a noticable difference.

This was easy to read, but not fun to. Colorless writing isn't exactly a good thing. Spice it up with more varied language, I'd say.

You get full points for Use of Topic. Rape and murder of multiple people definitely count as War Crimes. However, future tip, try not to do what you did with that last line. "...flames engulfing the scene of his horrific crime". Saying he committed a Horrific Crime is almost like a character in a movie repeating the title of said movie. It's overly noticeable, and in bad taste, in my opinion.

Originality. Wasn't 100% original, but you built your own setting and background, which I do give you points for.

I didn't enjoy this all too much, but your story isn't what impeded it. Your grammar and bland descriptions hurt it for me. Were that not so, I'd say you've got the most interesting story here. If you had expanded on the original idea, and fleshed out what you had with some actual emotion, this would be one hell of a piece.

The Quality isn't bad. It also isn't good, though. It's in that middle ground that I don't want to fail, but don't want to congratulate you either. You've participated in many of these assignments, I understand it? I say keep at it, and keep improving. Take what Cros, Boss, and I say to heart and work on improving your writing, because you definitely have potential, I won't lie.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

As per N1's request, I'll go in depth on why I gave him a 2 for Grammar.

I consider Sentence structure apart of Grammar. Sentences are the cells that make up the organism that is your writing. Badly put together sentences make for a badly put together piece. I'll point out poorly laid out sentences below, along with any general parts that require editing.

These two sentences are not put together well. The wording if off and awkward.

Their armor provided little protection from the wind and cold, while the visors of their helmets blurred their vision from the ice on the glass. They could make out a small shack up ahead, and one put his hand on the other's shoulder, signaling to come closer so they could form a plan.

Comma should be a period and a new sentence should start. Comma shouldn't exist.

"Alright, you go around back and scout for any exits, I'll take up a position to the right of the door. Come around the far side, and we'll shout for them to open up."

It is also worth noting that it is in bad form to have long threads of dialog without any sort of indication of whom is speaking. You have two Gears, yes, but there's no description of them, who they are, what they look like, and who is saying what. In book, yes you might see threads of unspecified dialog like you started with, but said books usually tell you who is doing the talking. If they don't, it's usually made obvious by the dialog itself, as in one character is a gangster, the other a businessman. They'd obviously have very different ways of speaking, thus it's obvious who is saying what. Not here. Here I just see two random Gears talking.

Here you made a mess up as well. You say they "Made their way to their destinations," but then go on describing them doing that. It'd been best to not include that first sentence, then describe them getting to the building and executing the plan.

They both made their way to the planned destinations. Andy went around the back side of the shack, squatting to avoid being seen through the window. He saw no back door, or any other exit at the back of the house. The window was far too small for any adult to squeeze through, so he didn't bother covering it. Lancer at the ready and back to the wall, he moved along the exterior of the building, continuing around the other side as instructed. He poked his head around the corner to see his partner hunkered down in the snow, 10 feet away from the structure and to the left of the door.

This is the equivalent of saying -Richard felt terribly about what he'd done. He apologized to Gary. "I'm sorry Gary," Richard said.-

There's this term I use a lot called "Redundancy". This part is very redundant, meaning it's not pleasing to read the same thing/word/sentence over and over.

And is the wrong conjunction to use here. He hears something inside. As a result, he's lifting his weapon. Using And states that he's doing both at the same time. I would change it to "He heard a clattering from inside the building, prompting him to raise his rifle and prepare to eliminate any threats that might bust through."

There's also no description of the man. In fact, there never is. He and his family play a rather important part in this, yet you never bother to give a description of any of them. They are just things in this that the reader's meant to give sympathy for. Can't really have sympathy for something you don't know.

"COG patrol, open up!" Ben shouted in the most forceful tone he could muster. He heard a clattering inside the building, and raised his rifle to his shoulder, prepared to eliminate any threat that might burst through the door. He heard footsteps walking toward the door across the wooden floor of the shack, then heard the clink of metal against metal as the latch was undone. A man's head appeared through the crack in the door, wreathed in a yellow glow from the light inside.

"Lowered but at the ready" is a contradiction.

"Yes?" the man asked in an inquisitive tone. Ben's partner approached the door, rifle lowered but at the ready.

First half of the sentence is redundant. "We're troops separated from our battalion and require shelter and transportation when this blizzard lets up." Reads better that way.

"We're stranded troops, we were separated from our battalion and we require shelter, and transportation when this blizzard lets up."

After any dialog, and there's something behind it, it needs to end in a comma. "I'll be right back," the man said. This may be a typo, but I still gotta point it out.

"Make yourselves at home, I'll be right back." the man said, disappearing through a door to a back room. He returned with a woman and two small children, one in her arms and the other following, his small hand grasping the curtails of her dress. "I told them to go to the back room until I could make sure it was safe. We don't get visitors out this far very often and we always have to be careful."

Same problem as above

"Around 20 miles south of here, near the town of Gulmera." the partner responded between mouthfuls of stew.

It's actually the Royal Tyran Infantry, hence Marcus' "25th RTI" bit.

We're from the Fifth Tyran Royal Infantry.

It's usually the norm here to self-censor your curses to make them readable. Ex. B*tches, Sh*t, F*ck, etc. Makes it so the reader doesn't have to guess what you're trying to say.

"They're some cut-throat sons of *****es, it's right cowardly of them to set an ambush like that."

I see that you've made a page break here, but it's easier for the reader to know there's a gap by actually breaking the page. I usually use a ***** in between the two separate areas, not just a few extra Enters.

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence, the two soldiers too busy spooning the delicious warm broth into their mouths to speak any further.

The soldiers stood outside the small wooden house, enjoying a smoke. The snow had let up, and they were alone under the dark night sky.

Same problem here that I started out with. You have this long thread of dialog, but there's no indication on WHO is saying what. These threads are fine to use, but you HAVE GOT to make it clear who is saying what.

"Did you see his wife? She looked pretty tasty."

"Come on man, don't get started again."



"What? I haven't had any since we shipped out 8 months ago, I'm starting to wonder if my dick even works anymore."

"Well we're not finding out here."

"Maybe I want to."



"What the hell, Mason? Are you listening to yourself? Besides, I think her husband might object."

"Well, I've got a fully automatic rifle that says **** his objections."

"You have completely lost your mind."

THAT'S FIVE MOTHER F*CKERS!!!!!!! (redundancy, again)

"You don't have to go along with it, but you better stay the hell out of my way." With that, Mason threw his cigarette down into the snow and turned to make his way to the door. The only sounds that could be heard were the crunch of his boots in the snow, and the soft hiss of the cigarette as it was extinguished by the soft white powder. Ben stood shocked, unable to move, wondering to himself if this was really happening or if his partner was only kidding around. He heard the door open behind him as his friend entered the shack, then heard the clink of metal against metal again as he heard the door latch lock. He heard a burst of fire from a lancer come from inside the shack, and the high pitched scream of the woman. Jolted from his temporary state of shock, he sprinted to the door. Pounding on the hard wood, he could hear the woman scream over and over again, and the children crying in the background.

Treat internal dialog just as you would regular dialog, but without the quotation marks. "Oh no. By the Allfathers, please no, he pleaded silently."

A few minutes later, he heard the sound of a Lancer firing three more times, and the children's screams and cries abruptly stopped. Oh no. By the Allfathers, please no. He pleaded silently. He heard a movement just inside the door, and the sound of a lancer being reloaded. He heard the sound of the latch, that terrible sound, and the door opened to reveal his fellow Gear, lancer resting on his shoulder, as he walked down the small set of stairs and out into the snow, an evil smirk on his face and the glint of a madman in his eye.

******

And there we go. Sorry if I seem harsh in my review, but coddling you won't help you improve. Hope this was helpful and I hope to see you in next month's assignment.

[N1ssassa]

No problem man, I'll try to take all of this into account with this month's story. Can't believe I messed up the RTI order, that's sad. Really appreciate the depth you went into, it'll help a lot with my current project.