Charred Sin

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Damn SKORGE. Epic stuff. I am actually speechless. You have a knack for storytelling dude.

If there was any doubt Cindy was still alive was just eradicated lol. Great end to a great story.

[Jonesybites]

Well, since everyone beat me to the "corrections" and "kudos," I guess I'll ask if this is now complete, so I can relocate it into the "complete" section of FFC?

...oh by the way, kudos! It was a nicely composed, dramatic piece.

Wish people would read some of the longer fanfics more often. But, I digress;

Well, that's kind of the love/hate thing about the long fics...some people will probably read the short stuff first because, well, it's more convenient, and it sets a precedence over the other fics here...SKORGE's piece meets a smooth middle ground, where it's not too short and rushed, but not too long and too drawn out.

[Croswynd]

Aye, speaking of which, I'm working on a seperate, shorter piece set in the Pendulum Wars. It's interesting to write in a setting I'm kind of unfamiliar with.

[Croswynd]

Day Three (Part One) Review:

“Were they relaxing, knowing that they had been saved from the impending doom by shear luck?”
“shear” should be “sheer”.


“John grabbed a hold of Cindy’s hand and moved her in front of himself. Making sure she’d be the very first one they’d board onto a train.”
Combining these sentences is a good idea. It just doesn’t seem right separately.


“At least they were closer then before, thought John.”
“Than” instead of “then”.


“They resorted to name calling and slandering of the Chairman, the COG and anyone directly involved in the announcement.”
Missing a comma after “COG”


Ooooooh, this is getting good. You’re really amazing at showing the desperation of both those wanting to get out and the Gears left behind to help them. I could almost feel the air you wove together, fear and panic melding with hostile intent as bullets flew and people fell. Wonderfully done.


Day Three (Part Two) Review:

“a man shouted as he throw a homemade Molotov over the gate”
“throw” should be “threw”.


Only one mistake that I could see during the whole thing. Wow, that was heart-wrenching when he almost lost his chance to give the boy to that man. I didn’t think the boy was going to make it there for a second – excellent use of tension there. I was a little confused, however, on how John was so quick to assume his daughter was dead. Ah, well. On to the next one.


Day Three (Part Three) Review:

“John’s ears twitched of a familiar sound and his eyes gazed at a horrifying un-human sight.”
I think the word you’re looking for is “inhuman”.


All in all, this was an extremely enjoyable read. I really liked the way you gave more personality to the statues presented in the “Ashes” trailer, the way you really drove home how terrible people could be when their end was in sight. The desperation and fear was palpable, I thought, and if you were going for that, you succeeded splendidly. Great stuff.

[SKORGE]

In a house In a heartbeat from 28 Weeks later.

That works for this part! (IMO)

Great movie, great soundtrack. Glad you liked it Jay, thanks for taking the time out of your day and reading this piece each and every time, means a lot.

Day One Review:


“Oh but it is… what else can this be?” the man on the railing asked?

That last “?” shouldn’t be there.


“Young man, you do not remember Anvil Gate.”

I’d replace “you do not” with “don’t you” (dialogue shouldn’t be as formal as everything else) and put a “?” at the end of the sentence, because you’re asking a question.


“…you as well as I know this is not what it seems.”

I’d change this to “you know as well as I this isn’t what it seems.” To make it less formal.


“I know, sweat-pea, but I don’t trust those damn Indies.”

“sweat-pea”? I think you mean “sweet-pea” :P Also, would you mind putting a return in between dialogue to spread it out? It gets confusing sometimes.

It’s good so far, enough to make me keep reading on. I’ve always liked the “in between” moments of lore in games, as well as different perspectives on major lore happenings. This fits both, I think.

Thanks for the read and review brah, I'll get onto it right now. About the dialog though - I have tried many other ways in placing it, but people seem to feel comfortable with the way it is now. So I too have started to leave it like it is.... But I'll think about it.

Day Two Review:



“Thousands more attempted to flee the city and fighting all day, and all night.”

I’d change the first “and” to a comma.


The tension is building quite nicely, I’m loving what you’re doing. However, I’m kind of confused as to why the Gears were shooting civilians – it doesn’t seem like something they’d do. But, perhaps desperate times cause desperate circumstances to happen. The dialogue could be better, but it could always be better in anyone’s story, so it’s fine. The names are kind of uncreative as well, but I can forgive that, heh.

Well the question was asked by Grub as well. You see, most of the Gears are not naive. They know that help is not coming - they can sense it. And they also know that not everyone will reach it in time. Mixed orders, mixed morals - the end means that you spare some the defeat of dying the viscous death that awaits them with a less painful one.

Well then, as the first writing I've read on the Gears forums in many months...

This is probably the best Gears fic I've ever read to date. The emotions and "It's the end of all things." feeling I got was astounding. You did an amazing job protraying the confusion, carnage, and mass hysteria in my opinion. Really great job, I enjoyed it a lot. I envy your writing skills. Seriously, that was awesome.

I was listening to this during some of the read, fit well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIG6m2e6VJA

Interesting song - it's now stuck playing in my head. Thanks for the read and comment out of nowhere Nox. Glad I got that feeling out of you.

Wow. That was really good. I enjoyed it immensely. Every time I see the ash people, I'm going to think of John and Bob. I hope you are going to write a story about Jake. I NEED to know what happened to him.

You know, that has crossed my mind. I'll be sure to look into it some time later. And thank you for the comments throughout the fiction Edie - glad to have had you stick around.

Nah! It didn't seem rushed, it was really well thought out. I have to agree with Edie... every time I'll see ash silhouettes, I'll think of the characters here.

Oh alright then. The ash people live on!

Damn SKORGE. Epic stuff. I am actually speechless. You have a knack for storytelling dude.

If there was any doubt Cindy was still alive was just eradicated lol. Great end to a great story.

Thank you Grub, glad you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. And yes, Cindy is gone.

Well, since everyone beat me to the "corrections" and "kudos," I guess I'll ask if this is now complete, so I can relocate it into the "complete" section of FFC?

...oh by the way, kudos! It was a nicely composed, dramatic piece.



Well, that's kind of the love/hate thing about the long fics...some people will probably read the short stuff first because, well, it's more convenient, and it sets a precedence over the other fics here...SKORGE's piece meets a smooth middle ground, where it's not too short and rushed, but not too long and too drawn out.

Yeah it is finished Jonesy, go ahead and add it. I'll go about writing the small information for it. Thank you for the compliment and reading.

Day Three (Part One) Review:

“Were they relaxing, knowing that they had been saved from the impending doom by shear luck?”
“shear” should be “sheer”.


“John grabbed a hold of Cindy’s hand and moved her in front of himself. Making sure she’d be the very first one they’d board onto a train.”
Combining these sentences is a good idea. It just doesn’t seem right separately.


“At least they were closer then before, thought John.”
“Than” instead of “then”.


“They resorted to name calling and slandering of the Chairman, the COG and anyone directly involved in the announcement.”
Missing a comma after “COG”


Ooooooh, this is getting good. You’re really amazing at showing the desperation of both those wanting to get out and the Gears left behind to help them. I could almost feel the air you wove together, fear and panic melding with hostile intent as bullets flew and people fell. Wonderfully done.

Thank you, glad to have you comment as it is.


Day Three (Part Two) Review:

“a man shouted as he throw a homemade Molotov over the gate”
“throw” should be “threw”.


Only one mistake that I could see during the whole thing. Wow, that was heart-wrenching when he almost lost his chance to give the boy to that man. I didn’t think the boy was going to make it there for a second – excellent use of tension there. I was a little confused, however, on how John was so quick to assume his daughter was dead. Ah, well. On to the next one.

Awesome, well - I guess the logical thing to say would be that he was still numb to what he had just done, or what has just happened.


Day Three (Part Three) Review:

“John’s ears twitched of a familiar sound and his eyes gazed at a horrifying un-human sight.”
I think the word you’re looking for is “inhuman”.


All in all, this was an extremely enjoyable read. I really liked the way you gave more personality to the statues presented in the “Ashes” trailer, the way you really drove home how terrible people could be when their end was in sight. The desperation and fear was palpable, I thought, and if you were going for that, you succeeded splendidly. Great stuff.

Thank you for the helpful revives dude, will get to fixing right away. Thanks to you for taking the time to read all of this as well. And I share your pain when it comes to long Fictions - there used to be a time when reading long fictions was something 'cool', but these days everyone is in such a hurry.

Thank you to every single person that has commented, rated and supported this small fiction. Truth be told - when I started, I was just trying to quench a thirst of a fiction of this type. I really wanted to do something that involved the charred people during the hammer strike - took a chance and developed this piece.

But over time - these comments and support really helped move the train along, so once again, I couldn't have gotten this finished without all the great comments!

Hell, if you hated this fiction and only clicked on it once - then I still want to say thank you.

[TheRealBigBoss]

Hell, if you hated this fiction and only clicked on it once - then I still want to say thank you.

Ohh SKORGE! You know me all too well, but really, no thanks necessary.

[SKORGE]

Ohh SKORGE! You know me all too well, but really, no thanks necessary.

Oh Boss-Cheeto, you know it had to be said. No Kudos means no pluto!

[Nox]

Was rather random for me to show up. But yeah man, should help me write that well. Maybe I should work on my fic, I hate to let it die after all I put into it. We can discuss more in CZ

[SKORGE]

^That we can, I'll head over there in a second or two.

[Razor605]

Great...now I'm depressed. Awesome story Skorge, sad ending though...can't say that I didn't see it coming

[Jay the Arbiter]

Great movie, great soundtrack.

Meh, the first half felt too much like a massive screamer prank, and how the infection got back into London felt a bit daft, otherwise, it was good. Preferred 28 Days though.

[SKORGE]

Great...now I'm depressed. Awesome story Skorge, sad ending though...can't say that I didn't see it coming

Thank you Shake, and don't worry, depression means you have feelings.

Meh, the first half felt too much like a massive screamer prank, and how the infection got back into London felt a bit daft, otherwise, it was good. Preferred 28 Days though.

True. First one had a whole new atmosphere... and I hated the movie after the soldier died - it became all idiotic and 'WTF' like. Good movie overall, but really lacking the punch, the first one had.

[ChrisX]

Nice work wrapping this great short up beautifully, I really, really enjoyed it.

All errors were pointed out by the others, so I've not much to say. Nice work Skorge.

[Jay the Arbiter]

True. First one had a whole new atmosphere... and I hated the movie after the soldier died - it became all idiotic and 'WTF' like. Good movie overall, but really lacking the punch, the first one had.

Didn't want Jeremy Renner to die.

You're very good at a "Hopeless" setting!

[SKORGE]

Nice work wrapping this great short up beautifully, I really, really enjoyed it.

All errors were pointed out by the others, so I've not much to say. Nice work Skorge.

Thanks Chris, and where have you been? That also reminds me, I need to go fix those pesky errors.

Didn't want Jeremy Renner to die.

You're very good at a "Hopeless" setting!

Why thank you Jay.

[Jay the Arbiter]

That's one of the main reasons I liked it though, change of scenery and I found myself thinking "They're not going to make it, are they?"

[SKORGE]

By change of scenery, what exactly do you mean? You've said that a lot over the months, so you as a reader - what do you mean?

The mass riots, mass carnage, confusion and destruction are my calling cards.

[ChrisX]

Thanks Chris, and where have you been? That also reminds me, I need to go fix those pesky errors.

I've been busy moving to a new house, on vacation now.

[SKORGE]

I've been busy moving to a new house, on vacation now.

Ah, well then.... welcome back Chris!

[mortablunt]

First section response:

Liked it. It's refreshing to hear about the civilians.

[SKORGE]

Oh, oh wow, hey thanks Morta.

[Sleeveless Man]

Aw poop. Now I'm sad.

But I must say, this is a very well written story, good work Skorge.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be outside Ephyra on those days before the Hammer of Dawn strikes. It's just scary to think about, and I think you captured it perfectly.

[SKORGE]

Thank you, sir.

I'm glad you enjoyed the fiction. How'd you get about to finding this bad-boy?

[Sleeveless Man]

Thank you, sir.

I'm glad you enjoyed the fiction. How'd you get about to finding this bad-boy?

I was looking through the Fan Fic Central thread and saw it, and I believe it had some kind of "Most ____ of 2010" or something.

Looked interesting enough.

[Croswynd]

I was looking through the Fan Fic Central thread and saw it, and I believe it had some kind of "Most ____ of 2010" or something.

Looked interesting enough.

*coughs, then points at his sig, winks, and walks back into the alleyway from whence he came*

[N1ssassa]

*coughs, then points at his sig, winks, and walks back into the alleyway from whence he came*

hahaha good ole Cros

[SKORGE]

I was looking through the Fan Fic Central thread and saw it, and I believe it had some kind of "Most ____ of 2010" or something.

Looked interesting enough.

And I assume this is what lead you to The Tower?

[MxcnPro12]

Looks like someone's been doin their homework lolz

[Sleeveless Man]

And I assume this is what lead you to The Tower?

Yeaah. I tended to just look for the ones with "awards". But if you can point out any other good ones, I'd love that.

[SKORGE]

Looks like someone's been doin their homework lolz

I always did my homework. In fact, I was an honor student and always made the deens list... if only.

Yeaah. I tended to just look for the ones with "awards". But if you can point out any other good ones, I'd love that.

I would say give Snowblind, Haunted Echoes, Shattered World all a try. And of course there are always the other notable fictions created by the regular batch of S&C posters, Sgt. Grub K1ller, TheRealBigBoss, JaytheArbitar. I highly recommend the "Golden Era" of fiction - a Warpath to be exact. Black Asgard is the man that started it all and is now a published author.

Just read what you can, they're always going to be here. Unless Jonesy is banned and her threads purged... but yeah. No rush and no pressure. Just that not too many people like to read these days and you're a rare sight to see.

[Sleeveless Man]

I always did my homework. In fact, I was an honor student and always made the deens list... if only.



I would say give Snowblind, Haunted Echoes, Shattered World all a try. And of course there are always the other notable fictions created by the regular batch of S&C posters, Sgt. Grub K1ller, TheRealBigBoss, JaytheArbitar. I highly recommend the "Golden Era" of fiction - a Warpath to be exact. Black Asgard is the man that started it all and is now a published author.

Just read what you can, they're always going to be here. Unless Jonesy is banned and her threads purged... but yeah. No rush and no pressure. Just that not too many people like to read these days and you're a rare sight to see.

Oh I love reading, as long as I enjoy it. I banged out Aspho Fields and Jacinto's Remnant in a matter of weeks, Definately under a month. However, I can barely push myself through a chapter of Lord of the Flies.

I'll take a look around though.

[TheRealBigBoss]

Oh I love reading, as long as I enjoy it.

Hmm, that's interesting. Wonder if you could help me out and give this a look?...

The Promise

Reason I ask is cause now I'm curious about what you'd think of it. It's only around a five minute read so it wouldn't take up much of your time. Still, I understand that people have other stuff to do so I won't hold it against you if don't read it...

[SKORGE]

Oh I love reading, as long as I enjoy it. I banged out Aspho Fields and Jacinto's Remnant in a matter of weeks, Definately under a month. However, I can barely push myself through a chapter of Lord of the Flies.

I'll take a look around though.

Oh god, yes, I'm the same way. I thought I was the only person in the world that didn't really like Lord of the Flies. Hahaha!

[Sleeveless Man]

Oh god, yes, I'm the same way. I thought I was the only person in the world that didn't really like Lord of the Flies. Hahaha!

There are people who like it? ._.
I have to read it for school now, but I've been skating by pretty well on SparkNotes...

[Jay the Arbiter]

I remember there's a Lord of the Flies reference in The Simpsons which always annoys me because to me, it looks more like an Animal Farm reference.