Gears of War - Shattered World[FF][ACT III - Chapter 7 posted!][Page 118]

[SKORGE]

Yeah great chapter, but if I could make one suggestion, it would be the same as Sgt. Try and add a sense of unreal panic in them, or at least in the three aside from Cole. Picture it like this, you wake up tomorrow thinking all will be the same, and six hours later have everything you once knew taken away from you.

One split second, it was all calm, and now it's a bloodbath, you don't know what the hell is happening, nor do you understand a thing. As well, these things are popping up from underneath the ground. Things that at one time were just fairy tales, conspiracy theories.

As well, Kurt and Darrius need to be taken back the most, as they are children, their minds cannot handle too much stress such as this.

But yet you can keep the small talk, just add bits of stressful behavior. Where they may say a few things followed by silence, and loss of feeling, a numbness.

Other wise this chapter was great, had a lot of descriptions which is always good, and introduced the character very well. Looking forward toward more.

[Jay the Arbiter]

Interesting chapter to say the least. One quirk I find odd is that these alian monsters that no one has ever seen before have suddenely come out of the ground kiling millions, and people are making small talk.

Maybe Sera is invaded by Aliens all the time, and everyone's just gotten used to it? If you'll pardon the Futurama quote.

Leela: Years ago, Earth was attacked by Aliens.

Fry: So what? Earth gets attacked three times a week. It's how I remember it's time to floss.

Leela: This time, the invaders weren't just some drunk Alien frat boys.

I'll read the chapter in a moment.

[RaKais]

Right, I'll explain the reasoning behind the apparent lack of... shock/horror.

None of them have seen the devastation up close. Clay hasn't actually fought any Locust directly. All he has seen so far is bodies. You think people who fought in the Pendulam Wars wouldn't be used to death and destruction? Sure, the corpser in the house, you'd expect some reaction? Nope, Clay isn't that sort of man and, like Marcus, he knows when to throw the walls up and make small talk which links to Cole --->

Cole has brought his "game mentality" walls up, he really is anxious about not hearing from his family. You'll soon learn why he has that defence mechanism and Darrius and Kurt? Well they were, firstly hyped up on Adrenaline and now brought low by grief. The shock and realisation that the world they live in is slowly being destroyed city by city will hit them soon enough. Notice how they **** themselves during the news broadcast but not so much out in the warzone? They havn't seen anything yet.

Also, imagine yourself in this situation? Ever seen a particularly bad car crash? How bout something bigger? Like when the World Trade Centers were hit? I remember the fact it happened not registering on my brain till I got home from school and sat down and watched the news a few times until I kinda went numb all over.

The moment of realisation will come. Do not worry! Just right now, one thing is happening after the other. City being destroyed/losing Sarah/Losing their home/Kurt seriously injured etc. Whenever you get overwhelmed with something, it takes a while to actually get to you.

Long story short:

None of them have seen the massive amounts of death and destruction. Not yet. None of them were at the centre of any of the attacks.

[RaKais]

Yeah great chapter, but if I could make one suggestion, it would be the same as Sgt. Try and add a sense of unreal panic in them, or at least in the three aside from Cole. Picture it like this, you wake up tomorrow thinking all will be the same, and six hours later have everything you once knew taken away from you.

One split second, it was all calm, and now it's a bloodbath, you don't know what the hell is happening, nor do you understand a thing. As well, these things are popping up from underneath the ground. Things that at one time were just fairy tales, conspiracy theories.

As well, Kurt and Darrius need to be taken back the most, as they are children, their minds cannot handle too much stress such as this.

But yet you can keep the small talk, just add bits of stressful behavior. Where they may say a few things followed by silence, and loss of feeling, a numbness.

Other wise this chapter was great, had a lot of descriptions which is always good, and introduced the character very well. Looking forward toward more.

I agree, their minds cannot handle too much stress. It's why they have essentially shut down and focusing on one thing. Sarah.

Thanks for the comments. I do agree with what you said but do refer to my other post

[RaKais]

Interesting chapter to say the least. One quirk I find odd is that these alian monsters that no one has ever seen before have suddenely come out of the ground kiling millions, and people are making small talk. I would expect people, even Gears, to be sh*ting them selves. They barely take notice that a fifty foot monster is dead and laying on his house. No offence to your writting, its great btw, I just find it odd how the characters sre acting at the moment. Well i can expect Cole to because he is kinda crazy but two kids wouldnt be acting as if everything is cool at the moment.

btw you mean THAT Clay? lol

I get what you mean dude, seriously but read my other post. There is a reason for this. I'm pretty sure if you came home to a fifty foot corpser lying in the ruins of your home, I bet your brain would refuse to believe it lol.

As I keep saying, their breakdown time will come.

And oh yes, THAT Clay :P

[SKORGE]

Ah, alright then, well that was one of the thoughts that came to my head. Where as, they may have not seen much to really feel the impact.

Though, dead bodies should still effect them to some extent, especially if their are a lot of them laying around.

As well, when the World Trade Center was hit, at first I didn't understand what was going on, as I originally had thought it was a plane crash. Soon did I realize that it the WTC and that it was an attack. Before that, it [info] was blurry and hard to understand what exactly had happened.

I get what you mean.

[RaKais]

See?

Don't worry, I planned for this. Makes writing the "and it alllllllll sunk in" part alot sweeter" :P

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

i was like 7 when the wtc fell. didnt understand what was going on.
anyway, okey i see where you are going with this. I guess that your body would be pumping with adreniline and you wouldnt freak out as bad. But I dont care how brave you are when you see a fifty foot gient spider thing dead on your house, your going to freak out. But regardless I will wait for Ch.5 for the reality of the situation to set in.

[RaKais]

Patience Mr. Dizzy Fan :P

[Jonesybites]

This chapter was a little off for me. For one thing, they should have taken Kurt to a hospital to make sure the lungs didn't get punctured...and he wouldn't have walked around comfortably with broken ribs because the diaphram forces them to move each time he inhales...

...and I don't recall Cole becoming a Gear until after E-day, when the COG established the Fortification Act, recruiting all able-bodied men to serve...

Other than that, the dialogue needs to be spaced out...if you're typing this in Word, you'll have to re-edit it here when you post...I had to do the same with every chapter because for whatever reason, this site will clump it all together.

[RaKais]

Kurt gets taken to the nearest hospital which happens to be where they were headed. (Using the medical facilitys of the local barracks)

Cole isn't a Gear (yet). He was, as stated, visiting the city early before his Thrashball game.

And as for the dialogue, do you mean space it out like this:

"Blah blah blah blahblahblah," Said mr Blah blah.

"Blah blah blah blah," Mr Blah Blah Blah agreed

"Blah," Mr Blah Blah nodded.

instead of:

"Blah blah blah blahblahblah," Said mr Blah blah.
"Blah blah blah blah," Mr Blah Blah Blah agreed
"Blah," Mr Blah Blah nodded.

[Jay the Arbiter]

Yes, I think that's what she means, it makes dialogue easier to read.

[RaKais]

Damn Word lol

[Jonesybites]

I know it's a pain in the rear process, but apparently that seems to be the only way.

[RaKais]

"chapter" 5 will be up soon... been distracted by exams, Red Dead Redemption, being homesick and missing my girlfriend.

So I haven't been in the mood to write lately. but It won't be long guys

[Jay the Arbiter]

It's all okay, when you feel up for it, roll on Chapter 5!

[TheRealBigBoss]

Lol, Red Dead, is everyone playing Red Dead?

Ohh, and if I ever get the time, I'll try my best to read through this, sounds interesting. I've just, you know, got a bigger must read list than I have the actual time needed to read it all! Example, Jay probably thinks I've forgotten about his story, but, I haven't.

[RaKais]

Done 1,656 words at the moment. Going to try and aim for 2500 or 3000. Depends on how I want to end it (the chapter, that is). But it's basically Darrius trying to deal with his emotions. He's a bit... unpredicable... as is all people who are deeply grieving. Oh and enlisting, but I'm not going into details with the actual process, it doesn't add much to the story lol.

And Boss? Yeah, everyone is playing it. It's an amazing game. Kind of annoying, now none of my friends want to play Gears 2 lol... Oh well! *shrugs*

[SKORGE]

Red Dead is awesome, so much better then the first.... Though the first was more of a Capcom thing then Rockstar.

Anyway, good to see are still alive. I thought you were sucked into some sort of Stranded loving convention.

[Jonesybites]

Done 1,656 words at the moment. Going to try and aim for 2500 or 3000. Depends on how I want to end it (the chapter, that is). But it's basically Darrius trying to deal with his emotions. He's a bit... unpredicable... as is all people who are deeply grieving. Oh and enlisting, but I'm not going into details with the actual process, it doesn't add much to the story lol.

And Boss? Yeah, everyone is playing it. It's an amazing game. Kind of annoying, now none of my friends want to play Gears 2 lol... Oh well! *shrugs*

I wouldn't worry about trying to make it so many words...just focus on what it is you want the audience to feel when describing the overall atmosphere.

[RaKais]

I wouldn't worry about trying to make it so many words...just focus on what it is you want the audience to feel when describing the overall atmosphere.

Yeah, as I said, it depends on how I want to end this section.

[Jay the Arbiter]

Ohh, and if I ever get the time, I'll try my best to read through this, sounds interesting. I've just, you know, got a bigger must read list than I have the actual time needed to read it all! Example, Jay probably thinks I've forgotten about his story, but, I haven't.

Oh good. lol.

And Boss? Yeah, everyone is playing it. It's an amazing game. Kind of annoying, now none of my friends want to play Gears 2 lol... Oh well! *shrugs*

Something like that happened to me once, a lot of people on my FR were playing Red Faction and pleaded with me to get it, of course, by the time I did, they'd all gone back to school. (It was school time for them, but I was in my holidays)

[Croswynd]

*Whistle*

That there is a -great- few chapters there, my friend. The descriptions were vivid and the combat, what little there was, was enough to get the adrenaline pumping. You have a way of getting me to care about your characters that doesn't happen very often.

The only bad things I saw were a few strange dialogue choices (Seeming too much like thought processes; i.e. with words people wouldn't normally use like "whilst") and the ambivalent attitude towards Kurt's injuries. But, hey, it's a great story, so I guess it balances out.

Lookin' forward to more. Oh, and if you're ever not busy with writing, girlfriending, and uni, I'd like some tips or reviews on a few of my pieces, as well.

Keep it going!

[RaKais]

*Whistle*

That there is a -great- few chapters there, my friend. The descriptions were vivid and the combat, what little there was, was enough to get the adrenaline pumping. You have a way of getting me to care about your characters that doesn't happen very often.

The only bad things I saw were a few strange dialogue choices (Seeming too much like thought processes; i.e. with words people wouldn't normally use like "whilst") and the ambivalent attitude towards Kurt's injuries. But, hey, it's a great story, so I guess it balances out.

Lookin' forward to more. Oh, and if you're ever not busy with writing, girlfriending, and uni, I'd like some tips or reviews on a few of my pieces, as well.

Keep it going!

Woah, thanks dude. I shall indeed check out your pieces!

I will answer your point on the dialogue however;

People do say strange things in traumatic experiences, mainly because for most people, their brain's are struggling to comprehend the out of ordinary experience. Add adrenaline pumping, being knocked about and the people you love dying/missing, it adds up to some weirdness.

I'm drawing a little on experience here, not my personal experiences, but that of friends. They kinda flipped between their normal behaviour and then their... distraught/traumatised/shocked/angered/other emotional etc behavior.

As for Kurt's injuries? Again, adrenaline can block out a lot of pain lol... and it's not like a pair of fifteen year old's would know what broken ribs does to you (internal bleeding, needing medical attention asap)... but yeah, it's all getting resolved one way or another.

Thanks again for the kind words, I'll check out your fan fic momentarily.

[RaKais]

Chapter 5 .

You know the drill. This was done at ridiculous hour in the morning O'clock, leave comments and stuff for me to read tomorrow when I have the brain capacity to use them effectively and I'll repeat the process again.

Chapter 5

North Ephyra Barracks
8 hours since Emergence
Nightfall

Darrius stared blankly across the cityscape and watched it burn in front of a beautiful sunset. From what he had heard, the things had been pushed back out of Ephyra and onto the green belt that ran around the south side of the city although more of them were coming up out of the ground all over the place. Other areas were not so lucky. Contact had been lost with seventy five percent of densely populated zones all across Sera and the other fifteen percent had reported casualties that bled into the millions. Millions. You couldn’t imagine that number.

He hadn’t heard from his family yet but, thankfully, contact had not been lost with Corren. Darrius had no way of getting in touch with them. The barracks was in uproar, Gears were rushing all over the place, battle operators were using up all the bandwidth and security were having a great time keeping terrified civilians out.

Yet even as humanity was being slowly destroyed, one brick and person at a time across the continent … all he could do was stare at the silver necklace as it dangled from his hand, over the side of the balcony he was leaning on.

The world was ending and he could only think about one person. Perhaps, in a different time or place, he could laugh at something like that but all he could think about was drowning in his gut wrenching failure.

It was quiet here, on the outer ring of the watchtower. The coarse stone beneath his fingers felt oddly reassuring and the wind whipped up his hair now and again. It was like being on a different planet this far up.

A King Raven roared overhead and headed towards the sunset.

He wondered how it felt, not knowing the hell that would be unleashed upon him whilst he sat in a cramped hold, cradling a gun he had yet to use, sweating under armour that had never worn, looking at other people he didn’t know go through the same thing.

He wondered because right now, he could take the feeling of knowing he could die at any second, could be shot, stabbed, eaten, crushed into roads or pavements that only yesterday, hell even today, he could have been walking down with his family or friends. He knew he could take that feeling any day than the feeling of knowing that because of him, the person he cherished most was dead.

Oh god…

The door behind him opened quietly with barely a hint of a creak. It was Clay.

“Your friend, Kurt, he’ll be okay in about a day or so. If we hadn’t have got him here sooner, the internal bleeding might have been fatal,” Clay rested his elbows on the stone surface.

Darrius nodded and stayed silent.

“Heard from your family?”

“No. My cell is broken and I haven’t been able to find a phone to use,” Darrius said. “How about your squad?”

“MIA. Raven was shot down and haven’t had word since.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Darrius didn’t sound sorry. He didn’t sound anything at all. Dead inside, perhaps.

“I don’t expect you to be. I’m not, they were good men but I didn’t know any of them long enough to consider them friends. I respect them but I do not feel sorry. Not for men who do their duty,” Clay said. “I lost a lot of good friends during the pendulum wars. You learn how to deal with the pain, as will you, when you take the oath.”

“How can you not be affected by all this?” Darrius said, sweeping a hand out towards the city.

“I can’t afford to let anything get to me. Even if the enemy happens to be a pick-a-mix bag of freaks. That’s not to say that being affected is wrong or bad. Everyone handles it differently,” Clay replied. “I don’t exactly see you all shaken up though.”

“I…,” Darrius stopped mid-sentence. Clay was right. He had seen plenty of dead bodies on the way up. Some had been blown to bits and yet he didn’t bat-

He slid to his knees, suddenly sick to his stomach.

The moment his brained focused on it, it hit him. One massive kaleidoscope of images flowed through his mind, one mutilated, crushed, shot corpse after another, the smell of that grey monster, his house flattened by a giant hand spider… and then Sarah… Oh God… His covered his face in his hands, his fingers in his hair, the necklace pressing against his cheek and the tears started to flow.

“It gets you sooner or later. Everyone goes through it,” Clay patted him on the shoulder sympathetically and headed back to the door.

“If you don’t remember where the med wing is, just ask someone. Tomorrow morning I’ll take you to enlisting offices.”

Clay shut the door behind him and waited a moment. Sure he enough, he heard the sobbing.
He felt himself strangely attached to the kid. He was going to be a good soldier if he got his emotions under control. Not many people would have run towards an enemy surprise attack. We are going to need people like him.

Sure, he was underage but only by a few weeks but if he was anything like his father, it wouldn’t matter. He was sure he could help tweak the paperwork.

Clay made a mental note to tell the attendant downstairs to stop anyone going up. The kid needed his space right now. Hell, everyone did. What was left of it.

He felt his earpiece buzz in his ear and pressed his finger to it as he descended the stair case.

“Private Carmine? Control here.”

“Receiving, over.”

“I’m sorry but we found your squad… or what’s left of them. KIA, last survivor bled out on the APC ride back. Until you receive your orders and squad relocation, you are to remain here in the barracks. Security is running a bit thin.”

“Understood,” Clay said. “What are my current orders?”

“Let’s see…,” There was a brief second of static. “Okay, get down to the front gates. I need you to escort somebody to the control room.”

“Does this someone have a name?”

“Wasn’t told Private, though I hear he has an Embry Star. So move it.”

“Got it. Carmine out.”

A little part of him at the back of his mind was disgusted of his detachment to everything going on around him. He may not have known his squad long but they were people none-the-less and they were all dead having defended humanity. He would have been too if not for Darrius, he realised in a strange way…

Almost as quickly as the shutters rose, they came crashing back down.

He had someone to go meet.

North Ephyra Barracks
Med Wing
18 hours since Emergence.
Dawn

Darrius had stayed up on the watch tower for what felt like hours but he knew he was barely there for one after Clay left. Emotionally drained, he had wandered around lost in his thoughts until he stumbled across the Med Wing. He had pulled up a chair next to Kurt’s bed and had quickly fallen asleep.

Mercifully, he did not dream.

“Hey, Darrius? Wake up!” Someone said, shaking him by the shoulders.

He opened his eyes to the blaring daylight and quickly shut them, wincing in pain.

“Ah, somebody turn off the sun.”

The person chuckled and Darrius felt a cup of hot coffee thrust into his hands.

Opening his eyes, he was greeted by the sight of Kurt propped up slightly in bed, bandages wrapped around his torso and Cole standing off to one side. He looked like he managed to find a change of clothes somewhere because his bloody tank top had been replaced with a fresh one.

“Please tell me,” Darrius began, rubbing the sides of his head and sitting forward in his chair. “That yesterday, was a crazy dream?”

Nobody answered because Darrius glanced at the necklace still wrapped around the palm of his hand and he just sat back closing his eyes.

Kurt tried to reach over with a reassuring hand but it seemed to cause him too much pain and he let his hand flop back on the bed.

Darrius opened one eye.

“Don’t overdo it man.”

“What are you? My mom?” Kurt smirked but there was no warmth behind it. The look in Kurt’s eye suggested he wished he hadn’t mentioned the word “mom”. Darrius still didn’t know if his family was okay.

“Heard from them, Dee?”

“No. I’m going to ask Clay to get word to my dad. If anything, he’ll now be stationed at Corren,” Darrius took a sip of coffee. “If he’s alive.”

Kurt frowned at his friend’s bluntness. He idolised his father, doubting his abilities was something Kurt hadn’t heard in over ten years of knowing Darrius.

“…Are you okay?”

“Pretty stupid question, don’t you think Kurt?” Darrius snapped. “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not really myself … yeah, just don’t take this personally. How are your ribs?”

“Responding to my stupid question with one of your own?” Kurt said, smirking and then wincing. “I’ll be fine in a few days. The doc said she was amazed I was walking around for so long afterwards. She said something about the fact that walking around actually made it worse… or something. I was kinda drugged at the time.”

Darrius took a sip of his coffee and then grimaced.

“Jesus, why did I just drink this? I hate coffee. Yuck.” He put the cup down on the cabinet beside the bed. “Hey, Mr. Cole? Have you heard from your family?”

“Aw, hey now, don’t call Mr. Cole, Cole will do just fine,” Cole said, looking slightly embarrassed. “Haven’t heard a word from ‘em and I haven’t been able to get word out. Crazy times at the moment, baby.”

“So what are you going to do now? I don’t expect you’ll want to be babysitting us forever.”

“I haven’t actually thought ‘bout it. I expect my Thrashball days are over, at least for now. I’ll probably help out around here for a while an’ keep trying to get word to my family. I’d go look for ‘em but I don’t think I’d get very far.”

Darrius stood up and stretched. He took a deep breath and walked around the bed to Cole.

“Thank you Cole, for saving our lives. I don’t think I said it yet,” He extended his hand.

“Don’t mention it, just doing what any decent human being woulda done,” Cole said, he took Darrius’ hand and shook his head. “I couldn’t just watch you two die. I’d have done the same for anyone.”

“I have to say that out of all the times I imagined meeting you, none of them happened on the worst day of my life,” Darrius said then added. “…everyone’s life.”

“So what are you going to do? Have you got a place in Jacinto to go?”

“No… I don’t. My house was flattened under that…,” Darrius closed his eyes and felt sick rise up his throat. He swallowed. “Kurt does but I think he… we want to enlist. We were planning to before this madness anyways.”

“Aren’t you a little young for that?”

“I’m sixteen in a few weeks, that’s how old I need to be. I don’t think anyone is going to care who enlists right now.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Cole said. “So how are you feelin’?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I keep flitting between being in disbelief of everything that’s happened and then this… aching stomach twisting pain of being unable to save Sarah… not knowing how my family are or if they are even alive… then I’m back to square one and I can’t believe any of this has happened. Those things are probably not even a mile away from this place yet here we are, sitting around like f*ck all has happened, discussing enlistment and-,” Darrius suddenly felt weak at the knees. He ran a hand through his hair.

“To think… that… yesterday, the first thoughts on my mind were worrying about school, watching you on T.V. and meeting up with my friends. I’m fifteen years old and about to do something I thought I had three whole years of my life to live for, waiting for this and.… ah sh*t, I’m sorry Cole. I’m having a hard time dealing with this.”

“Everyone copes in their own way, baby, but no matter how hard the outward appearance, everyone’s feelin’ the same inside, no doubt about it. You, me, everyone. Even Clay. Don’t tear yourself up for feeling what everyone else is. No-one’s gonna judge you.”

“I know.”

Darrius turned away and walked back to Kurt. He rested his hands on the metal bars at the foot of the bed.

“I’m going to let you get your rest, okay? Just get some sleep. I need to go talk to Clay about enlisting us. I’ll be back later.”

Kurt nodded and closed his eyes with a sigh as they left. The Darrius he knew was definitely dead.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Finally got a chance to read the whole thing. Exelent chapter. Thier might have been a spelling error but I cant find it again so nevermind. I like how you switched perspectives to Clay in the middle. Most of the problems I had with the last chapter where fixed with this one. Great work man, and I'm looking forward to more.

[Croswynd]

Hmm, the dialogue in the first quarter of this was a little strange, to me. Just didn't flow right. It also confused me why Clay was so uncaring toward his team being lost. In times like these, even the people you've only known a little while are like family.

The rest of the dialogue was great, and I especially love your take on Cole; it's extremely in-character for the man. He showed some nice support which I thought made it seem even more real for me. Other than a few errors here and there with grammar and two "but"s in the same sentence, I have no complaints. Keep it comin!

[SKORGE]

Nice chapter, again description was great, the story flowed well between perspectives. Though like Cros said, the only thing I have to mildly complain about is Clay' reaction.

Although that was somewhat sorted out, as him being a Pendulum Wars vet, it should come to him as a familiar feeling, and now he has become callous to it.

[Jay the Arbiter]

It looks very neat now that character dialogue is spaced out. Very good chapter! Keep it going!

[Croswynd]

Nice chapter, again description was great, the story flowed well between perspectives. Though like Cros said, the only thing I have to mildly complain about is Clay' reaction.

Although that was somewhat sorted out, as him being a Pendulum Wars vet, it should come to him as a familiar feeling, and now he has become callous to it.

A little callous, I can understand, but it didn't even seem to affect him at all. That doesn't happen in real life, in my experience. The dialogue in that specific part seemed stilted and robotic, hardly any emotion where there should have been just a little bit. But I can forgive it, I guess. Not many people really know how it feels when it happens.

[Jay the Arbiter]

I just noticed Skorge ninja-d me.

Heh heh.

[RaKais]

Don't want to spoil anything but Clay's defense mechanism to anything traumatic is along the same lines as Marcus. Complete and utter emotional lock-down and it came across because of a particular event where he lost some close friends (all at once.) during the pendulam war.

I can agree it seems a bit... robotic/lifeless but it's one thing some people try in these circumstances... and that's block out any and all emotion. A certain flashback will provide all your answers. Clay doesn't become badass because he lets everything get to him.

Also, it contrasts heavily with Darrius who is constantly going back and forth between anger, grief and disbelief. Clay's attitude is going to eventually rub Darrius the wrong way, as does anyone else who acts the same way. (Marcus,Cole and another character that will appear sometime soon, surprise of course and *shock* it's an original character instead of a guest star .)

Thanks for the comments guys. I will work on this.

I have to say that I will blame my ever increasing late late late nights/early mornings lol.

[SKORGE]

A little callous, I can understand, but it didn't even seem to affect him at all. That doesn't happen in real life, in my experience. The dialogue in that specific part seemed stilted and robotic, hardly any emotion where there should have been just a little bit. But I can forgive it, I guess. Not many people really know how it feels when it happens.

It effects everyone, I'll give you that. But some take it different then others. While some are more likely to weep and mourn at their loss, others go into a lock-down.

Where the only emotion is very little and callous. Just picture it being numb to pain, happiness, grief etc. Your brain is so trained to let go off the painful experiences that it continues to lock them out and not let any in.... that is until you snap, and can no longer take all the pressure.

[Croswynd]

I guess I'm outvoted on this. I just don't see anyone talking like that right after he gets the news his team died. Hell, even Marcus wasn't entirely unaffected with anything that happened. He may not have shown emotion with his tone, but the short sentences and general "Don't talk about it" attitude it brings with it seem more "human" and "real".

I don't know, I think it'd bring out Clay's character more if he actually acted human; but that's the author's decision. I only make suggestions. I'll let the topic die out.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Don't want to spoil anything but Clay's defense mechanism to anything traumatic is along the same lines as Marcus. Complete and utter emotional lock-down and it came across because of a particular event where he lost some close friends (all at once.) during the pendulam war.

I can agree it seems a bit... robotic/lifeless but it's one thing some people try in these circumstances... and that's block out any and all emotion. A certain flashback will provide all your answers. Clay doesn't become badass because he lets everything get to him.

Also, it contrasts heavily with Darrius who is constantly going back and forth between anger, grief and disbelief. Clay's attitude is going to eventually rub Darrius the wrong way, as does anyone else who acts the same way. (Marcus,Cole and another character that will appear sometime soon, surprise of course and *shock* it's an original character instead of a guest star .)

Thanks for the comments guys. I will work on this.

I have to say that I will blame my ever increasing late late late nights/early mornings lol.

Bold=Spoiler for next chapter??????

[SKORGE]

I guess I'm outvoted on this. I just don't see anyone talking like that right after he gets the news his team died. Hell, even Marcus wasn't entirely unaffected with anything that happened. He may not have shown emotion with his tone, but the short sentences and general "Don't talk about it" attitude it brings with it seem more "human" and "real".

I don't know, I think it'd bring out Clay's character more if he actually acted human; but that's the author's decision. I only make suggestions. I'll let the topic die out.

Your not really voted out. As I agree with you, though Rakais has commented that Clay has to a point shut himself down to an extent where he is more machine like then human.

[RaKais]

Hey, Cros, don't feel voted out. This is important for me, you have brought up something which obviously I didn't do too well and need to work on, hence the big discussion and my explanation .

I put major emphasis on Clay's... removal from the real world because it's a major plot point later on. Darrius is sliding along the Marcus route, to an extent. The, I need to save everyone to make up for failing to do the same to the person closest to me, screw the orders attitude except he is a bit more open to his emotions and doesn't hesitate to chip in with how he feels and so, eventually, Darrius and Clay will come into conflict and Clay will tell all, or so you'd think

Bold=Spoiler for next chapter??????

Not for the next chapter, no but it will be soon. I just need to work out how to ... effectively do it.

[Jay the Arbiter]

We'll be waiting!

Well I'll be anyway, I'm enjoying it!

[Croswynd]

Aw, shucks, no need to try to make me feel better about it. If it's necessary, ya don't have to change it. Meant no offense by it, and everyone else seems to think it was alright; so I must just be the black sheep in the Gears Flock. :P Keep it how ya will, I'm not angry or disapprovin'. I really am enjoying your story here.

[RaKais]

Don't worry man, I'm not offended. Everyone's comments are welcome