Gears of War - Shattered World[FF][ACT III - Chapter 7 posted!][Page 118]

[RaKais]

I have read to chapter 6. So far, I like it. It's a good story, it pulls you in and makes you want to read more. A little background on Kurt would be nice. You don't mention his family or if they have survived. I am also starting to dislike Darrius, his attitude stinks. I hope his attitude will be explained.

I intentionally left some information unexplained mainly to emphasis the fact that the characters know about as much as the reader, AKA very little. With the eradication of mankind on its way, it's probably very unlikely that you'd be able to get little novelties like getting in contact with your family. It's also a good way of explaining everyones rather *rsey attitude. Lots of unrest around.

As for Darrius... Well, you are on Chapter 6, he has barely had anytime to adjust emotionally to his situation and as such, is quite bitter and is quick to anger. He can't batten down his feelings the way Marcus could and most of the time, he ends up not thinking before he speaks. If you read on, you'll notice slight shifts in his attitude where you can almost see the real 'him' underneath his sour armour but this is Darrius' story afterall, so you will most definantly have character development and the reasons behind his attitude

I noticed that you spelled gray two different ways. An example the locusts are grey and the granite walls are gray. I know it can be spelled either way, but is there a reason you did it, or is it a typo?

I think that was just me not really thinking. 'Twas a typo.

Chapter 2

The cinema's

Chapter 5

brain


Sure enough

Chapter 6

hard


Take out the second today.


help

Thank you for the comments and pointing out my mistakes. I'll get right on editing all that once I have a minute

Glad you enjoyed it.

[EdieKaye]

I have read up to chapter 9. The flow is good. The battle scenes are described well and are easy to follow. Darrius' feelings are still on lockdown, so I'm not sure how I feel about him yet. I do like Kurt. he's a hero as far as I'm concerned. Great story so far. I'm enjoying it.

Chapter 7

They’re bodies jerked and fell backwards,

Their bodies

Clay leant out from his chipped pillar

leaned

Chapter 8

I think you’d be better at me than this and these guys don’t want to lead.”

I think you’d be better at this than me and these guys don’t want to lead.”

I would get the ASAP as we are low on fuel.”

get there ASAP

[RaKais]

I have read up to chapter 9. The flow is good. The battle scenes are described well and are easy to follow. Darrius' feelings are still on lockdown, so I'm not sure how I feel about him yet. I do like Kurt. he's a hero as far as I'm concerned. Great story so far. I'm enjoying it.

Chapter 7

Their bodies


leaned

Chapter 8

I think you’d be better at this than me and these guys don’t want to lead.”


get there ASAP

Again, thank you for pointing out the mistakes. It's amazing what you miss when you are trying to churn out chapters quickly!

Yeah, Kurt is meant to be that ideal friend and soldier. I'm glad he's coming across like that. We shall see how you feel about Darrius AND Kurt by ACT II Chapter 1. All I can say is, to give you a reason to really keep reading, is that you probably won't be liking Darrius anytime soon. Haha

[Croswynd]

“Asset denial. The Locust are stripping cities of everything they can use. Their technology is improving and they are using our own weapons against us.”

They are should be “they’re”, to make it more realistic. Just a preference, though, so do what you will.


“as Darrius pulled a black undershirt, designed to go underneath a Gear's armour, over his head, Grayson put a finger to his ear and his eyes lost focus as he concentrated on his comm. Piece.”

Lowercase “Piece”.

Hmm. I really had to nitpick here on the grammar and stuff, because you didn’t make many mistakes, obviously. I didn’t particularly like your characterization of Marcus until they started talking about the Hammer strikes; that’s when he really got to be the Marcus we all know and love. What came before that just seemed extremely out of character, in my opinion.

As for the story, it was interesting, a nice way to sum up the state of the world after the announcement. Dialogue was average, for you, in the middle between your best and your "robotic". Coulda been more contractions and more variety in words to make some accents or something, but otherwise, it was fine. The ending was suitably cliffhanger’d, no complaints. Interested in seeing what he finds in Corren (coughSarahcough).

Let’s see summore!

[RaKais]

“Asset denial. The Locust are stripping cities of everything they can use. Their technology is improving and they are using our own weapons against us.”

They are should be “they’re”, to make it more realistic. Just a preference, though, so do what you will.


“as Darrius pulled a black undershirt, designed to go underneath a Gear's armour, over his head, Grayson put a finger to his ear and his eyes lost focus as he concentrated on his comm. Piece.”

Lowercase “Piece”.

Hmm. I really had to nitpick here on the grammar and stuff, because you didn’t make many mistakes, obviously. I didn’t particularly like your characterization of Marcus until they started talking about the Hammer strikes; that’s when he really got to be the Marcus we all know and love. What came before that just seemed extremely out of character, in my opinion.

As for the story, it was interesting, a nice way to sum up the state of the world after the announcement. Dialogue was average, for you, in the middle between your best and your "robotic". Coulda been more contractions and more variety in words to make some accents or something, but otherwise, it was fine. The ending was suitably cliffhanger’d, no complaints. Interested in seeing what he finds in Corren (coughSarahcough).

Let’s see summore!

Thank you for your honesty

Yeah, reading back on it... Marcus does seem out of character. At first, I palmed it off as him and Darrius just having this connection or Marcus taking pity on him but then I realised, he is unrealistically out of character at first and then realistically out of character after he talks about the Hammer, you know, the mix of him being slightly open about things and his usual grunty mcgrunt grunt self.

I'm sorry about not being up to scratch with dialogue... I don't know, didn't feel particularly inspired this time round but rest assured, once Darrius gets on the road to Corren, things start to get crazy

[EdieKaye]

Well, I'm finally caught up and now I have to wait for the next chapter. You do excellent descriptions. The flow is good. I really like it. I agree that Marcus is a little to talkative. Poor Clay, he's really taking a beating in this story.


Act II Chapter 2

Clay counter argument was that if that one lone man ran into any trouble,

Clay's

He felt so tense that his muscles threaten to lock up and root him to the spot,

threatened

Grayson's head appear by the bot as he climbed up the side

appeared

Chapter 3

He managed to fall completely on the last step and he near enough threw himself through the door leading to the roof

He managed to fall completely on the last step and when he was near enough he threw himself through the door leading to the roof

but one slapped him across the chest with a might crack!

mighty

Chapter 4

Some in the Coalition of Ordered Governments also seem to believed Sera is finished

believe

comm. Piece.

piece

handn't dawned on him yet.

hadn't

[RaKais]

Well, I'm finally caught up and now I have to wait for the next chapter. You do excellent descriptions. The flow is good. I really like it. I agree that Marcus is a little to talkative. Poor Clay, he's really taking a beating in this story.


Act II Chapter 2

Clay's


threatened


appeared

Chapter 3

He managed to fall completely on the last step and when he was near enough he threw himself through the door leading to the roof


mighty

Chapter 4

believe


piece


hadn't

Yeah, Clay is taking a beating, poor guy but I need him out the way for Darrius to get his butt to Corren.

Thanks for the comments and corrections, I'll sort them out when I can

[RaKais]

Hm. New chapter will be up soon-ish.

It's really hard writing Marcus! And he's only in the first few paragraphs of my chapter! >:O

[Jay the Arbiter]

So THAT's where you've been hiding.

[EdieKaye]

Hurry please!

[RaKais]

I am doing the best I can... I'm finding it hard to get the inspiration to write :O

p.s. Over 9000 views? Wow. I remember when I thought it was cool getting to 1000 views! (People using internet memes will be shot on sight.)

[EdieKaye]

I'm just hassling ya. Take your time.

[RaKais]

I know but I like having chapters out regularly to keep my viewers entertained

[SKORGE]

I know but I like having chapters out regularly to keep my viewers entertained

I used to do one every other week, and then every other something weeks and then I dropped it, and started over....... If you see that pattern, you start writing something..... immediately!

[RaKais]

Yeah, I think I would upset a lot of people if I dropped my FF lol...

[SKORGE]

Yeah, I think I would upset a lot of people if I dropped my FF lol...

I would laugh and then not say much because I've done that about two-three times now.... well more..... but yeah.....

[RaKais]

Well, this FF is roughly 30,000 words and I've become rather attached to Darrius and his escapades so I doubt I'll ever drop it.

I know what you mean though, I've dropped so many projects it's not even funny. Only 3 projects remain after the years worth of purges.

[SKORGE]

^Yeah, that does suck a lot... I've been telling myself I'll write something for Warriors or Mercenaries since last week, but alas, I've been pushing it back further. I'll do it today, and you better as well. We're going to settle this duel ol' RaKais.

So where are you at right now? And what usually gives you some inspiration? Longs walks on the beach, long walks downtown near the sky-train or getting into fights with little old ladies?

[RaKais]

Right now, I'm sitting in my room, which is in the attic. I usually sit under the slightly open window (slanted window) and just relax. It's really peaceful and coupled with some decent, inspirational music I can usually get in the mood. I dunno why I can't get in the mood right this second... I've mentioned before in a thread or two about me having problems this Summer and they weigh heavily on my mind... Hm. I don't know. It will come to me, I'm certain and once I've gotten some momentum, I'll have cracked out a chapter by tonight

Ok, let's do this SKORGIO, open up word/whatever you use right now and let's get this sh*t on the road

[SKORGE]

^Word shall open and SKORGE shall be your token to coping!

Don't let the personal stuff of life get to you man. Your doing so much better then people out there. I mean, there must be kids out there right now trying to take care of their families - who're only like ten.

Odd thing to say and the chances of what I say really doing much is slim, but the world is huge RaKais, brah. So big that at times your problems look minor once you think about it.

Clear your head, look at your problems and fears and sort them inside out. Then and only then can you breath relief, once you know what's inside your head.

Problems come and go, and all you can do is try and get past them. I'm betting you've had worst situations happen to you before, and you've gotten past those. It's a sick cycle, but what can't hurt you can only make you stronger.



I must sound whacked.....

[RaKais]

I get what you are trying to say, and I do appreciate it but believe me, I really wish my problems were an obstacle to simply get past. It's not.

What's causing my main problem is that the reason (person) behind it is so ingrained into my very being, so entwined around my life that I just can't let go so easily.. if at all.

What makes it worse is that this is a problem that can be undone, but it's out of my hands. It's so frustrating! I could have my life back but people are just so stubborn... and naive... and just... thinking they can run from their true feelings!

I need distractions. So Word is open and I'm going to try and get a large chunk of my next chapter done though atm I'm finding it really hard to keep in Marcus' character. Once I get past that stepping stone, it'll be a breeze

[Jay the Arbiter]

*Just came back from Brighton*

Sup?

I shall still await your next chapter, along with (hopefully) your DITL story.

[RaKais]

Brighton?? Where abouts do you live, Jay? I'm intrigued now :P. If you don't feel like saying it publicly, PM me.

Yeah, working on my next chapter and working on my DITL story. I don't know which one will get done first but they'll both be completed soon.

[Jay the Arbiter]

I'll let you know in a minute.

I'll await both them.

[SKORGE]

Ah I see RaKais, I've got speculations as to who this person may be to you.... Even though it seems as if there is nothing you can do, you can, always try to move on. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget, it just means you have to push forward.

Will wait for the next chapter.

[RaKais]

Ah I see RaKais, I've got speculations as to who this person may be to you.... Even though it seems as if there is nothing you can do, you can, always try to move on. Moving on doesn't mean you have to forget, it just means you have to push forward.

Will wait for the next chapter.

It's less about moving forward and more about just standing on my own two feet right now.

Should have a chapter up by tomorrow.

[SKORGE]

It's less about moving forward and more about just standing on my own two feet right now.

Should have a chapter up by tomorrow.

To stand, you must first get up.

Tomorrow eh? Well then, I better get to writing something, and then I'll beat you in the first round good sir.

[RaKais]

Haha, yeah, you probably will beat me to it. I've only written a few paragraphs...

As I have stated at least several times, Marcus is really hard to write in character but I can do it. Im actually having to write Darrius slightly out of character here because we all know how his attitude is to other people... wouldn't do well for him to emulate his attitude to Clay, to Marcus Fenix too...

[SKORGE]

Oh yeah Marcus must be hell trying to write. If it helps, check out Warpath and Snowblind etc.... Those may help when it comes to his 'Grunt, grunt, snort' type of domineer. Lol Darruis... like Baird but a bit more mild.

[Jay the Arbiter]

You don't mess with Marcus Fenix.

Forgive me for asking, but jog my memory, did you mention an SK reference?

[RaKais]

Oh yeah Marcus must be hell trying to write. If it helps, check out Warpath and Snowblind etc.... Those may help when it comes to his 'Grunt, grunt, snort' type of domineer. Lol Darruis... like Baird but a bit more mild.

Darrius is like Baird but a bit more... wild, not mild. Baird is perfectly willing to rip you a new one with some sarky insults but Darrius wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the mouth if you pissed him off enough :P

Obviously not Marcus, hence why it's quite amusing having Darrius keep his sh*t in check.

@ Jay: Infact, there is a SK reference in this next chapter. It's nothing amazing and it doesn't go into detail but... you know who it's referencing, even without directly naming them... ^^

[Jay the Arbiter]

Oh, cool.

P.S - Sent you a message.

[SKORGE]

Darrius is like Baird but a bit more... wild, not mild. Baird is perfectly willing to rip you a new one with some sarky insults but Darrius wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the mouth if you pissed him off enough :P

Obviously not Marcus, hence why it's quite amusing having Darrius keep his sh*t in check.

Hahama yeah, alright. And stop distracting me, I've still yet to open up word.......

[RaKais]

I feel this is my weakest chapter ever... but I need to get this out of the way and I can get back to what I'm actually good at. Action.

Chapter 5

COG Outpost
Garage 3A
2 days and 11 hours until Hammer of Dawn Deployment.

“...and then, bang! Half our flank was blown to sh*t. Our sniper got counter sniped and we were suddenly pressed on all sides by a Boomer... yeah, one MASSIVE Boomer and a Reaver. By the time we started retreating towards our evac point, we realised there was only a handful of them! It was too late by then, they had managed to buy some time for some more grubs to surface but... sh*t, they were trained man, trained! I've never seen Locust act so... organised.”

“Locust special forces, is that what you're sayin'? Give me a break. You sure you just couldn't see the other hostiles? Not once have we come across a handful of grubs that could match us man for man... well, grub, like what you're sayin'.”

“I'm telling you, a dozen or so of them took our squad, John's AND Dancer's squad to pieces...”

Darrius kept himself pressed flat against the wall as the two Gears retreated further and further into the distance, their voices growing weaker and weaker, echoing into the night sky.

Getting near the vehicle bay was the easiest part so far. Darrius had indeed kept his word to Grayson, he had gone for a walk around the courtyard, to stretch his aching muscles and then gone to see Clay... Of course, he had neglected to tell Grayson of the next stage of the day's plans.

Clay had been asleep the entire time but Darrius felt he had to show some respect to the man who had almost died trying to save him, so he stayed by his bedside and waited for a few hours in case he did manage the energy to wake up. Only once the sun had started to sink below the ruined cityscape had Darrius decided it was time to begin his plan.

Less than an hour later, he was ready and kitted up. He had stripped some of his armour down, removed several of the chest plates, removed the shoulder pads and took most of the leggings apart to give him maximum mobility and speed whilst still have some protection. His father's Longshot was, of course, strapped over his back ontop of a rucksack filled with supplies he would definantly need if he was to camp in the wilderness for the night. He had finished off his equipment pilfering with a hooded weatherproof cloak fastened around his neck. Not only would it help protect him from the elements but it would help camoflage him if he had to hide.

Certain the two patrolling Gears were well out of site, Darrius pushed himself away from the wall and entered the Garage.

The garage was quite empty. There was two APCs by the back doors and a single Centaur Tank had been dismantled in the center of the room, it's turret hung from chains attached to the ceiling and it's mechanical innards were strewn in a tight circle around it. Whilst it was close to midnight, he had no doubt the mechanics working on it would be back soon.

His heart sank immediately upon surveying the garage, there was no small scouting vehicle visible, except... Darrius stepped forward towards something hidden under a black tarpaulin covering.

Quickly uncovering the object, he smiled and stared at the motorcycle infront of him. Technically, it was a recon bike, designed for what the name implied, scouting or delivering messages by hand between units when communications were down. Darrius had never understood how anyone could use a noisy vehicle such as this to scout anywhere without giving the driver's position away but who was he to question such things?

Darrius circled the bike, taking in every detail. Yes, he knew how to ride one of these things. It was quite similar to his father's civilian bike. In fact, it was probably made by the same manafacturer, just different model. Indeed, the tires were heavier and thicker and most of the body work had been pulled off to decrease weight but it would serve his purposes. Swinging a leg over, Darrius sat heavily on the seat. Reaching towards the empty ignition slot, he realised he needed the key.

“F*ck.”

Frantically looking about, something glinted in the light. As luck would have it, the key was attached to a string and wrapped around the left side handlebar. A crumpled note was attached to it and scrawled in messy handwriting, Darrius could make out a cramped sentence.

'Dave, finished repairs, can't be bothered to take the key back to the motorpool offices, so I'll leave it here for you when you open up tomorrow. Cheers. Eric.'

“Thank you Eric,” Darrius said happily, snapping the key off it's string and inserting it into the ignition.

“I don't remember seeing you back on the roster.”

Darrius froze and his hand hovered around the ignition key. He knew this would happen, it had been far too easy to get to this point without any hiccups. Turning slightly, he locked eyes with Marcus Fenix and his insides clenched together. On the verge of lying outright, the ice-cool eyes burned through his confidence and left him unable to answer. Clad in full armour, he looked imposing and intimidating and he held a Lancer casually in his hands, as though it belonged there.

“I...,” Darrius trailed off under the big man's stare. Marcus took a few steps forwards until he was a mere foot away from the motorbike. “I-I just need to borrow this. I'll be back before I'm meant to be on duty.”

Marcus didn't reply, he didn't have to. He was a senior officer and had just caught one of his fellow Gears in the process of essentially deserting his unit and stealing COG property for a personal errand. It mattered not that Darrius was technically off-duty.

“You won't make it to Corren in time.”

Darrius blinked a few times. How did he know what he was planning? Was he that easy to read?

“Who said I-,” He began but again, he stopped as Marcus shook his head. He didn't even seem that angry but Darrius couldn't tell what he was thinking.

“Just put the bike back and I'll forget I saw anything,” Marcus said quietly.

“I can't. I have to do this.”

“This isn't a game,” Marcus reached over and grabbed Darrius' wrist in one hand. Darrius tried to pull his hand away but Marcus squeezed his hand slightly and he couldn't budge even an inch.

“I'm not treating it like one, Marcus,” Darrius said. “I have to do something. I know I can do something.”

Darrius ears burned slightly in embarrassement. His argument was coming across as rather childish, as though he didn't understand the full scope of what he was doing.

You don't though, do you? A small voice said in the back of his mind

“In just over two days, you'll be able to do nothing,” Marcus replied, keeping a firm grip on Darrius. “A whole city's worth of Gears can't break through Locust lines and you think you, on your own, can do that?”

“I have to try!” Darrius half shouted, his frustration boiling over. “I can't sit here and do nothing, Marcus. It will take me less than a day to reach Corren, enough time to scout about, see if I can find anyone then get out. One man could make all the difference in the world, and you know it!”

Marcus didn't reply. Darrius knew he was wondering what he was getting at, so he continued hurriedly.

“Marcus, don't look at me like I'm just some kid who doesn't know what he's doing.”

Marcus' eyebrows raised slightly but he let Darrius continue.

“You did the same thing at Aspho Fields. I know it didn't happen the way the media made out and from what you said yesterday and how you acted then, I know that it was more than just a heroic last stand on that bridge. I don't know what really happened, my dad didn't tell me much and I respect the bond he has with you and the other Gears not to tell me details like that but I don't believe for one second you don't understand what I'm trying to do. Are you telling me that you wouldn't defy your orders to try and save your best friend? Or your father? Because both of mine are out there and I'm not going to just let them die.” Darrius said, his voice almost a whisper. Marcus' eyes narrowed and Darrius could see a terrible anger contained within them. For a split second, he thought Marcus might hit him and he was suddenly afraid that trying to connect to him emotionally had backfired.

Slowly, however, Marcus' iron-grip lessened and he let his hand fall down by his side. Exhaling loudly through his nose, he pointed towards the exit doors at the back of the garage.

“I expect you to be back in two days,” Was all he said before he turned and walked away.

Darrius watched him press a finger to his ear as he reached the the outside door.

“Yeah... No... No, don't worry Dom, I'll explain later. I'll see you in five,” Marcus said as he left the Garage.

Darrius sat back on the bike and breathed a huge sigh of relief. By rights, Marcus should have hauled him away. He could have easily and Darrius wouldn't have been able to do damn thing but he had relented.

He realised he was shaking and almost laughed uncontrollably. This was twice now he had come close to apparently p*ssing the Sergeant off and he realised the idiocy of the whole thing. Marcus was the one man Darrius could honestly say he was scared of and yet, Marcus didn't go out of his way to intimidate anyone. He was a very dangerous man but also a very intelligent and, Darrius suspected, a man who cared more than he let on. He didn't need to know him to tell he would be doing the exact same thing Darrius was about to try and do.

Flicking the key and letting the engine roar into life, Darrius hoped he wasn't making a big mistake.

You are... but it's not going to stop you, is it?

[SKORGE]

“I'm not treating it like [ ], Marcus,”

Add one in the brackets.

I didn't notice anything else. But I must say you improved on the Marcus dialog a lot since the last chapter. This time it's the 'real Marcus', the one that gets his point across without having to say much. Nice work on that one, and I enjoyed the small bit between Marcus and Darruis.

Also....... Foreshadowing much?

[RaKais]

Add one in the brackets.

I didn't notice anything else. But I must say you improved on the Marcus dialog a lot since the last chapter. This time it's the 'real Marcus', the one that gets his point across without having to say much. Nice work on that one, and I enjoyed the small bit between Marcus and Darruis.

Also....... Foreshadowing much?

You mean about Marcus and his father?

Oh and btw, there is a SK reference in there... it's a bit poo but it's the first of many hehe...

[SKORGE]

Yeah, about Marcus and pappa Fenix.

I spotted the SK reference, hehe, kind of reminded me of the one I had in Dairies of the Dead. Locust SF...

[RaKais]

Yeah, about Marcus and pappa Fenix.

I spotted the SK reference, hehe, kind of reminded me of the one I had in Dairies of the Dead. Locust SF...

Hehe. One day, I will do a cross-over with the SK's and Darrius... one day... :P

[SKORGE]

And Darrius will have to die, or run away, as the SK's are too strong for a mere Human.

[RaKais]

I think there is where the problem would be... Darrius may be an exceptional sniper, potentially the best anyone has ever seen but I can't have him kill off the SK's, no matter his skill.

Nah, it would probably be an awesome chase sequence