Lesser of Two Evils [Completed]

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

This is my first fanfic so please review and criticize.

Act I-Loss
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Act II-Operation: Lifeboat
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6

Chapter One

Dizzy was just like any regular old stranded. Left by the COG to rot. He was one of the luckey oned though. He had something to hold on to. To keep him going everyday even while the rest of the world went to sh*t. What could it be, you ask? What could keep a man sane in this living hell. The answer is simple, his twin daughters, Teresa and Maralin. He felt as if he had a duty to keep them safe, no matter the cost.

10 Years After E-Day

He lay there, watching her beautiful face. So calm and peaceful. Her scarlet red hair framing her flawless face and draping down her neck. She looked like she didn't belong there. In a world where monstrous beasts killed everything they saw.

Ten years earlier the COG dropped the Hammer of Dawn in a futile attempt to stop the Locust Horde. Anyone who couldn't make it back to Ephyra was left "Stranded". In short, the Hammer killed more humans than Locust. The Horde just kept coming, and the COG fled to Jacinto.

None of that mattered to Dizzy now. His beautiful wife, Jasmine and his daughters, where the world to him.

Suddenly an explosion could be herd in the distance, breaking Dizzy out of his daze. He instantly shot up and got out of bed, grabbing his Boltak pistol under his pillow. Jasmine woke up at the same time.

"What’s going on?" she asked in her soft voice.

"I don't know yet," Dizzy replied. "Stay here."
As Dizzy walked to the door, he herd the handle move and open. He quickly aimed the pistol, ready to shoot whatever came through. To his surprise Henny, Dizzy's best friend, came through the doorway.

"Well sh*t, Henny, don't you be scarin' me like that! What the hell is going on ?" asked Dizzy.

"Its those damn Grubs," replied Henny. "They're attacking the North end of camp."

"Dammit. Listen Henny, I need you to stay here and protect my girls."

"But Diz,"

"Please Henny. Their all I got, and lets face it, Ima better shot than you,"

"Fine. Do what you gotta do. You owe me man."
At that moment Jasmine walked into the room. She had changed from her sleeping attire into her day clothes. She had a Snub Pistol in her hand.

"If they are attacking, I need to tend to the wounded," she said. Jasmine used to be a nurse back at JMC.

"Alright then le's go," Dizzy said impatiently. He hated the thought of leaving her out of his sight. At least the twins were safe with Henny. Dizzy grabbed his dusty beat up hat from the table and the shotgun that was laying by the door as he and Jasmine left the safe confines of the house.

"Good luck Dizzy. Kick some a*s for me," Henny called out.

"You know it brother," Dizzy called back to him.

Chapter 2 >>>>>

Cover by Jonesybites

[Jonesybites]

Just a few spelling errors, but nothing a readover can't cure.

Suddenely an explosion could be herd in the distance, breaking Dizzy out of his daze. He instantely shot up and got out of bed, grabbing his Boltak pistol under his pillow. Jasmine woke up at the same time.

You may want to describe some more intimate expressions concerning his relationship with his wife in the beginning, to give the reader a more personal understanding of how much she means to him...but this is just me.

[SKORGE]

Dizzy was just like any regular old stranded. left by the COG to rot.

You forgot to capitalize the 'L' in 'Left'. That was about it in the first paragraph.

10 Years After E.Day

Change this to 'E-Day' or 'Emergence Day' rather then adding a period.

"Sh*t, Henny, don't scare me like that! What the hell is going on ?" asked Dizzy.

Change up Dizzy' dialog into some southern flare, or more so like his in game character. Give him an accent. (Also, you forgot the apostrophe in don't.) Something like this...

"Well sh*t, Henny, don't you be scarin' me like that! What the hell is going on?" asked Dizzy.

"Please Henny. Thier all I got, and lets face it, Ima better shot than you,"

Alright, I read it over, it's good but a little too short. As well, try and beef up some descriptions in there. Don't leave the text hanging, describe the tone in which your characters say them and whatnot. But other then that, looking forward to more.




Red = Take out
Yellow = Add in
Cyan = Switch them around

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Just a few spelling errors, but nothing a readover can't cure.



You may want to describe some more intimate expressions concerning his relationship with his wife in the beginning, to give the reader a more personal understanding of how much she means to him...but this is just me.

got it. i will try to keep it edited to show more emotion.

You forgot to capitalize the 'L' in 'Left'. That was about it in the first paragraph.



Change this to 'E-Day' or 'Emergence Day' rather then adding a period.




Change up Dizzy' dialog into some southern flare, or more so like his in game character. Give him an accent. (Also, you forgot the apostrophe in don't.) Something like this...





Alright, I read it over, it's good but a little too short. As well, try and beef up some descriptions in there. Don't leave the text hanging, describe the tone in which your characters say them and whatnot. But other then that, looking forward to more.




Red = Take out
Yellow = Add in
Cyan = Switch them around

thanks. added your idea about diolog. will try to spruce up his diolog in the future. like i said i will edit this many times. thanks for the sugestions

[Jay the Arbiter]

Nice one, you've got it off on a good start. I trust we'll see more soon?

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Nice one, you've got it off on a good start. I trust we'll see more soon?

yes. i will get more out soon. i had written up chapter two, but i had to rewrite because it didnt "sound" right. probably get it out friday

[TheRealBigBoss]

Yeah promising start. I agree with SKORGE about the "Dizzyisims", you know, how Dizzy has these weird and unique phrases? ("Damn, it's darker then a rat's ass in here! Lemme light up Betty's titties.") I hope you include some of them to make him more... Dizzy like?

So yeah, hope to see some more Friday then.

[smurf plastic]

Besides grammatical and spelling mistakes it seems to be interesting. Try to detail it more to add more bulk to the story.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

okey i could use some help. i could use some advise on how to make a fighting sequence really good. i will keep trying but any help would be appreciated

[SKORGE]

No problem, keep going and I'll continue reading along.

[rusticangelic]

sounding good, few grammatical errors aside. Loving all fanfics btw

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

alright here is chapter two.

Chapter Two

Gunfire rang out everywhere. What was once background noise, distant and dull, was now real and close. A wide range of sounds could be heard, from the explosions created by Boomshot rounds, to blood curdling screams

Outside of houses people where calling out to family members, urging them to stay inside and away from the imminent threat. The Stranded weren't monsters like the COG led everyone to believe. They where human beings just like those COG fascists. They weren't just parasites living on the ass of society. Granted some where nothing but criminals and dissidents that disserved to be shot. Atleast that's what Dizzy thought.

Dizzy and Jasmine kept making their way toward the action. Weaving through alleyways and back streets. Their goal was like a X on a damn map. Head toward the large column of smoke and the intensifying sounds of the fight. Finally they crossed into the main street where the bulk of the fighting had taken place.

"Take care of the Fat Ones first!" yelled Gary, the leader of the Stranded camp.

Jasmine had immediately went to work. She ran toward the first group of guys taking cover behind an over turned car. Out of the three of them, one had been shot, and Jas did just what she was trained to do. Dizzy ran out and took cover behind a road block some fifteen feet away from her.

About twenty feet behind Dizzy, the Stranded had set up a Troika Machine Gun Turret. They knew how to salvage enemy tech and use it against them. The man on the turret was plowing through those damn grubs. The Stranded forces hid behind cars, road blocks, building debris, and other assorted cover. They kept hammering away at the Locust, with shotgun, Hammerburst, and assorted pistol fire. Hell someone even had a Boomshot, and took out a good many Grubs out with it.

Dizzy peeked around his cover. There was a good fifty or so Locust packed into one street. Dizzy cursed under his breath. He knew that was a sh*t load of Grubs and more kept coming out of the holes. The Stranded may of had some powerful weapons, but they weren't trained soldiers.

One of those horrid creatures rushed Dizzy's position. He gave it no second thought. Dizzy took aim with the Gnasher and squeezed the trigger. The shot had blown the Grub's leg clean off with a fountain of blood flying out its stump of an appendage. The thing was left writhing on the ground, screaming in agony.

"HaHa, don't you crawl away mad now," Dizzy said with a small smile on his face. He was in no way making light of the situation. Its just humor raised moral. Hell, to see one man smiling, while sh*t was raining down inspires people in some primal way.

Dizzy cocked the lever of his shotgun and fired at the Grub once more. This time it shut up for good. Dizzy peeked around his cover again. The Locust were holding their ground. They were to far away for him to hit them with his Gnasher. He'd just be pissing rounds if he tried. Dizzy tried to think quick. His Boltak wouldn't work. He may have been a good shot but not good enough to hit the Grubs from that distance. To his right he saw the Hammerburst that the Grub dropped. Dizzy picked it up and felt its weight. It was a heavy gun, defiantly heavier than the Gnasher.

Dizzy popped up from the safety of his cover and fired his newly acquired Hammerburst. Seven rounds shot out the barrel of the gun, and shredded their way through three Grubs.

"BOOOOOOMMM!!" shouted a Locust with a very deep voice. At that moment a Boomshot round arced through the air and landed next to the Troika. The explosion destroyed the gun and killed its operator.

"Dammit! There goes our support, fall back, FALL BACK!" Gary shouted.

That Troika had mowed down most of the Locust attackers so far. With it gone, there was nothing to hold them back. At just that moment Dizzy realized how deep the sh*t they were in was.

Suddenly the ground shook violently. Deep fissures split the street about thirty feet away from Dizzy. In an eruption of noise the building to the right of the Locust collapsed and giant spider like legs came out from the ground like demons trying to escape hell.

"OH F*CK CORPSER!" someone shouted.

By now the Stranded had spread out. Everyone running in different directions, they where definitely not trained soldiers. Explosions rang out elsewhere. Apparently the fight was spreading out through the rest of the streets.

Dizzy! Dizzy!" Jasmine yelled at him, trying to get his attention. "I have to get over there. People could be hurt."

Dizzy cursed his luck
"Fine, get goin'" Dizzy called back to her. He shifted his attention to the man next to her. "Tom, go with her." Dizzy said to him. Tom nodded back to Dizzy and they both ran off.

Dizzy could see Gary and two other men holding position ten yards away. Everyone else fled into the rest of the city. With his Hammerburst in one hand and the Gnasher in the other, he sprinted toward them at full speed. With bullets whizzing past his ears, narrowly missing him, he made it over there.

If all this sh*t was not bad enough, the next sound Dizzy heard took the cake. A long, high pitched scream let out. It was loud enough to shatter glass.

"You have to be f*cking kidding me." one man said in disbelief.

That sound was unmistakable. Berserker.

Chapter 3 >>>>>

Thats chapter two. i will try to get Chapter three up tommorow sometime.

[Jay the Arbiter]

Nice, short and sweet.

Spotted one thing though

urging them so stay inside and away from the imminent threat.

Did you mean to?

There was a bit of swapping between 1st and 3rd Person here

We knew how to salvage enemy tech and use it against them.

Might want to change that to "They" (or I have missed something?)

I will confess "trash talking" Gears/Peoples has always been a pet peeve of mine, but that's just me.

Keep it up!

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

thanks. i knew there was going to be some stuff i missed. will change that now.

[SKORGE]

Alright I didn't catch anything that Jay didn't, so it was good. One thing though, you seemed to have gone from Locust Infantry to Boomer to Corpser and then ended with a Berserker.

Way too much man. Action it may be, but way too much thrown out the window, where as you could have saved that for another chapter or so. Take it slow, work one scene at a time, don't rush out events.

Considering this was a small and short chapter, having that many events take place right after one another is a bad move.

Other then that, good job. Just try to keep it low next time, and don't overwhelm us and the characters. Stick with what you've got; Stranded. So, having all that rush normal stranded would be overkill. (Considering it's one hell of a fight for a squad of experienced Gears)

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Alright I didn't catch anything that Jay didn't, so it was good. One thing though, you seemed to have gone from Locust Infantry to Boomer to Corpser and then ended with a Berserker.

Way too much man. Action it may be, but way too much thrown out the window, where as you could have saved that for another chapter or so. Take it slow, work one scene at a time, don't rush out events.

Considering this was a small and short chapter, having that many events take place right after one another is a bad move.

Other then that, good job. Just try to keep it low next time, and don't overwhelm us and the characters. Stick with what you've got; Stranded. So, having all that rush normal stranded would be overkill. (Considering it's one hell of a fight for a squad of experienced Gears)

thanks. i was going for the "OH SH*T" factor. to get it in the readers head that they might not make it.

i intended for the corpser to turn the other way and just cause havok. it showing up was the turning point in the fight. every one scattered when it showed up.

the berserker will be prominenetly displayed in the begening of chapter 3

sorry if i put to much though. lol i used spell and grammer check before posting this time

[SKORGE]

Good, good, spell check works. (Not always, take a look at me)

Anyway, I know you wanted it to go for a 'big bang', but you needed to space it out so that each new introduction would provide it's own 'Oh sh*t' moments.

Continue man, and no need to apologize, just happens.

[RaKais]

Pretty good, aside from grammatical errors.

I'd agree with SKORGE about splitting the action up. Yes, throwing everything at your characters is awesome. Hell, thats why it made its way into your fan fic, right? But if you throw a corpser, a sh*t tonne of grubs, a boomer, a beserker etc etc in the first major fight... then you'll have to top that at the next major climatic event and so on and so forth until it gets boring and fast.

The reason it works with Delta in the Gears universe is because basically, they are the worlds best soldiers. Basically, it works with Delta because it's easier to believe that they could pull it off. After all, they are saving the day. If anyone with a gun could do it, I doubt mankind would be losing the war.

Not to say other characters can't do the same in any given situation but repeatedly?... it just doesn't feel... right? Meh, I don't know.

Still, I do like your idea. Dizzy is pretty awesome and I await your next chapter.

[SKORGE]

^Exactly.

If everyone with a gun could do what Delta does, then the humans would have won long ago.

Think of it like this, there needs to be balance in that world of yours. Give your character some vices (negatives) and some positives. What is he good at, and what does he lack? Once you've done that, then stick with that, so if Dizzy tends to overshoot the Lancer, show that, if he is an excellent shot with the Gnasher, show that.

But the end result will be him, being one and one with the environment. Make him human, show his faults and expertise.

Remember, you are the writer. You have all the time in the world. Play with it a little, and this is your world. Try to make the characters, develop them some more, because this is only chapter two. It's okay to do that.

[Jay the Arbiter]

You could always make use of Redshirts as well, they're always fun to kill off.

[RaKais]

Or... you can always kill off an important character :O

Shocking I know, but thats the point.

*Evil laugh* I have plans for my story in that aspect

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Or... you can always kill off an important character :O

Shocking I know, but thats the point.

*Evil laugh* I have plans for my story in that aspect

i was planning on that. who could it be i wonder.
*insert evil laugh here*

[Jonesybites]

It's picking up just a bit, but at the same time, don't lose the dissidence between the reality that Dizzy will eventually have to face, to save that which he holds dear.

I mentioned before to elaborate on what it is that keeps Dizzy going, because it is the primary catayst that compels him to eventually make the decision to become a trascript...his love for his wife and children.

Granted it's only the second chapter, but it feels like the pace of the story is moving rather fast. I dunno, I guess I'll wait till you post a few more chapters before I can come to a substantial conclusion on the pace.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Sorry for the long wait. this chapter is pretty long.

Chapter 3

There the Berserker was, running full speed at them. Her thunderous foot steps shook the ground with every step.

“Sh*t, get out of the way!” shouted Gary desperately. He was obviously panicking now.

The four of them turned and ran. One of the Stranded tripped and fell face first into the concrete. He tried to get up but it was too late. The Berserker gave him a massive right hook. He flew twenty feet and slammed into a brick wall. He was splattered against it like a bug on a windshield.

“F*ck this man,” the other Stranded said. He ran to the left, trying to get away. Like waving a flag at a bull, it only grabbed the Berserker’s attention. She charged at him and easily caught up. She swiped at him with the back of her gigantic hand, pinning him up against the wall. She then grabbed him by the shoulder and picked him up over her head. With her other hand she grabbed the Stranded by the waist and pulled him apart. He split in half with his intestines and other organs spilling out of him.

Dizzy and Gary opened fire on the Berserker in a futile attempt to kill her. Each bullet glanced off her armor, not even leaving a scratch. She turned and faced then.

“She looks angry,” whispered Gary.

Somewhere in the distance, Dizzy could hear the sounds of rotor blades, the signature sound of the COG King Raven. The Stranded had to hold out just a little longer.

The Berserker charged Dizzy and Gary. Dizzy’s instincts told him to get out of the way and he listened. He and Gary rolled away just in time. The Berserker kept going and slammed into a building behind them. She turned around seemingly unfazed by the fact that half of the building was coming down on her. She climbed out of the debris and charged in the direction she thought she thought the two Stranded where in.

Just before Dizzy could even think to move out of the way, a sudden explosive blast knocked him and Gary down. Dizzy felt like had been hit by a truck. His eardrums felt like knives where driving into them. His head felt like it was being pounded by a sledgehammer. His vision was still blurred, and he couldn’t see the Berserker anywhere. Dizzy looked around for her. His head was pounding so hard that he felt like he might black out. His vision slowly focused. In the last place Dizzy saw the Berserker lay a smoldering creator. Movement caught his eyes. He saw the Berserker staggering to her feet. She had large chunks of her armor like skin missing, reveling grayish pink flesh underneath. She got up and charged again, but this time not at Dizzy. Her target was a Centaur tank about twenty meters down the road.

The massive tank fired again. The blast sent the Berserker flying back. The shell hit her dead on but somehow she got back up. She stumbled down to one knee but still screaming her head off.
Dizzy couldn’t understand how she could take two tank shells and still get back up.

“Whoo, she’s feisty. Must be her time of the month,” Dizzy said while trying to pull himself upright.

At that moment three King Ravens flew over head. One opened fire on the Berserker with its chain gun. With most of her armor gone, the bullets just ripped into her exposed flesh.

Apparently that did it. She fell to the ground with a hard thud and this time she didn’t get back up.

Up the street one of the Ravens touched down and dispatched a Gear squad.

“Sh*t Dizzy, we’d be dead right now if I wasn’t for those guys,” Gary said in disgust. He didn’t want anything to do with the COG and definitely didn't‘t want them near his camp.

“Ya, sh*t,” replied Dizzy.

The Centaur rolled passed them. Dizzy guessed that the Corpser was its next target.

Suddenly something pinged in Dizzy’s mind. Jasmine. He had to find her, and make sure she was safe. Dizzy took off toward the distant fighting where she most likely was. He could hear Gary calling after him but Dizzy ignored him.

Dizzy ran through the streets at top speed. He came across the ruins of a building destroyed in the Corpser’s rampage through the city. Dizzy could hear gunfire on the other side, and he could see one of the King Ravens circling over head. It would take too long and use up too much energy to go over the wreckage so Dizzy decided to go around.

Once Dizzy was about half way around the destroyed building, something hit him like a brick sh*t house. He hit the ground hard, losing his hat in the process. Dizzy turned around onto his back to face his attacker. It was a Locust Drone, weaponless and missing an arm. The Grub had been hiding behind some rubble, waiting to strike something that came into its line of sight. It had a look of bloodlust in its white eyes. The foul disgusting creature wanted to take out any human it could before succumbing to its wounds. Dizzy reached for his Hammerburst laying next to him. He grabbed it, aimed and fired. No bullets came out of the gun, instead a sharp clicking sound.

“Gat dang it, outa ammo,” Dizzy said in a pissed off tone. He needed his Gnasher more than ever. Dizzy winced as he remembered he had dropped it when running away from the Berserker.

“Gaaaaaaaahhhhhh!” the Locust bellowed as it charged at Dizzy. Being on the ground, he was in a bad position. He rolled out of the way from a boot to the skull. Dizzy got up and shoulder rammed into the Grub. Knocking it down was tough, like hitting a brick wall, but the Grub fell. Dizzy bounced back a couple feet and caught his balance. Close quarters with the Grub sent a horrible scent up Dizzy’s nose.

“Sh*t, you smell worse than rotten ass!” Dizzy exclaimed.

In one quick movement he upholstered his Boltak pistol and fired into the Grubs chest. It fell backward, but it was still alive. Dizzy ran up, spun his Boltak around and gripping it by the barrel, and brought the butt of the gun down on the Grubs head.

Explosions in the distance caught Dizzy’s attention. He saw the Corpser perched on top of a building, swatting at two King Ravens circling it. They where firing their chain guns at it to no affect. Suddenly an explosion hit the Corpser. Obviously the Centaur had shot it. It staggered and slid a couple floors down the side of the building. The monster jumped into the air in an attempt to hit one of the Ravens. One of its eight claws hit a Raven and it spun out of control into the streets below. Dizzy heard the Centaur shoot again and the sounds the Corpser made stopped.

Dizzy picked up his hat and returned to his task of getting around the ruined building. Once he got around the rubble he could see the action.

The Gears where sure giving the Locust hell. The Grubs numbers where severely lowered. Only a handful of them left. Dizzy could see Jasmine kneeling over someone and trying to bandage his wound. Tom was next to her firing his shotgun at the Locust.

Dizzy started running over to them. He was amazed at how twenty Gears where able to completely decimate the Locust. Three more Grubs went down. Two Ravens where raining hell down on the enemies. An entire column of the damn Grubs dropped like rocks. Dizzy got behind a car twenty five feet away from Jasmine. He looked out and watched as even more Drones fell. Dizzy turned toward Jasmine. She glanced over to him and gave him a thumbs up. Somehow she knew that everything was going to be all right.

A shot rang out. Tom fell to the ground clutching his neck. Blood squirting out between his fingers.

“Sniper!” yelled one Gear.

Jasmine ran to Tom’s aid. Dizzy screamed at her, telling her to get back into cover. She couldn’t hear him over all the gunfire. Another shot rang out.

In that one split second, time stopped. What happened next appeared to Dizzy like a slow motion video. Jasmine was hit in the chest. The bullet exited her back with a large splatter of blood.

That one second of time felt like hours. Dizzy’s mind was blank. No emotions, no thoughts whatsoever. He was just watching, waiting for it to end. In an instant it all came back. The sounds, the sights, the situation. It all came back except the emotions. They seemed to filter back slowly. Dizzy just stood there staring at his wife laying in a pool of her own blood. Suddenly Dizzy was overcome with only one emotion. Rage.

Dizzy flung himself out of cover and ran at the Locust position. He saw the sniper easily identified by its orange goggles. It was one of the last Locust left standing. You could count all the Grubs still alive on one hand, but Dizzy didn’t care about them. He had one target on mind. He had it in his sights and sprinted at it full speed. Dizzy bum rushed the bastard and before it could retaliate, Dizzy slammed it to the ground. He got on top of it and just unloaded with all he had, punching the sniper in the face over and over again. The thing couldn’t even fight back because Dizzy had it pinned.

Dizzy just let out a long drawn out yell. Grunting with every strike to the Grubs head. Its skull started to crunch and shatter. Is was obviously dead but Dizzy kept wailing on it. Dizzy’s hands where bruised and broken but that did not detour him. He kept punching it even after its head was nothing but mush and his fists started hitting the concrete underneath.

Just then two pairs of arms pulled him off.

“Let me go. I wanna kill em all!” Dizzy shouted.

“It’s over Dizzy,” said a familiar voice. It was Gary. “Dizzy, I’m….” his voice trailed off.

For the first time Dizzy could feel warm tears falling down his face and soaking his beard.

The fight was over. Dizzy slumped next to a car. He could barely hear the voices in the background. The Gears had left. Their job was done. Dizzy could only make out a couple people talking. Something about getting the lights on, the kyrll would be out soon, and other bull sh*t.

Sure Dizzy survived that day but at what cost. His wife, his love, his entire world, was gone.

<<<<< Chapter 2

Chapter 4 >>>>>

[Jay the Arbiter]

“Whoo, she’s feisty. Must be her time of the month,” Dizzy said while trying to pull himself upright.

Oh Dizzy, you and your taunts.

They don't make Locust like they used to.

Sorry I rambled there. Good chapter, everything seemed in order.

[Jonesybites]

^No, no, it's "She must be on the rag!" or "Whoe, Aunt Flow's in town!"

Lol, nah, this chapter isn't long...you haven't seen, long...anyhoot, it's coming along nicely, just a few grammar errors but nothing disasterous.

[RaKais]

What do you consider long, Jonesy?

Another story I'm writing, the first chapter is 12,000 words, the second is 10,000 and it evens out like that the entire way through.

Here? My chapters are between 1500 and 2000 words because I don't think people would want to sit and read 12,000 words in one go lol.

[SKORGE]

What do you consider long, Jonesy?

Another story I'm writing, the first chapter is 12,000 words, the second is 10,000 and it evens out like that the entire way through.

Here? My chapters are between 1500 and 2000 words because I don't think people would want to sit and read 12,000 words in one go lol.

*Cough*26,000 - 36,000*Cough*

That's her normal range, seriously! Take a look at Snowblind, altogether that's hell of a piece!

[Jay the Arbiter]

Hey, it dwarfed Ascension, and at the time, I felt a bit embarrassed writing that much.

[Jonesybites]

What do you consider long, Jonesy?

Another story I'm writing, the first chapter is 12,000 words, the second is 10,000 and it evens out like that the entire way through.

Here? My chapters are between 1500 and 2000 words because I don't think people would want to sit and read 12,000 words in one go lol.

Well, according to Word, my longest chapter came out to roughly 9,000 words...I was averaging, out of 44 chapters, 6,000 words, give or take...and there are some other fics that have 4,000 word chapters, although I've read so many, I cannot for the life of me remember which one's.

Anyhoot, as SKORGE mentioned, if you don't believe me, click on the Snowblind link on my sig...

[RaKais]

Oh no, I do believe you. I was just wondering lol

[Croswynd]

Hmm, it was interesting and had a lot of potential to be pretty epic and a good insight into Dizzy's backstory. However, I felt it fell a little short of the mark. The idea was excellent, but the execution was a little less so. There were words mispelled left and right, sentences that could've been combined, the events were all packed in too tight. In the 3 or so chapters you just did, it could have been stretched out a ton.

Well, now that the bad stuff is out of the way, let me tell you what I liked! The dialogue was, mostly, excellent. Dizzy could have been a little more "Southern" than you made him, but I think you did a pretty good job of it anyhow. I liked the bit at the end where the times stopped as Jasmine died. It evoked emotion and really seemed a step up above the rest of the writing.

Just stretch our your chapters, get a little better with the Spell checker and you'll shape up into a great author, man. Oh, and is this the end? If not, I want moar!

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Thanks for the input. I know for a fact that I am not a good writter. But the other day I read through this fro a different standpoint, as if I was reading someone else's story. I found out most of the facts you stated. Heck I think I need to completely rewrite the first chapter. Its short and not as compelling as I wanted it to be. Bit I also found out that with each chap. I'm getting better too. Thats no excuse to get over confident and I will be more criticle in the future.

Anyway I'm glad you liked it. And yes I am planning to keep this going its just I havent had the time lately. I will get Ch.4 written up soon I promise. Probably next weekend or so now that I'm out for the summer.

[TheRealBigBoss]

Up to chapter two, yes, I know... I'm a slow reader...

"Take care of the Fat Ones first!" yelled Gary

Lol, I lol'ed... poor Boomers, now people are making fun of their weight problems?

At that moment a Boomshot round arcked through the air and landed next to our Troika. The explosion destroyed the gun and killed its operator.

"arcked" should be "arced". Ohh, and why does it say "our" Troika? That seems off since the chapters not written as first person.

Yeah, basically I agree with what the others were saying about having too much packed into it. Fifty drones, a Corpser and a Berserker? Lol, even Delta might have problems with that.

Anyways, I like it so far, Dizzy's pretty cool. And I hope you start exploring the personalities of some of the the stranded soon. I'm moving on to chapter three now.

[SKORGE]

Why would you tell him that Boss? He'll turn into a damn Stranded fanboy and then I would have to track him down, break his computer and rape his village of all it's resources!

[TheRealBigBoss]

^ Hmm... something tells me he's already a stranded fanboy.

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Up to chapter two, yes, I know... I'm a slow reader...



Lol, I lol'ed... poor Boomers, now people are making fun of their weight problems?




"arcked" should be "arced". Ohh, and why does it say "our" Troika? That seems off since the chapters not written as first person.

Yeah, basically I agree with what the others were saying about having too much packed into it. Fifty drones, a Corpser and a Berserker? Lol, even Delta might have problems with that.

Anyways, I like it so far, Dizzy's pretty cool. And I hope you start exploring the personalities of some of the the stranded soon. I'm moving on to chapter three now.

Lol they remind me of Fat B*stard from Austin Powers. Idk why but.....

Hmm that must be something that spellcheck missed. One of my horrible quirks is that I cant spell for crap.
Ya in that chaoter there was alot of things I missed. Jay also pointed out a first/third person error. Will edit that later.

And yes I plan to expand on the other Stranded characters. The next chapter Im using different writing style. Eg. not focusing on Dizzy the whole chapter. All Henney has is a few lines in Ch1 and Gary just helps Dizzy fight a Berserker. You can expect more character expansion.

[Jonesybites]

Yea, spellcheck is only relaible to an extent...

...the good thing is that the site will let go back and edit it when the readers point out the errors. It's difficult editing your own work, but I notice a progression when the more you write, the more you improve story telling and pay more attention to the little things.

[SKORGE]

^ Hmm... something tells me he's already a stranded fanboy.

Jesus, they seem to pop up from nowhere. It seems I must gather and assemble and elite team, all comprised of loyal followers who shall devote themselves to the hunting and elimination of such active threats around the forums.

I shall call them - Project Extermination

[Sgt. Grub k1ller]

Jesus, they seem to pop up from nowhere. It seems I must gather and assemble and elite team, all comprised of loyal followers who shall devote themselves to the hunting and elimination of such active threats around the forums.

I shall call them - Project Extermination

Um.............I got a shotgun. Does that discourage the fearsome SKORGE?