Rising Up - A Gears of war Fan Fic

[Cog Edward]

Jesus. I can't wait to finish this and go to Beginning of the End 2. I think I do better at human fan fics. Tell me what you guys think. And don't be afraid to let it out.

[Jonesybites]

Jesus. I can't wait to finish this and go to Beginning of the End 2. I think I do better at human fan fics. Tell me what you guys think. And don't be afraid to let it out.

You'd have to give me a couple of weeks on that one...I haven't read Beginning of the End.

[Cog Edward]

Take your sweet time.

[USRangerJohn]

I liked it a lot. I saw a lot of improvements over the last chapter I read. For one the descriptions sound awesome. I liked how this chapter flowed much better and painted a much more vivid picture in my mind than the previous one. It kept my interest and showed how well written it could be. My only suggestion is make the descriptions fit into fewer words and shorter sentences. Some of those sentences appear to long. You don't need to make them that long at all. Shorter sentences with just as much description will only continue to improve your writing.

As for gore, I always enjoy putting in bloody messes for my readers to enjoy so I won't tell you to stop. I loved how interesting and exciting the deaths were. I especially loved the one where the locust dug its fingers into the soldiers skull. That is outrageous and so cool. One thing I would suggest is to make sure you think about how important it is to describe someones death. Some will be more important than others and need that extra lines to describe. You should make sure that each and every death serves a purpose. It could be as important as plot line or as normal as describing the slaughter make sure you show who's deaths are more important.

If you need some examples look at Hoffman's Hell for a good idea of what I'm talking about.

[Cog Edward]

I liked it a lot. I saw a lot of improvements over the last chapter I read. For one the descriptions sound awesome. I liked how this chapter flowed much better and painted a much more vivid picture in my mind than the previous one. It kept my interest and showed how well written it could be. My only suggestion is make the descriptions fit into fewer words and shorter sentences. Some of those sentences appear to long. You don't need to make them that long at all. Shorter sentences with just as much description will only continue to improve your writing.

As for gore, I always enjoy putting in bloody messes for my readers to enjoy so I won't tell you to stop. I loved how interesting and exciting the deaths were. I especially loved the one where the locust dug its fingers into the soldiers skull. That is outrageous and so cool. One thing I would suggest is to make sure you think about how important it is to describe someones death. Some will be more important than others and need that extra lines to describe. You should make sure that each and every death serves a purpose. It could be as important as plot line or as normal as describing the slaughter make sure you show who's deaths are more important.

If you need some examples look at Hoffman's Hell for a good idea of what I'm talking about.

Sweet, thanks John. I'll take a look at Hoffman's Hell when I get the chance!

[USRangerJohn]

I would look at it as I think you will see a lot of your style in it.

[Cog Edward]

Feels like a long time I have even typed a chapter, so it will be rusty and nasty, please, any critics are appreciated. (Yes, it is short, mostly because it's the end of act 2)
Chapter 16: Falling

The hydra that the three Blood Seekers were riding in lead the perfectly past the inner hollow and into the nexus.

"One crate? What has happened to our magnificent tactics, Seekers?" Asked the worried Reluk. He knew that Colonel Jarnix would not be satisfied with this. But even worse, he knew that they had failed the Queen. "What shall Jarnix say about this?" Continued the Theron.

"Calm your self, we were able to capture one crate, that is good enough to destroy one Lambent city!" Said Venju in a relaxed tone trying to ease Reluk.

"I, personally, would have enjoyed destroying more than one city of those glowing traitors!" Barked Kuntent as he laid back on the hydra and thought of what that would be like, only to chuckle.

"Shut yourself drone!" Boomed Reluk as he turned to face Venju and Kuntent. "Not only did we manage to abandon two of the crates, but two of our own have fallen to the dark demonic hands of the humans!" Hissed the theron as he put his back towards them again managing the ride.

After a while of flying around, they finally reached their destination as the awaiting boomers and drones helped take the crate towards its place of guard.

"Just one?" Asked a drone.

"Quiet yourself, if you know what is good for you." Demanded Reluk as he walked alongside his fellow Blood Seekers and towards their leader, who was at their head quarters.

The three walked their way into their place of solitude as the colonel heard them before they walked into the room.

"What news do you bring forth?" Questioned Jarnix as he dropped the scrolls that he was dealing with to turn towards them.

"My leader." Stuttered Reluk as he bowed his head in embarrassment. "We were only able to achieve a third of our goal."

Jarnix grinned as he made a fist and then breathed heavily. "And what of Kendron and Rouhk?"

"Dead, colonel." Answered Reluk whos hearts were pumping faster than ever.

The colonel took a seat and took time to analyse what the theron had just said. He skin, burning with anger and his mind hurting from stress. He took a few deep breaths before standing up and starring Reluk straight in the eyes, almost testing him, seeing if he would crack like a weak floor.

"You, will be my right hand theron from now on forth. If you ever so fail me again, your head will be my next boot, understood?" Whispered Jarnix not wanting the other two to understand what was going on.

Reluk only shook in fright as he nodded and walked back before being stopped by words.

"Zumn is out of injury now. Go and check on him. He is at the fields practicing his accuracy." Shouted Jarnix turning towards his desk and finally revealing his anger. He threw all the scrolls to the ground and made a few holes in the wall with his fists. The wall had no match for Jarnix's anger as the walls cracked and boomed louder throughout the hollow. His nice little head quarters were quickly turned into a punching zone for Jarnix's amusement. "You want something done right," Sighed Jarnix as he held his fist up towards his face, bloody and with blisters. "You have got to do it for yourself." Jarnix then put on his armor and weapons as he left the head quarters.

[SKORGE]

Damn dude, that looks pretty short... Still, will get to it soon.

[Cog Edward]

Yeah, It's because it's the end of act II.

[Jonesybites]

Argh, I read this like six months ago...now I have to go back and refresh. Speaking of which, you may want to have something of a recap in the beginning of the chapters, but this is merely a suggestion.

[Cog Edward]

Nah, all you gotta do is read the last 3 or 2 chapters. It's all that matters pretty much.