lol and again adding dialouge from the game is always great
Good but could be better
Not that good
lol and again adding dialouge from the game is always great
yeah i know.and it couldnt possibly be perfect cuz its a different story,in the game carmine wasnt there,in the story he was
yea and like I said its great it changed my views on Carmine a bit
im making two more chapters after 8 and i can just give a hint that NO ONE will guess the end,no one
not quite,just wait till it comes and hold in ur guesses
I uh...I think I know the end.
But I wont tell. Oh! Wait, I remember we discussed it. So unless you changed your idea, yeah, I know the ending. Woo!
Jfab, Im issuing an Epic-style cease and desist pertaining to pwning the forums. Or at least leave off with something I can say that doesnt sound st00pid. lol. O.o
It's remarkable how you can put Carmine into these places without completely changing the story. If the sniper shot at the House of Sovereigns had been a little off, this could have been entirely possible. Great work, man.
Excellent chapter, some grammatical issues, but still very, very good. Don't give up writing when you're finished with this. When's the next chapter coming?
thanks guy.idk when its going to be done,im very busy but its probably going to be done and up tuesday or tomorrow idk we will have to see
well now im not going to shake anymore, dont want to look desperate lol
ok,im going to work my ass off and finish chapter 9 by tonight if u guys want it
lol alright alright calm down boy
okay finally i finsihe dit and my reveiw is as follows:
great job! it was a good read and nice action. the humor was funny, not forced and blended with the action. Carmien whiel mayeb a bit oo powerful wasnt a god. he becaem afraid an dtired among other things. the corpser fight was good but a bit too short as Carmine was so confident and killed it so fast. it was really cool how carmien saw the aftermath of the games battle grounds. one fo the few things that really bugged me is that all the locals in the game were really close and easily walkable. why would delta bother with cars and choppers when ti was a ten min walk? fightign RAAM was cool although i think he woudl ahve stood and fought. the scene at the hosue was really good and beleivable. i like hwo he didnt kill the brumak and am really lookign forward to finding otu who his gaurdian angel is. great job and awsome action! it was definatly worth the read
Tmack do you have aim? if so want ot add me? im The Evil Hat1992 if you do.
thanks.its really really hard to follow the trail of them and try to make the experience he faces even better,plus i cant play out the campain until i get my 360 back so i have to get all of it from my head.plus i had to try and make it seem like he has to hurry up and catch up to them.
well i worked my ass of and im exhausted.i hope you all like it,its probably the longest chapter,i think it is.
well i hope you liked it
Carmine sat exhaustidly laying on the floor of the raven looking out into the setting sun. Baird was staring at Carmine looking confused. He began to speak. "Hey Carmine. How many locust did you run into through your little journey?" "Well, more than I can count. And my journey may have only taken a day and a half but you dont realize how hard it is to take on that many locust alone. I even killed a corpser. So next time, I wouldnt really consider this a little journey pal."
"Bull**** you killed a corpser. No one can take one of those alone." "Well I did so I guess that proves you wrong." "Do you have any proof?" "Yeah actually I do." Carmine grabbed his guns off of his back and rolled over, showing them the huge scratch from the corpser." "Wow. How did you kill it?" Cole said with a surprised look. "I used my last grenade on it by getting it in its lower sack. Works preety well. And I also found a dead corpser down there. You guys killed it right?"
"Marcus and Dom did, me and Cole wer'nt with them." Carmine started to raise his voice. "Oh and thanks for leaving that damn Brumak for me to have to outrun on foot." "Well what were we supposed to do, sit there and fight it? Hell no." Baird replied. " You guys just dont realize that I have basically had to follow your direct footsteps to get to you. All because of those damn locust opening their hole right on me by the House of Sovereigns. So how did you guys end up in Delta?"
"We were from Alpha but our squad died along with yours, except Marcus and Dom." Cole said. " So you mean Lt. Kim died?" "Im afraid so." Baird said with a sorrowful expression on his face. Carmine fell silent and put his legs outside of the raven and looked at the surroundings. The train was still not in sight but there was a nice view of the city. For the first time since before E-Day, it seemed peaceful.
"How did he die?" Carmine asked with a low voice, showing no expression. "This really big drone killed him. He looked like their leader or somebody important." Baird said. Carmine knew who he was talking about. It was that damn locust whos causing all of this train trouble in the first place. Carmine slowly removed his mask and put it beside him. His brown hair blew in the wind. He turned around and looked at Cole and Baird.
"Drop me off on the train when we reach it." "Why? We can just stay on and Marcus and Dom will get the job done." Baird asked. "Im killing that locust." "How do you know he will be on it?". "I was following that ***** since I was about to leave the caverns. He spoke like us. I understood him. He knows about the train." "Everyone knows about the train baby!" Cole said in a joyous laugh. Both Carmine and Baird looked at him. "Cole shut up." Baird screamed. "Wait what? How does everyone know about the train?" " Dont listen to him. Hes talking about himself. Its his nickname."
"Im the Cole Train baby!" "Im sure you are." Carmine said, turning back around with a very confused look. The pilots looked back on the gears. "Hey guys, sit tight, were getting followed by some reavers." Carmine popped his head out into the blowing air, rushing into his face as he looked to their rear. Four reavers were following their tail about to move in to strike.
He pulled himself back in the raven and looked to Cole and Baird. "Alright theres four of them. Lets get ready. Shut the doors and mount the turrets." They quickly did what Carmine said, knowing that if they wer'nt on the turrets, they would easily be shot out of the sky. Two of the reavers quickly moved up, one on each side.
Carmine quickly mounted the left turret and Baird got on the right. As the reavers began to come really close to the raven, the therons mounted on the back got ready to aim their tourque bows. It would not be good if the raven was shot by the deadly little arrow. If so, within two seconds, the arrow would explode causing major damage to wherever it hit. So much packed into such a tiny thing, Carmine thought.
The ravens pilot's began to swerve it left and right to try and evade the incoming torque arrows. Luckily, the first shots flew right past the copter. Carmine and Baird bagan to fire back at the flying pigs. The left reaver went down, sending the theron and the rider falling helplessly to their deaths.
"Hey Baird, hows it going over there? Did you get him yet?" Carmine asked while taking a look to see if the next reaver was moving in. " The bastard keeps dodging my shots." It was horrible, Baird did not get one shot at him and was very off. Cole noticed and did not want to take the chance that they could be hit so he decided to take over the turret.
"Baird let me on." "Why? I'll get him, dont worry." Cole did not care or want the risk. "Hand it over Baird, im not going to have the chance of getting hit." Baird looked embarrassed as he stepped off. "Fine Cole. Ill get off." He walked over to the bench and sat down.
Cole wasnt a bad shot. He got the reaver down preety quickly. Carmine felt more comfortable with him on the turret. As the third reaver moved up to the left side, Carmine quickly reacted and started to fire. This rider on the reaver seemed to know more of what he was doing. He swerved back and forth and moved up and down. "Damn, this guys all over the place!"Carmine screamed.
Baird sat silent on the bench then looked up with a bright look. " Wait, open the door!" "Are you crazy Baird? That will get us all killed!" Carmine said with a harsh tone. Baird walked up to Carmine with an object in his hands. Carmine glanced down down and noticed a rusted torque bow in Bairds hands. Baird stared into Carmines eyes. "Trust me, I can do this." Carmine knew he wasnt joking. "Alright. Dont miss or we will be as good as dead."
Carmine quickly ripped open the left door for Baird to take his shots. Baird looked at Carmine and gave him a quick nod, then held up his bow and began to take aim. Baird started to shake, it was a preety hard shot to get from all of the moving. Baird flew back from his shot that landed precisely into the reavers back.
It was glorious to watch it blow up, leaving nothing but black gas in its trace. The last reaver quickly moved in to try and take them down in a final attack. It stealthily went directly under the raven and started to move up. This was a perfect time for the theron to shoot at the raven. "Baird, get it!" Carmine said with a worried tone.
Baird slowly and carefully went over to the opened door and layed on the hard, metal ground of the raven. He glanced down to see the theron aiming up. Baird swung the torque out looking down at them. As he tried to hold it and aim at the same time, the raven tried to dodge the theron, causing baird to loose grip on the tourque bow that crashed down onto the therons head, luckily giving them some time to hit him while he was stunned.
"Carmine! Hand me your lancer!" Carmine quickly gave Baird the lancer the he gripped tightly in his palms. He took shots all over, flying left and right of the reaver. "Pilot! Dont swerve. We are trying to take a shot!" The pilot steadied the raven to stay nice and straight. Baird got the perfect chance to hit the theron which he did so. Bullets hit both the rider and theron as all was left was a bare reaver that was harmless without anyone to control it.
Baird and Carmine sat up in relief. "We did it." Baird sighed, relieved that the harm was gone. The pilot on the right began to speak. "Nice shooting guys, the train is straight ahead. Did you say you want us to drop you off?" "Yeah, drop me off." Cole and Baird looked at Carmine. "Be careful" Cole said. "Ill be alright, dont worry."
nice job and nice action! cool T-bowing. only thing is make a new paragraph for each speaker. just woundering, are you goign to change what happens in thje game? will carmien kill RAAM?
you will just have to wait and see what happens!
lol well im not going to just give away the ending,that would ruin the whole thing
yup 10 is the last one
OOOHHH i think i know whats going to happen, Carmine is going to try and kill RAAM or save either Dom or Marcus from dying and gets killed by RAAM, therefore completing the circle that Carmine actually has to die
there are a couple of things that may happen but that is something that a lot of people are expecting
I liked it, Mack. The dialouge needs to be spaced out, but that isnt much of a problem. Good dialouge, though.
And I like how they were agruing about Carmine's victories.
A few spelling errors, but none to note beyond the growingly popular 'preety', which was in the sentence 'Cole was a preety good shot..'
I cant wait for the conclusion...I want to see how badass Carmine gets against RAAM. Maybe he'll jump down there and cockslap RAAMs head off.
lmao how ironic would it be if i get him down there and hes about to attack raam then his head gets popped off by a locust sniper that is on a reaver
lol...ouch. That would be an unexpected, though strong ending.
But I still like my idea. It would explain the gohnorrea on RAAM's face.
lmao that would be such a ghetto ending,u think you could make that comic u said u might?
Yeah, when I finish what Im writing. I write everyday when I get home for two to three hours, with little pockets of breaks inbetween. Like right now. Ive got two thousand words done since 3:00. w00t.
man looks like ill be home for about a week or two, sprained my ankle playing basketball, looking foward to what is comming out next
some of you may be wondering when the final installment will be released. the answer is probably tomorrow which is monday.ive been very very busy working on my halo 2 series getting that out and everything so i havnt had the time but i will get it done and out tomorrow night so get ready for it
Yay, the last chapter is nearly here, I've been looking forward to this one for a while.
It's all about 'dem Super Carmine Bros.
Well...Here is the final installment to the tale.i hope youve enjoyed this story
It All Hits The Fan
Carmine slowly lifted himself off of the hard metal floor of the train as it quickly moved down the tracks. Carmine had to hurry. There wasnt much time before Marcus and Dom would be facing the strange locust general that knew they were coming. As he charged past the large crates, he realized he was swimming into a bloodbath. Locust bodies covered the floor.
"Marcus and Dom cleaned up preety good" Carmine thought to himself as he leaped over a blood covered drone. As Carmine reached the circular air tubes in the front of the end cart, he noticed three theron's lying on the floor. Carmine knew it would be useful to have one of their tourqe bows, so he grabbed one and latched it on his back.
Carmine quickly ran through the open door in which Marcus and Dom had opened, going to the next cart. The room was filled with dead, glowing wretches. As Carmine walked towards the next door, he heard a slight growls come from behind him. More wretches. They must've not been found like the others.
Carmine quickly jolted around to find around six mutated wretches jumping out of the destroyed hole in the vents above. He quickly released the shotgun off of his back and sprang into action. Carmine knew not to waste ammo. He could not hit them this close either or it would lead to his body chunks all over the floor. He took off out the door in a mad dash to the front of the train.
Soon more wretches started to follow. There was now about twelve of them all trying to catch up and have their dinner. Carmine was now outside on the fourth train cart. The sun was almost gone and it was getting late. The blood of the locust bodies lit the floor a nice redish orange and gave Carmine a chilling feeling as he ran through. Reaver's quickly flew in to try and get him down before he reached the front. He didnt have the time to stop and fight, so he continued in a sprint.
Bullets from hammerburts flew in Carmine's direction and ricocheted behind him in the speed of light. In front of him on the next cart was a shut door. Carmine had to get in before the reaver's would get him. "Anyone in there! Open up!" Carmine screamed. The door opened from someone he had wished to see. It was none other than Marcus Fenix. They quickly shut the door before the wretches reached them.
"Carmine?" Marcus said with a confused look. "What happened?" Dom quickly walked over to the door to see. He had a grizzled face that seemed almost impossible not to look at to feel how sincere he was. Marcus on the other hand looked sort of angry in a way Carmine could not describe.
"You remember that battle over at the House of Sovereigns? Well I had a emergence hole open up right on my position. It sent me back and I fell over the big hole to the left of the white van. The drones that came out started to chase me. I had to trace your damn footsteps for two damn days" Carmine said with an exhausted tone as he shoved them to get in.
"But guys do you know whats going to be on the other side of that door?" Carmine pointed to the door about ten feet away. "When you open that door, your going to find a massive drone. I heard he killed Lt.Kim from Cole and Baird. But anyway, he knows what you guys are trying to do, I followed him all the way from the mines up to the academy."
Marcus put on a little smerk which made Carmine surprised that he even knew how to make a smile. "Carmine, im glad you found us and I think me, you and Dom can take this son of a *****, dont you?" Carmine removed his rusty old helmet and stared at Marcus. He gave him a quick smile back and slowly put the helmet back on. He looked over at an ammo crate sitting by the wall. As he walked over to it, he lifted up the top and grabbed a clip of ammo, removed his lancer and attached the clip.
"Lets do this" Carmine said with a battle crazed tone. As they walked towards the door, Dom went over to the switch to the right. He activated it and the door was open. The black night filled the sky and swarms of kryll flew through the air in amazing numbers. As Carmine, Dom and Marcus dove for the lighted cover ahead, they spotted the beast.
He had been waiting for them. He leaped down from his troika position and ripped the large, heavy gun right off if the stand. His brute strength was amazing. The troika must've been more than 700 pounds and he ripped it off with ease. The large drone pointed to Carmine and started to speak.
"Die" he said in a low reptillian voice. Carmine was enraged. This locust killed Lt. Kim and ran away from him. Carmine wanted him dead and he would do anything to get the job done. Suddenly a large swarm of kryll flew towards the drone and started to circle around him. It was almost like they were forming a shield. But how? They have killed locust before but what is different about him? He must have something to control them. Some sort of hypnotizing device.
The burly creature with his swarm of kryll was now making his way towards the gears. He started to aim the heavy troika towards Carmine. The bullets started flying past the Gears heads as the dropped quickly to the floor for cover behind the small barrier. "Guys, im going to start to move up" Carmine screamed to Marcus and Dom.
Both of the gears seemed concentrated on RAAM and did not look over to him. Dom gave a quick look to Carmine as he began to speak. "Are you crazy? You will be masacred!" Carmine knew that the large locust could tear him in half without much trouble but he didnt care, he wanted to take his anger out on the damn beast. He would either kill him or die trying.
"Look if you guys can give me some cover fire, I can run over to that cover with the lights. Once he has your attention, i'll put some bullets in him with your guys weapons as additional support. Just make sure you have his attention, or im dead for sure." Carmine said in a serious tone.
Marcus looked over with a look that made Carmine have hope in doing this risky flank. "Alright, just wait till we give you the signal to move." Carmine layed down completly in a prone position so that the locust would not see him. As the massive drone slowly walked towards the entrenched gears. The time was right, as RAAM could not spot Carmine and didnt care to, he fully concentrated on Marcus and Dom who were sitting ducks. This tactic was a very risky one that could put all of the gears in danger.
"Now!" Marcus whispered over to Carmine who quickly crawled over to a small wall to the left than began to crouch his way around the locust. As Carmine crouched past him on the wall, he felt the large vibrations from his feet and the train ride only made them bigger. It gave Carmine bad feelings about doing this.
Carmine soon made his way past RAAM and was now about ten feet behind him. What weapon would he use to get the kryll off. It was then that he remembered the tourqe bow he had picked up earlier on the cart at the back of the train. If he could get the tourqe shot into the drones skin without it hitting a kryll, it would probably kill him.
Carmine dove over to the cover with the large lights that would be great to use as protection from the kryll. He grabbed the tourqe off of his back and jerked it in front of him. He took aim with a bad thought making him think that this is all up to him to get the locust away from Marcus and Dom before he kills them. Carmine's hands shook like a leaf falling off of a fall tree. He took a quick shot at the brute. The tiny arrow flew directly past the kryll and lodged directly in his skin.
The explosion left a large cloud of dust in the dark black sky. When it went away, Carmine was stunned. The damn thing wasnt dead. How does an arrow that explodes the insides of its target not kill it? The only affect from the aftermath of tourqe arrow was a swarm of kryll leaving the massive drones body and heading directly towards Carmine.
He dove to the ground and litterally hugged the footlights that sat next to Carmines feet and legs. Screaching was all that Carmine could hear for about ten seconds until the hoarde flew away. With the kryll gone, it was easier to attack. Marcus and Dom were continuously firing at the locust devil with their lancers.
Carmine froze still as he watched the large beast walk towards him. "Carmine run!" Marcus screamed at the top of his lungs. Carmine shook his head to get out of the trance of death coming his way and he ran towards the wall to get back to Marcus and Dom. As he ran against the wall, a large, grizzled hand landed on his shoulder and pulled him up. This was not good was it?
As Carmine was lifted two feet above the ground, he was turned around. Carmine was horrified as he stared into the eyes of the devil himself. The large reptillian beast had battle scars that screamed instant death to Carmine. In what seemed to be one second, Carmine was on the ground from a hard punch to the face. Half of his helmet was cracked and one of the eye slots was crushed in and could not be seen through anymore. He removed the mask and through it to the side.
The locust did not even care that the gears were shooting him. Carmine didnt care about his status or how big the beast was anymore. He charged the locust and swung his fist at him which showed the beast that Carmine was ready to fight till death.
RAAM returned a large fist that landed in Carmines gut. It felt like his insides were scrambled. The beast started to unsheathe his large rigid sword. Marcus and Dom started to move closer in to get its attention hoping to get him away from Carmine. Carmine picked himself up off the ground and backed up a few steps. The locust jabbed the large blade at Carmines stomach which he luckily dodged. Carmine grabbed his shotgun and flung it onto the ground at Marcus. He quickly grabbed it and started to move in towards RAAM.
As Marcus moved in at RAAM firing shots, the drone slowly turned towards him. This was Carmines chance to attack. He ran at the beast using all of his energy and force. RAAM expected this and slashed the large sword into Carmines chest which only got through some of the skin due to it being in a horizontal line and the sword not going through his body. It sent Carmine to the ground in pain.
Marcus ran in with the shotgun taking wild shots into RAAM's body. Dom took a quick shot with the long shot while the beast was distracted. RAAM fell. The train started to approach an end in the bridge which would lead directly into a hot bed of immulsion and the caverns in which the locusts lived. There wasnt enough time to set the lightmass bomb which was the main mission and be picked up by the raven. No way possible. "Marcus theres no time, just forget it, get Carmine!" Dom said.
Marcus quickly went over to Carmine who was lying on the ground. Carmine started to get up off of the ground. "Ill do it. Ill set it." Carmine talked like he meant it. His face was bloodied up from the punch. "Let me set the bomb and you guys go on the raven."
"Were not going to leave you Carmine, come on." Marcus and Dom had a sincere face which looked like they knew it would mean Carmine wouldnt be leaving the train. "Just go, I got this." Carmine said with a positive attitude. The raven flew in immediatly afterwards. It was keeping a steady pace with the train.
It was low enough to hop on. Marcus and Dom stared at Carmine. "We will never forget this our whole lives John" Dom said. The two gears quickly hopped on the raven and it flew away. Carmine didnt want to die without accomplishing something. This was what he had to do. For his people and for all of humanity.
He quickly darted over to the Lightmass Bomb which was sitting about fifteen feet away. He toggled at the controls and started to access the controls to activate it. As it started to begin, the train got faster and started to head to its grave. The bomb was set and Carmine knew there was nothing he could do now but relax and take a nice plunge into the sappy, gold immulsion. Carmine slowly looked down as the train came off of the track and started to free fall. He closed his eyes and knew he would finally be at peace......
Raven Helicopter, 2200...
Seargant Marcus Fenix looked out over the edge of the raven and down into the large explosions below. All of the gears were dead silent all looking down. Colonel Victor Hoffman began to speak about victory. Marcus and the others were not very happy. Sure they were happy that the locust tunnels were being destryed right at that moment but they did it leaving their friend behind. Marcus sat down on the bench and looked at Hoffman. "Do you have a pen and paper?" Hoffman grabbed them out of his tactical advisory pad where he would devise plans. Marcus began to write...
To the Military Commisioner of the Coalition of Ordered Governments,
I am sitting here on a King Raven watching firery explosions down below in the pit of hell. The locust are dying as I write this and I thought it would be right if I addressed you on how we achieved this goal and what it cost us. One of my squad members, John Carmine has given his life for us. This moment would not be happening right now if it wasnt for him. We tried
to make him not do it, but he did. When people leave wars, they usually do not like to consider themselves heroes, ever. We usually only think others whom we have fought and died with are heroes. I can tell you there arnt much heroes in this war. Most COG are just trying to see how long they could last the locust onslaught before dying. They usually dont have a positive attitude and they worry and cry in times of hardship and battle. This man, John Carmine did neither of those. He had hope. Hope that we can one day reconstruct Sera and rid the locust. He believed we could do it. When I first joined this squad, I thought he was just some young recruit who would go off and die. He had a good cheery attitude as we made our way to the House of Sovereigns. It was then that he became MIA. The rest of our squad did not know where he was and he could not be found. He told us of his story of regrouping with us. He had one goal in this time and that was to regroup with his squad and continue the mission. When we had reached the lightmass bomb, we had run into a large locust whom Carmine had said he followed and knew that he would be there. The large creature was two heads over us. Carmine suggested he flanks him and we give him cover fire. We knew it was risky but we listened to him. He had flanked it and shot it with a locust explosive weapon. It was unsuccessful. The large creature began to fight Carmine hand to hand which had packed a hard punch on Carmine. The locust had sliced and severly damaged carmine with a large blade soon after that. We ended up getting the brute down. By the time it was over we did not have the time to set it and escape. That is when Carmine told us what he wanted to do. We didnt want to let him but he said he had to. We went along with it.John Carmine left his life knowing he did the planet some good. He is the only one ive met in this war that I can call a hero. That is the cost of this war and that is the stroy of our tale since the beginning of this mission.
Seargant Marcus Fenix
Delta Squad, 32nd Battalion
well i hope you have enjoyed reading this story and are interested in reading more fan fics from me when i start again which will not be that long.i hope you understood the ending well and you think it was good. thanks for reading guys.
Last edited by Tmack674; 03-21-2007 at 03:02 PM.
aside from the fact that i dont liek stuff that changes the actuall story, great job
the fight was great and the letter made me sad sweet job an dlookin gforward to more FF from you
that was really good. I like how Carmine was looked at as a hero and when he died I almost cried.
I hope you're making more FF.
It's all about 'dem Super Carmine Bros.
lol awsome i would love to hear someone cried