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View Full Version : My try at GoW story-telling



TKOGodfather
08-12-2006, 12:52 AM
PROLOUGE-Marcus and Dom are tasked with goal of finding Jacintos Academy Access Codes. But confirmation says that the codes are somewhere within the only Lower Level Detention Center in Jacinto.

.:STORY:.
Marcus and Dom stimbled upon a huge metal door. The door had blood sprains randomly. Marcus touched the sprains and everything seemed quiet. Everything seemed so relaxed for once. Marcus knew he couldnt trust his instincts at this time. Dom was looking around until his eyes saw something that made him stop looking. "This is the place," said Dom reading a rusted sign by the door that said "Lower Levels Jacinto Detention Center". Marcus read the sign and said, "Your right, she did say it was here." Dom with eagerness loaded his assault rifle looking at Marcus as if to inform him that hes ready. Marcus nodded and pushes the door. When Marcus enters he looks around whith his assault rifle in hand in case of an ambush, while Dom closes the door behind him. Marcus lowers his rifle with suspicioness, but Dom is ready. "It all seems just so quiet," said Marcus, " a little too quiet for my tastes.

What lies ahead of the pair is just ruins of what seemed to be a Detention Center. Desks dropped everywhere, paperwork decorates the debris that holds the Center. "I have a weird feeling about this place Mark," exclaimed Dom. THAP and something falls right in fromt of a surprised Marcus. Dom gets even more alert. Marcus sees a body in fromt of him. Marcus walks up to the body and bends. What he sees disgusts him. He isot so sure its really a body as the legs of a Deention Center guard are missing. The face of the guard seemed so terrified. Marcus touches the head and it comes off. "Oh ****," said Marcus "this doesnt seem like the work of a normal Locust." Dom quickly responds, "lets just get the files." Marcus quickly gets up and heads over to a desk which is right under an office label readin 'Jacinto System Works.' What quickly catches his eyes is a note that reads 'Jacinto Academy Access Code notes are with guard Cpt. Donald Kitchen'. Marcus' head catches on. He remembered that was the name tag in the shirt of the guard that dropped in him a while ago. "The body Dom!" The pair both run and bend to check the shirt of the guard but find nothing. "The notes must of been in the pants of the guard," said Dom as if a big battle was upcoming. Marcus knows what he is thinking is crazy but it must be done. "We need to look for the beast that did this," Marcus says as he powers up the chainsaw in the bottom of his assault rifle.

Marcus and Dom head to the lobby that holds the jail cells with a feeling of suspicion in them. DOm attention goes the second cell he sees. It wouldnt be right to say he 'sees' something because the lobby is really dark, but he does see a moving shadow from the inside of the cell. Dom not puthing up with the crap gets closer and a hand of a insect-like creature grabs his throat. "Makus" says Dom choking quicly. The chainsaw powers up and rips the hand of the creature. The creature struggles inside the cell to stay still. Dom lays back shocked. Marcus dops a grenade into the cell and BOOM!! The beasts bodies blows up. "Why did you blow it up?" said a still shocked Dom. "Take it easy Dom" says Marcus as if to relax Dom, "thats not the thing we are looking for." Marcus looks around and gets ready for the upcoming search ahead of them and the dozen of cell blocks that lay ahead of them.

Marcus looks ahead at the deserted lobby. The sudden noise of an earthquake shakes up the pairs concentration. The noise lasts for a while but seems to come by the door from which they entered. Dom runs but almost trips over a desk but he keeps running toward the door. he opend the door only to see big boulder blocking. A fast sense of desperation hits Dom as he looks arounf the Center with no openings of any kind. "We got to find those notes Dom!" said Marcus from across. Outside of the Center something shakes pounding the ground around the Center but stops. Marcus stays put for any clues of noise. Dom fires a round of bullets into the air to get no answer.

A cell behind Marcus rips open with the ferocious pound of a Berserker. Marcus runs behind a desk for cover while shooting at the Berserker. The Berserker sees Dom raising his assault rifle at him and walking into each other. They both wont show mercy as Marcus screams, "Dont be stupid Dom get cover!" Dom shows no remorse as his past hits him hard at the view of the Berserker. Dom unloads on the Berserker like crazy. The Berserker doesnt seem shaken as he walks into Dom.

.:Part 2 coming up tomorrow if you think this is good:.

P:S: Do you like it so far? Be honest.

The Evil Hat
09-01-2006, 05:41 PM
.:Part 2 coming up tomorrow if you think this is good:.

P:S: Do you like it so far? Be honest.
yes i think you could continue. dont be dissapointed if nobody posts for a while it happened to mine. i think that yours is good. it isnt the best fan fic i have ever read but it is good. continue

JohnWayne360
09-01-2006, 08:21 PM
It's good man, but it could be greatly improved. When you do descriptive writing, try to use analogies, substitute everyday words by their immediate synonym. Add color, smells, familiarize sounds. In a way, it'll add texture to your narrative. Lastly, While there seems to be a sense of urgency in the protagonists actions, somehow, it doesn't transfer to what you're trying to convey, perhaps adding some emotion, a peak into their insights?

"A cell behind Marcus ripped open with the ferocious pound of a Berserker, a beast so massive, powerful and disgusting that it seemed as if it had chewed its way clean out of hell. Such facts ;however, made no difference to Marcus as he made his way behind a desk for cover. The muzzle of his lancer turned amber red as he tried to suppress the beast, putting some distance between them. This only reassured its disposition. Unflinching, the Berserker looks for a more likely target. Sensing the deafening vibration of Dom's shotgun, the beast turns to him, letting out a bone splitting roar. Dom reloads af fast as possible, wasting shells on the fiendish barbarity moving towards him. The room lights up as the muzzle flash of the Gear's arsenal reflects on the broken pieces of glass scattered througout what was once thought to be an inpenetrable fortress. Both Dom and the beserker are reluctant to show mercy, for they know it means certain death. A bitter feeling of impotence invades Marcus as he screams, "Dont be stupid Dom get cover!" Dom shows no remorse as his past comes to life in the beast in front of him. Marcus now stands holding his searing-hot rifle, unable to tell the difference between his best friend and the locust powerhouse; they are both overtaken by rage. Unshaken, the berserker gets whithin striking distance of dom as Marcus tries to get a glimpse of what it will take to bring it down. Will Dom be able to do it? What will it take..."

Something to this effect. I hope you don't take it into offense.

The Evil Hat
09-01-2006, 08:24 PM
It's good man, but it could be greatly improved. When you do descriptive writing, try to use analogies, substitute everyday words by their immediate synonym. Add color, smells, familiarize sounds. In a way, it'll add texture to your narrative. Lastly, While there seems to be a sense of urgency in the protagonists actions, somehow, it doesn't transfer to what you're trying to convey, perhaps adding some emotion, a peak into their insights?

"A cell behind Marcus ripped open with the ferocious pound of a Berserker, a beast so massive, powerful and disgusting that it seemed as if it had chewed its way clean out of hell. Such facts ;however, made no difference to Marcus as he made his way behind a desk for cover. The muzzle of his lancer turned amber red as he tried to suppress the beast, putting some distance between them. This only reassured its disposition. Unflinching, the Berserker looks for a more likely target, and sensing the deafening vibration of Dom's shotgun. Letting out a bone splitting roar, the beast turns to him. Dom reloads af fast as possible, wasting shells on the fiendish barbarity moving towards him. The room lights up as the muzzle flash of the Gear's arsenal reflects on the broken pieces of glass scattered througout what was once thought to be an inpenetrable fortress. Both Dom and the beserker are reluctant to show mercy, for they know it means certain death. A bitter feeling of impotence invades Marcus as he screams, "Dont be stupid Dom get cover!" Dom shows no remorse as his past comes to life in the beast in front of him. Marcus now stands holding his searing-hot rifle, unable to tell the difference between his best friend and the locust powerhouse; they are both overtaken by rage. Unshaken, the berserker gets whithin striking distance of dom as Marcus tries to get a glimpse of what it will take to bring it down. Will Dom be able to do it? What will it take...
wow that was good you really should right a fanfic. but yeah its good but could be improved

spartan81
09-06-2006, 12:18 AM
Nice work, JohnWayne!

BelmDag17
09-09-2006, 02:07 AM
To tell u the truth i didnt even finish cuz im to tired to read that much right now

DeadPool
09-09-2006, 05:13 PM
then y did u post even?

Ghost4-6
09-28-2006, 01:12 AM
not bad dude